Madrid

I know, I know--it's been a month. It's been a long month. I have been avoiding posting because I knew if I posted I would have to tell about about this. And once I tell you about this...it's real. It's official. And I don't want it to be real or official.

Ari and I are not moving to Spain. At least it's not in the plans. I am hoping God brings us there some day... but I know it won't be any day in the next couple of years.

After I spent a summer in Spain I was really feeling a calling to go there. There had just been talk about Troy and Heather splitting off and starting a new church in the city and I was so excited about what they were doing and I was ready to go. The plan was to come home and make some money and leave. I felt a strong calling from God and I was ready.

Well, then I met Ari. And I wanted to be with him. I wanted to wait until Ari finished school before I went so that he could come with me. Then we were going to wait until we got married. And it kept being pushed off longer and longer. Finally there was no reason to push it off any longer--Ari and I were going to get married and we were going to move to Madrid.

But the calling has faded. My time is up. I don't feel needed anymore. I don't feel like this is part of God's plan anymore. I waited around for so long that I missed my calling. I always thought that when God calls you somewhere, he calls you until you are ready to go and when you go he's happy until he's ready to move you somewhere else. I'm learning that when God calls us some where, he calls us as we are. Right then and there -- drop everything and follow him. "Let the dead burry the dead"

Now I just want to finish my degree and start working as a social worker. I don't feel any other calling.

I am incredibly sad though because my heart will always be in Madrid. It's the first place I've felt like I belonged, like I fit the culture and the people. I miss it.I guess this means I'll just have to do a lot of visiting now.

I'm so sad.

Coming together

Life feels like it is coming together.

That sentence feels funny for me to say because I am not one of those people that generally have things figured out but I always want people to think that I have my head on straight. I don't. I've never had things all figured out, but I was never meant to.

My journey continues and it is a glorious one. I hit rough waters, I walk through flames and my GOD continues to sustain me.

At the end of the Return of the King Frodo while the last ship is boarding to leave for middle earth Frodo wonders "How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart you know--there is no going back?" Over the past couple weeks I have come to realize that you can't. You simply can't pick up the threads of an old life when everything around you has changed. That's what makes our journeys so unique, so adventurous. That's what makes it a journey. We learn from our mistakes, change from our past, prepare for our future. We live. We continue forward without regrets.

My life is coming together because I am finally figuring this one thing out -- I do not have to know everything. I do not have to know where I'll be six months from now or when I am moving to spain or where I'll be eating dinner next Thursday. I do not have to know who I am going to marry (although I already do know that) or how to get past trials in a relationship or how to be a better friend. All I need to do is follow Jesus and the rest will play itself out.

Sir Winston Churchill said "Every day you make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey but this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb."

Why I love kids but don't want to be a mom

I got a call two days ago asking if I could babysit tonight. I had many options of plans for tonight (which is not normal for my Saturdays) but I welcomed the opportunity to babysit. I kept telling people it was because I need the money, but, in reality, I simply enjoy babysitting.

Halfway through the day today I realized that I wouldn't be getting there until 8:30 which meant the kids would be in bed and I got really sad. When I got there Lisa (the mom) told me that Brianna (the 3 1/2 year old) was up twenty minutes earlier asking "is Monaca here yet?" and when her mom said no she asked "Next time can she come earlier so I can play with her?"

That melted my heart and made me ask myself "why dont I want kids?" Really, I am good with kids and I love being around them at most times. I have an incredible amount of patience when it comes to kids. Then I started wondering why I loved being a nanny so much but don't really enjoy working in a school as much (don't get me wrong, I love my job, I just really miss nannying). Then it hit me.

My favorite moments at work are when the kids make me laugh. I loved coaching the girls basketball team because they were so down to earth and I could goof around with them and they respected me and we just had fun. I love babysitting and nannying because I just get to be a kid. I get to play games and laugh and have fun. Most times the kids respect me-no questions asked. When I am at work I have to be an adult. I have to act like an adult and not laugh when people fall down and not laugh at silliness.

I don't like being an adult.

I love being around kids because they are so innocent. When they smile my world seems to make sense. Parents so often get wrapped up in "being the adult" that they forget how important the little things are. The laughter that can melt a heart becomes a high pitched noise that causes a headache. The innocent barrage of questions become a nuisance. Kids get used to their parents as the disciplinarian and get used to the routine of life with their parents and (even if it is a fun routine) welcome the break when a babysitter comes. When I babysit the kids get my full attention and, for however long I am there, they are my only responsibility. I don't have to think about laundry and work and cleaning and other people and "adult things." My world becomes them and they keep my world turning.

Maybe I will want to be a mom someday--I hear kids are a joy. But for now, I hope this clears up the question people always ask and I hope you will all stop asking. I love kids because they bring out a part of me that I like. They remind me of faith and joy and hope and pure love and innocence. They let me be me without judgement. They play with me and let me teach them new things. They know how to have fun and they include me in their fun. How could I not love kids?

Go away and never come back.

Maybe this is a result of Easter passing or maybe it's because Easter Sunday a year ago I was baptized or maybe it's because God is just that good, but regardless of why, I have been thinking a lot about Jesus. I have been asking myself questions like "why did he die for me?" I fail him all the time and he still wants me to be with him forever?? why?

Then I remember Psalm 139. He knit me together in my mothers womb. He has laid his hand upon me. No matter where I go, he is there. He knows my every thought, every word, every move. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. All of my days were written in his book.

I have had a lot of ghosts from the past that cause a lot of pain in my heart and leave room for the enemy to sneak his way in and tell me lies. I have sinned, as we all have, and I often fall short of the glory of God. Almost two years ago I wrote a post called the armor of God and I talked about how Satan uses our weaknesses to get into our minds. This is why we need the armor of God (read Ephesians 6 for more information). In the post, I talked about Smeagol and Gollum from Lord of the Rings and how our spiritual fights are much like his. Think about it.

Gollum:They're thieves! They're thieves! They're filthy little thieves! Where is it? Where is it? They stole it from us, our precious. Curse them! WE hates them! it's ours it is, and we wants it! We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false!
Smeagol: No! Not master.
Gollum: Yes precious. First they cheat you, hurt you, LIE.
Smeagol: Master's my friend!.
Gollum: You don't have any friends, nobody likes you!
Smeagol: I'm not listening, I'm not listening.
Gollum: You're a liar and a thief.
Smeagol: No!
Gollum: Murderer.

That sound like fights I constantly have in my head. Don't trust them. They'll lie to you, hurt you, cheat you! Nobody likes you! You have no friends! You're worthless.

But they keep going.

Smeagol: Go away!
Gollum: Go away?
Smeagol: I hate you, I hate you.
Gollum: Where would you be without me? Gollum! Gollum saved us! It was me! We survived because of me!
Smeagol: Not anymore.
Gollum: What did you say?
Smeagol: Master looks after us now, we don't need you anymore. Leave now and never come back!

This is what Jesus has done for us. He has given us the power to say to the enemy "No! Go away. I dont need you anymore! Jesus is all I need now. Jesus is my master!"

But it goes on...

Smeagol: Master looks after us now, we don't need you anymore. Leave now and never come back!
Gollum:What?
Smeagol: LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK! [Gollum screams]
Smeagol:LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK! [Silence]
Smeagol: We told him to go away and away he goes! Gone, gone, gone! Smeagol is free!

The Bible tells us that Jesus has set us free. We have the power to tell satan to go away and with the power of God, he will. Satan is no match compared to God and God is on our side! So we don't have to live in fear and live in lies and live in unhappiness becuase Jesus is our savior and he died so that we could live. He died so that we can tell satan to take his lies and leave and the enemy has no choice because he is WEAK.

How amazing is this? The weakness of God is still stronger than the strongest man (1 Corinthians 1:25) and with the strength of God, because of Jesus, there is a way out of every temptation to sin (1 Corinthians 10:13). He gives us the strength to not believe the lies of the enemy and to call him out on them and tell him to go away.

That is why Jesus died for us. God loved us so much that he sent his son so that we could call him master and live with him for eternity. When I was baptized a year ago I started my life over. All of my sins were washed away and along with them went the lies of the devil because I know I have been forgiven and I know I am loved.

Thank you for loving me Lord, even when I forget why.

Answers

In my previous post I asked a bunch of questions about gossip. Here is what I have come up with thus far.

We know that it is never okay to gossip. The Bible talks about this in numerous places. (Check out Matthew 15:10-11... this is my favorite verse on this topic)

Ephesians 5:11 says do not take part in the unfruitful works of the darkness (for context read 5:6-12). This clearly means we should never join in the conversation in any way. Okay so far so good. Now what?

Proverbs 20:19 says who ever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefor do not associate with a simple babbler. Does this mean that we should walk away?

Yes, I think we should walk away. Here's why:

James 1:27 says ...keep oneself unstained from the world (for context read 1:26-27). How are we to stay unstained from the world if we are allowing ourselves to hear malicious attacks on other people. If we are listening to gossip we are listening to things of this world. Proverbs 26:22 says the words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body (read 26:20-23 for more info). If this is true, and I believe it is because it is in the Bible, than how can we listen to gossip and not have it infect us? It goes down into the inner parts of our body... do I really want the Holy Spirit inside of me to be exposed to the words of a "whisperer"?

Just as, if not more, important than what is said above is this: where is are focus when people gossip and where is our focus supposed to be? Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things (Philippians 4:8). Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth (Colossians 3:2). If we stand there and listen to the gossip that is being spoken, whether we participate in the conversation or not, we are not putting our focus on what we are supposed to be focusing on. If we listen, we are setting our minds on things of this earth, not things that are above. Listening to gossip is as bad as taking part in gossip because we lose focus, thus being tempted to sin. And we all know what the Bible says about that in Matthew 18 - if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away.

One last thought. As Christians we are called to be salt to the earth and a light of the world (Matthew 5:13-16). If we are listening to gossip without making it clear that we don't want any part of those conversations we are not being a light to the world. Instead, by not walking away we are making ourselves just like everyone else on this earth. We are almost condoning that kind of behavior and that is one of the last things we should want as Christians. How can we be an example of Christ if we don't stand out from the nonbelievers?

Good questions about gossip

I made a new friend a couple months ago and I want to tell you about our friendship because I have been blessed immensely by it.

Outwardly, her and I are very different people. She is much older than I am. She is an artist, I am far from it. She is not very outspoken, I generally speak my mind. She is soft-spoken, I am Italian (enough said). She loves cats, I think cats are the spawn of satan. She loves being a mom, I never want to be a mom. She always feels bad when people get hurt, I laugh. I love roller coasters and rollerblading down lake shore drive and playing sports and you wouldn't find her near anything daring or athletic. I think you get my point.

Inwardly, her and I are very similar people. We both love Jesus. We both love being around people but need to be alone to re energize. We like the same books. We have similar love languages. We have similar attitudes about almost everything (except cats). And there is a lot more but I can't share them without you knowing the both of us and our stories of how we became who we are today.

When her and I talk, even from day one of our friendship, we never talk about surface level garbage. We always talk about the things that matter. We talk about what it means to be a Christian in a fallen world. We ask questions about life and share our stories.

You know the book Tuesdays with Morrie? Every Tuesday this guy goes to visit Morrie and they talk and share their life stories and every conversation is a learning lesson. That is my friend and me. We call it our "after schools" conversations.

During our last "after schools" conversation, my friend brought up a topic that consistently weighs on my heart--judgement and gossip and judging gossipers. Let me explain.

After a faculty meeting one day, my friend was talking to someone and a coworker came up to that person and said something that was very clearly making fun of another coworker and they both laughed. My friend was appalled. First, this was obviously a coworker these two people have made fun of before. Second, why did this coworker think it was okay to make fun of someone else in front of my friend? (Sorry for the lack of names, I just can't use names in case anyone at work reads this). So my friend came to me asking what should she have done in that situation.

I wasn't sure, this is a tough one for me. This is a question I constantly go back and forth on. If she said something along the lines of "please don't talk like that in front of me" then these nonbelievers would have just accused her of being a judgemental Christian. She obviously didn't take part in the conversation or even laugh when they were laughing but should she have done more? Should she have walked away? What could be done in a situation like that?

The bible is very clear on gossip. We are not to let cursings and blessings come from the same mouth and it is not the things we put into our mouths that defile us but the things that come out of our mouths and so on. But where does it talk about when others are gossiping in front of you? I know it has to be somewhere in the Bible and for some reason I never looked into it until today. I did find an answer and I will share it with you tomorrow.

Passions and Goals

I was talking to a friend of mine about passion and how important it is to be passionate about things and to have goals for ourselves. I just recently created a list of goals for myself and realized how closely related most of my goals are to the things I am passionate about. I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking about all the things that I am passionate about and here is a list I came up with.

I am passionate about:
Jesus—if I didn’t have the Lord in my life there is no way I would be where I am today.
Family—no explanation needed here. My family is the only constant I have had in my life. They have been there for every stage of my life and supported me continually.
Building relationships—I love meeting new people and learning about their lives and going deeper in relationships I already have.
Love—This goes without saying. What was the greatest commandment (according to Jesus)? Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind; likewise, love your neighbor as yourself.
Children—I think it is important that children are valued in our world, hence my wanting to be a social worker –> breaks out into song “I believe the children are our future…”
Life—As I have seen recently, I have no idea when my life will end or when anyone of my friends' lives will end. So, I want to live life to it’s fullest.
Music—I don’t really know why, but it keeps me going. It frees my soul.
Writing—it’s the best way I know how to express myself.


My goals:
Live – I want to live each day as if it were my last. I won’t let the sun go down on my anger and make sure I have no regrets.
Love – I want to love to my ultimate ability. I, of course, am human and will falter but I don’t want anyone in my life to be unsure of how important they are to me.
Health – I plan to loose weight. I will eat healthier and exercise regularly. God gave me this body and it is a temple therefore, I want to keep it healthy for him.
Relationships – I want to be the best friend/girlfriend/sister/cousin/daughter/aunt I can possibly be.
Jesus – I want my life to be a reflection of Christ’s. I want to be a light on a hill, salt to the earth, etcetera.
Joy – A friend told me recently that I don’t seem as happy as I used to be and that worries him. I want to laugh more and find the true joys in life, find happiness in the little things.
Priorities – I want to keep my priorities straight: God, Family, Friends, Work.

So if any of you want to keep me accountable on these goals, I am up for the challenge.

Give Me Jesus

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Mostly, what being a Christian is all about.

I've been spending some time with friends who are into the whole "party scene" lately and I have realized what made them stop walking the walk. It isn't that they are angry at God or don't believe, it is way more simple. It is easier to just not care.

Apathy is the best tool the devil has. If we just did't care about how we live our lives, things would be easier.

Last week, I went to my great uncle's wake. While there, I mentioned to my mom and dad that I used to have my funeral planned out in case anything ever happened to me. I want the song Give Me Jesus to be sung out my funeral.

In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus
When I am alone, give me Jesus
When I come to die, give me Jesus

Not only do I want that song to be sung, but I want people to hear it and think "that song is fitting." I don't want to be apathetic, making my life easier. No one ever said life was going to be easy--Jesus' life surely was not. I want to wake up every morning saying "Lord, I give this day to you" and live each day glorifying him. So when I come to die I can honestly say, "give me JESUS."

After hearing the news of Grandma Dunkeld yesterday, I was driving in my car listening to my favorite Christian radio station. Of course, the song I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe came on. It made me cry.

I can only imagine what it will be like 
When I walk by your side 
I can only imagine what my eyes will see 
When your face is before me 
I can only imagine 

Surrounded by your glory 
What will my heart feel? 
Will I dance for you Jesus, 
Or in awe of you be still? 
Will I stand in your presence, 
Or to my knees will I fall? 
Will I sing Halelluja, 
Will I be able to speak at all? 
I can only imagine 

I want to live my life knowing that one day that moment will come and I wont have to wonder what it will be like anymore because I will finally be at home, forever with my Lord.

Grandma Dunkeld

I apologize for the lack of communication on my end. There has been crazyness going on--and not the normal kind.

For starters, one of my closests friends' grandma had a massive heart attack last week. I have known Grandma Dunkeld for five years and she is an amazing woman. She was a missionary for some astronomical number of years in Africa and she has always been a passionate woman. This year we celebrated her 90th birthday and believe me, she doesn't act, let alone look, 90.

On Friday morning at about 3:30 she started having a heart attack. An ambulence was called and everyone rushed over to the hospital. The left side of her heart was clogged at 100% and the right was clogged at 90%. After a couple days of pain and claiming she was "ready to go home to Jesus" the doctor told her that her heart is strong and she is going to live to be 100. Her reply of course was, "I don't want to be 100, do you know what people who are 100 look like? OLD!" Good old Grandma Dunkeld still had her wit and sense of humor.

Monday they moved her out of the Intensive Cardiac care unit into the regular cardiac care unit. I was there when they moved her. I was sitting in her room having a conversation with her (she was telling me about when she broke her tailbone years ago) and I was thinking about how great she looked. She was upbeat and wanting to go home to her house (and dog who wont eat without her there). All of a sudden my vision started going black and I said "I'm blacking out" without warning. I completely fainted and Auntie Lois (Celeste's aunt) caught me and sat me down. As soon as I woke up I vomitted. It was terrible. A nurse came with a wheel chair and brought me down to the emergency room where I spent the next 7 hours hooked up to IVs and monitors. Apparently I was very dehydrated. Great.

So, I haven't been able to make it to the hospital since my Monday episode but everyone has been telling me that Grandma is doing well. Celeste even told me last night that they were thinking about discharging her into rehab today. I told Celeste I would come by to see her in the afternoon.

This morning at 7am I got a phone call that said Grandma Dunkeld had another massive heart attack. I called Celeste to see if she wanted me to come to the hospital and she made it sound like they are basically just waiting for her to let go now. Ari's mom didn't even know if she would be able to make it to the hospital in time.

So, that is what has been going on. This week has been filled with tears, laughter, joy, peace, sorrow, fear, and prayers.

A scripture comes to mind right now and it is what really keeps me going often.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for you souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. -- Matthew 11:28-30

I do not need to worry about the happenings around me. Jesus will take care of all of it. He will give us rest. I musn't worry about Grandma Dunkeld. I know if she dies that she will be out of pain and at home with Jesus. And, though everyone here will miss her on earth, we will see her again one day and be able to spend eternity with her. Whatever happens, I will find rest in Jesus.

As I finished typing this post I got a phone call from Celeste. Grandma Dunkeld didn't make it.

the love movement

Someone let me down yesterday.

Someone told me that (s)he was going to show up somewhere and then didn't. No phone call. No warning. Nothing.

It wasn't a big deal. It wasn't like I needed this person to be there. It wasn't like I couldn't go on without this person. Which is why (s)he didn't understand when I was upset.

I understand when someone says they'll be somewhere and then before that time I get a phone call saying, "I'm not feeling well" or "I don't want to drive in this weather" or "My dog got sick" or whatever. I understand because it happens to me all the time. That's life--welcome to living. What I do not understand and do not appreciate is when there is no phone call and no emergency.

That is an issue of trust. If I can't trust I can't depend on you and a lack of dependence is a lack of any sort of good relationship.

Someone let me down yesterday but I forgave him/her and we set things right.

Even more frustrating to me than someone letting me down is someone not forgiving me or moving on from me letting him/her down.

I am human, just as you are. I make mistakes just as you have. I let people down just as we all do. I sometimes forget what is right and what is wrong. I sometimes forget that everybody reacts to things differently and that something that may not be a big deal to me is a big deal to someone else. I ask to be forgiven.

Please do not hold a grudge. I have never intentionally hurt anyone (except maybe my brother when I was younger.... but that's another story). Just as I have to realize that no one is out to get me, we all need to realize that no one is out to get us.

Where is the joy in holding a grudge?

I honestly believe that it takes more energy to be mean and hold a grudge than it takes to just love one another as we would want to be loved.

I want to start a movement called The Love Movement where everyone loves each other as Christ loved the church. Who's with me?

He never stops working...

I wanted to post this (with permission) because I think it is important that everyone knows how amazing God is. His works are incredible. This is an email from my very dear friends in spain. Troy and Heather Cady are the team leaders and pastors of the church, Oasis Madrid. They have two beautiful kids, Meg and Nic. Here is their story.

.....
In the words of Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all doing direct the other way..."

You might want to get a drink, a box of Kleenex and get comfy, because this is an epic story!

On Tuesday October 17, we received a call from CAI to let us know that we absolutely had to have our account out of deficit by year's end. Many of our colleagues are, as we were, suffering financially, and CAI is not able to "float" all of us when that happens. We of course had already been working on fund-raising, but this put an extra amount of pressure on us. At that point, we believed we were about $8,000 in the hole.

It was a rainy, grey week, and our spirits took a real nose-dive. On Friday the 20th, we met with Nic's teacher and another woman who provides assistance to kids at the school. They expressed concern that Nicolas (who is definitely behind, having jumped into the British school system this year) might have some kind of learning delay or issue. Although on its own, this news was not terrible, added to the burdens of the week, it became the straw that broke the camel's back.

I think that Friday was the worst day we have experienced in Spain. As the rain poured down outside, we struggled and grieved. We cried a lot of tears. We talked about leaving Spain, even if the money came in.

On Saturday, we sent out an email asking that you join us in prayer on Sunday October 22nd. We really did not know what God was doing, where He was leading. That evening, we had a service. At the end of the service, they kicked Troy & I out and voted to give us a generous financial gift from the church. Afterwards they sat us down, gathered around us, prayed for us and cried with us. We went home feeling more peaceful and encouraged, but still wondering what God was going to do. We asked our kids some loaded questions about where we should live. Among other things, Meg said "I think it's important to live in Spain to tell people about God."

Emails began pouring in, speaking words of encouragement to us. People were praying with us.We were certainly not alone. That Sunday we spent as a family, talking and praying and asking God to show us what to do. We asked God only that He would get our account back in the black by the end of the year. We made the difficult decision that if it was not in the black by then, we would leave Spain at the end of the school year.

Then the financial commitments starting coming in. Some of them before we even asked; some of them after. All of them generous, one huge one from a man we have never even met before. Part-way through the process we found out that we were actually $12,000 in the hole after having paid for school this fall. Still, the emails kept coming.

As I write this, (between actual gifts and pledges) God has provided funds to wipe our deficit, pay for the next school payment in January, and begin to build up our required 2-month financial buffer. He has also sent $350 per month in new monthly support.

Needless to say, we are staying in Spain! God answered clearly, quickly and with overwhelming generosity. It's amazing. The difference in our emotional states has been remarkable. I think both Troy and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off our shoulders.
.....

Amen.

a piece of home

Yesterday I picked up the Cady family (the fam I lived with when I was in Spain) from the airport. It has been so good to spend time with them. A group of us hung out with them last night and then I hung out with them today.

First off, the great thing about good friends is that you can always pick up where you left off. When I saw them in April and again now, it is like we were never apart. The jokes and teasing start right away.

When I was in Spain, my friend Wendy came out to visit me and I remember talking about how it was so great to have a piece of home come to Spain and see where I lived and what I had been doing. And then in April I brought Ari and Celeste back to Madrid with me and it was so exciting to, again, bring a piece of home with me to Spain. It is so excited to have friends from Spain here. To have a piece of Spain (my other home) come out here to where I grew up and see what I have been doing. It's fun. Not too mention the endless laughing that happens when Troy is in a room. I definitely miss that.

The more they talk about Oasis Madrid (their church out there) the more excited I am about moving. I can't wait to be a part of this church full time. Oasis Madrid is doing great things out there... but more on that another day.

tv shows can bring people together!

Back in October I wrote a post called confessions that were twenty things nobody knew about me. Well, in the begining of that post I talked about this girl Kelly Wills and how I had heard so much about her while I was in spain and how she sounded really cool and so on. Well, when I we nt back to Madrid in April I got the chance to meet her and had the chance to agree with all of those great things I had been hearing about her. Now, I've always thought she was pretty cool(I mean she was the one who brought me to get my nose pierced!) but today I have officially decided that Kelly could be my friend for life.

Anyone who knows me, knows about my (some would say) obsession (but I call it enjoyment) of the t.v. show ALIAS. My secret wish is to be Sydney Bristow because, seriously, how hott would that be? I constantly find myself looking around any room I have entered for an escape route or I'm thinking"what could I use to knock someone out if a 'bad guy' came in." When I was at Calvin some friends of mine would humor me and we'd run up and down the halls jumping around and doing somersaults pretending to shoot each other. I even learned how to get into my bed with a leap and then pulling myself up quickly in a "Sydney Bristow" fashion (mind you, my bed was stacked over another bed that was stacked on a bookshelf that was stacked on another bookshelf that was stacked on a desk).

Well, it turns out I'm not the only one in the world. Check it out here. I think I found a friend for life! :)

Ode to Erica

I have a story that I feel like I need to share with everyone.

Seven years ago, my cousins and I were sitting around in Aunt Cheri's kitchen talking about our weird bodies. My cousin Erica (who is 5 years older than me) laughed about how she has a "double elbow." Her left elbow had this large bump you could see if she turned her arm a certain way. We all laughed and called her a freak and went on our ways.

Fast forward a couple months. I was sitting at my parent's kitchen table and my mom told me that Erica has a lump in her arm that is growing and she is going to get it checked out. My self-preservation mode kicked in. "No big deal" I said, "that kind of this is pretty normal!"

Fast forward about three weeks. I was in eighth grade. My brother was having a party/BBQ with all of his cool high school friends. It was warm outside and we were out on the deck (it was almost summer). The phone rings and my mom goes inside and stays there. My dad tells Christopher and me to come inside for a little bit and, of course, I think nothing of it. My mom tells Christopher and me to sit down because she has "something to tell us." Now I'm starting to worry. "Erica has cancer" she says.

I remember that moment so vividly. I even remember the smell -- I could smell the lilacs picked from our lilac bush that were sitting on the kitchen table. I could hear everyone talking outside, laughing and having a great time. I wanted to scream. My cousin had cancer and the rest of the world was going on enjoying themselves. I recited the line in my head again, "Erica has cancer" and then I heard two people laughing. To this day I still remember who those two people are that laughed because for a brief moment, I hated them more than anything in the world.

At the time, Erica was a student at Notre Dame-the school she has always wanted to go to. She didn't get to go back the next year. She stayed home and went through intense chemotherapy. I wasn't around very much that year. I was too scared to be near her, but I remember the battle. I remember when she lost her hair and her brother's shaved their heads. I remember when she was admitted into the hospital time after time because her immune system was so weak even a common cold could kill her. But more than anything else, I remember her being so strong. I remember seeing her laugh and hearing stories of jokes they told in the hospital room.

Erica was a fighter and she won. Five years ago we went to Pompei (a great resturant downtown) and reserved our own room to throw a party for her. She was cancer free and done with treatments.

She went back to Notre Dame and finished school. After school she spent a year downtown volunteering at Mercy Home, this place for delinquint/troubled (or whatever you want to call them) boys. After that she went to law school at Northwestern. She's always wanted to be a lawyer and Erica always does what she wants to do. She spent a semester studying in Australia and she spent some time in Africa studying African law.

Erica graduated on Sunday. I went to her graduation and then the big party at pompei. I am really proud of my cousin. I admire her more than anyone else I know. She has been an inspiration to me to live my life to the fullest and the way that I want to do it. She also has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. Not to mention, she is really fun and knows how to have a good time! :)

So Erica, congratulations. I am proud of you and I love you.

first attraction

Yesterday, Ari and I went out for table side guacamole at Cozymels (which was amazing, by the way). When we were there we were talking about how Ari has never dated a girl he was friends with first. I said, "yeah but we were friends before we started dating" and he told me that that was kind of true and that even though we were friends he always knew that he wanted to date me. Which I didn't actually know. I started thinking about when I realized I wanted to be dating Ari and after thinking about it this is what I decided. One of the first things that attracted me to him was when he decided he wanted to come up to Michigan with me, when he barely even knew me. But the day I knew I could date him was a month before we started dating. The weekend after Michigan. Here's the story...

A group of us drove up to Lake Geneva in Wisconsin and rented a boat and went tubing and water skiing and whatnot. That ended up being one of the best days ever! Then we were driving home and Ari was driving and I was in the front seat and it was 12:30am and I saw some sprinklers on the side of the road so I said, "lets go run through the sprinklers" half joking. Ari said "okay" and pulled over the car. We both got out (everyone in the back was sleeping) and ran through the sprinklers and got back in the car. It was awesome.

Almost everyone who knows me knows that I constantly say things like that secretly hoping that people will do crazy things with me but knowing that they will always so no. Well, from that day on I could always count on Ari to be crazy and random with me. Which made me quickly fall for him.

Grandma Dedic

When I was growing up, and still to this day, I alway had a kind of second family; the Dedics. Madeleine and Ken were my (as Erika would say) back up mom and dad. Carrie was the only sister I ever knew and Kenny was just like another brother (as if I needed any more). When I was a kid I remember seeing grandma dedic at all of the big gatherings at the dedic's house and I loved it. She was always such a wonderful person. I remember how her eyes lit up whenever one of her grandchildren walked into the room and how she genuinly cared about each and every family member, and that included the Thomas'. She made me feel special. She was different than any other person I knew. It wasn't that I ever liked her more than my grandmas (my grandmas are pretty wonderful as well), it was just that I enjoyed being in her presence. I enjoyed the atmosphere that she brought with her everywhere she went. As I grew older I learned to appreciate her sense of humor and quick wit. I loved her a lot and always thought of her as another grandma of my own. When my mom called me on Tuesday to tell me that she had passed away, I tried so hard to not let it bother me. I tried so hard not to cry (which I think bothered Ari a lot). Then I went to the wake on Thursday and avoided the casket and told myself I was just there to be a friend to the Dedics. Then yesterday was the funeral. I lost it. I barely made it through the hymn they sang in the very begining. The thing was, as I looked around at all of Grandma Dedic's children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren my heart grew heavy. This amazing woman had an impact on so many people. Every one she came in contact with were deeply touched by her love. And it made me sad to know that whoever I marry will never get the opportunity to be loved by her. And if I ever have kids they wont get the chance to love her as much as I do. And then I started thinking about how much she suffered in her life. Through all the health problems and cancer and everything else, and she survived and lived her life... 91 years of her life. And now she is in Heaven with her Lord whom she loved so much, which just made me cry harder. But this time they were tears of joy. Tears rejoicing the fact that she had such a fulfilled 91 years of life. Rejoicing that she had so many people at her funeral that loved her and so many people who couldn't make it who loved her and were so deeply impacted by her.

So, in parting I just want to say...

We little knew that morning
God was going to call your name
In life we loved you dearly
In death we do the same
It broke our hearts to lose you
You did not go alone
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home

You left us beautiful memories
Your love is still our guide
And though we cannot see you
You are always at our side

Our family chain is broken
And nothing seems the same
But as God calls us one by one
The chain will link again.
-Author unknown

Are you ready?

OK--After I wrote my last blog entry God kind of kicked me in the booty! I have so much to be thankfull for.

First of all, I may be in pain, but it could be so much worse. I could have died. Last week in one of my Bible studies we talked about "are you ready?" Are you ready to leave this earth? I said sure! Why not? I can't wait to be with my father! God kind of laughs at me now. I'm not nearly ready enough. And instead of taking all this free time that I have to just be in God's glory, I wallow in my self-pity.

Well, I am done wallowing.

That's it, that's my story. Now I need to go lay back down...

a little reflection

Well, it has finally hit me... no pun intended. I was in a car accident. My car flipped over. Woah.

So here's the deal. Having a near-death experience can change someone's life. Esspecially thinking about the fact that this was my first near death experience that was completely my fault. I almost killed myself (or at least almost seriously injured myself).

I am lying on my couch in the same spot that I have been in since 8:00 this morning (with the exception of getting up to go to the bathroom and getting up to get more water). I can't watch the tv because if I turn my neck it hurts too much, but I can hear one of my favorite movies playing (Dead Poets Society). The lap top is on my lap and the strain in my neck from lifting it up to see the screen is starting to travel down my spine. I have taken a vicadin which seems to be doing nothing. And as I type this I noticed my hospital bracelet is still on. My hospital bracelet... There is a bruise from where they took blood and a bruise from where my IV was. So unreal.

Now that I am done complaining, let me tell you what I did with my time on this couch. First of all, God suprises me in ways I can never comprehend. I have been praying a lot lately for some time to just settle down and relax and just be. Well, I got it. I have been praying lately that my world would be shaken and that God would strip me so that I had nothing left to focus on but Him. Well, I am shaken. I have been praying lately that I would be able to just get some good alone time with God and learn to have/keep my priorities straight. Well, I had all day today to be alone with God. Thankfully I was able to pull my Bible out of the wreckage yesterday. God humbled me today. He also reminded me, yet again, that I need to be careful what I pray for.

I have also had a chance to read my all time favorite book The Brother's K by David James Duncan. This book is excellent. Throughout the entire book it keeps my attention - it has me smiling, crying and laughing. So I guess I haven't been too lonely here. I have had Everette and Peter and Irwin and Kincaid to keep me company.

From the time I started this blog entry to now, the vicadin seems to be working. Well, not taking away all of the pain, but I feel more upbeat. I feel able to carry on a conversation--which is a huge step from the rest of the day.

This morning, for the first time since the accident, I cried. It was the first time I was actually alone since the accident and I think it has finally sunk in. My car is totalled. It's gone. The car that I learned how to drive on. The car that has been mine since I turned sixteen. Gone. Because of me. I killed my car. I got into a car accident. It was one of those accidents that if I had been driving by and saw the car upsidedown, my heart would have sped up incredibly and I would have had to catch my breath. Then I would have checked the newspapers the next day to see if there were any deaths...

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, God protected me and still managed to give me the things I ask for and still never ceases to suprise me. I guess my life has finally settled down.

Still no news from the hospital. They said they would call either today or tomorrow, so I guess I probably won't hear from them until tomorrow.

A conversation Ann and I just had:
(while talking about a mental hospital nearby)
Ann -"can I go?"
Me - "where? home?"
"no. to the hospital"
"sure, want me to drive you?"
short pause
"no"
longer pause
"you don't have a car..."
we both make frowning faces.

ALIAS saved my life

I have had a lot of moments in my life where I have thought "wow, I could have died right then." Today I experienced the second scariest thing I have ever experienced in my life (don't ask me what the first is).

I got into a car accident today. For those of you who know the area, I was at North Ave and Morton Rd. For those of you who don't know the area, going north on Morton rd I have to cross three lanes of traffic going east bound and then yield in the middle and then cross three lanes of traffic going west bound. There are no traffic lights. My mom HATES this intersection, but it is the fastest way to get to my parent's house. Today I thought about going the "long" way, but I was on lunch break for jury duty and just wanted to get to my parents house so I could eat lunch with Mom.

I was sitting in the middle of North Ave. waiting to cross over and there was a break in the cars so I hit my gas. As soon as I hit the gas I saw a small black car appear behind an SUV that had been turning. Apparently, all the cars hadn't passed yet. I tried to get out of the way of the car and all of it could have been avoided if the driver had actually hit her brakes or turned the wheel even a little bit (or if she hadn't been speeding, but that's another story)-- but she didn't do any of that. I watched the car hit me and the next thing I felt was my car lifting off the ground. My car landed on it's side (the driver's side) and then flipped onto the hood. It all happened in slow motion (esspecially the flipping of the car).

When my car flipped I miraculously did NOT move at all. My body was strapped in securely by my seatbelt. My head never touched the winshield or the roof of my car. My body never touched the stering wheel. My legs never hit the dashboard.

My first instinct was that I had to get out of the car. In every movie or TV show that I have seen a car flip over it always catches on fire. So all I could think was, "Get out before you burn to death!" I was still stuck behind my seatbelt so I reached to unhook it. It was stuck--the very thing that saved my life had now become my worst enemy.

At this point, I went into ALIAS mode. I (don't laugh) asked myself, "What would Sydney Bristow do?" I remembered an episode where she was in a flipped car and she had to push herself up in order to release pressure on the belt. So I used one arm to push myself up as hard as I could and used the other to unlatch the belt. It worked! I fell and made contact with my car for the first time.

My next feat was getting out. The passenger side window has shattered, but there was not enough room to get out. The driver side window was okay. I tried to kick the window out - I kicked once and then thought maybe I should try rolling it down first. So I hit the button and it rolled down (thank goodness). I immediately crawled out the window.

The whole thing was surreal. I got out of the car and walked five or six steps away and then turned around and looked at the sight. My back tires were still spinning, glass was shattered everywhere, and a guy was on his cell phone yelling "is anybody hurt?" I couldn't answer him, I just stared. Finally, he ran over to me and I mustered out a "no" and then realized that two cars were involved in the accident.

I ran over to the woman who had been driving. She was out of her car, shaking and crying. There was very little damage to the front of her car (don't ask me how that happened). I asked her if she was okay and she just walked away from me. Meanwhile, a tow truck who had seen the car flipped, pulled over and blocked traffic for a while. He made me sit in his truck even though I didn't want to sit down. He let me use his phone to call mom. Here's how the conversation went:

"Hey mom, uh, I got into a car accident. I'm OK! I'll be home in a little bit. Don't worry. I'm fine."
"Where are you?"
"I gotta go mom, the police are here. I'll be home soon, the police officer will give me a ride. Don't worry."
*click*

I then called Ari:
"uh, so, I got into a car accident. My car is totalled but I am fine. I just wanted to let you know. I will call you later!"

By this time the ambulence was there and wanting to check me out. They took my vitals, listened to my lungs, asked me if I had any pain...

I was fine. I walked away from the accident without a scratch on me.

I am the luckiest "son of a gun" that I know. I've had a good four hours to reflect on it all and listen to all of this...
I wore my glasses for the first time today in weeks. When I crawled out of the car there were shards of glass everywhere, especially on my face. My glasses were covered in pieces of glass that would have otherwise been in my eyes.

There are a lot of things on top of everything else that I could talk about but Ari just got here and I am going to spend time with him.

One more thing - maybe it wasn't ALIAS that saved my life. The police officer who filed the report said something along the lines of, "Someone must be on your side..." I think she was right.

Memories: take two

Memories from freshman year at Calvin...

Memory One: MALARI'S HEAD
I don't think I will ever forget this... A buanch of people were hanging out in the basement of our dorm and Malari was being her crazy self--walking about on the tables. She out of no where decides she wants to jump off the table, forgetting that the ceiling comes down lower at one point in the basement. She leaps gracefully and smashes her head on a corner of the ceiling and falls to the ground. She gets up laughing and saying "I'm okay guys" but that didn't stop the blood from gushing out of the hole in her head! She was taken to the hospital and had three staples put in her head. I slept in her room that night with my phone alarm ringing every two hours to make sure she didn't have a concusion. Fun times.

Memory Two: FAKE BAKED
My freshman year roommate, Heather, was awesome. We had a lot of fun together--although we were VERY different people. Once a week she would go tanning and get her eyebrows waxed. She was always encouraging me to go with her so finally one day I thought, "what they hey... I'll go" so I went. We got our eyebrows waxed and that was fun. Then we went tanning. I stayed in the booth for seven minutes. Seven minutes is all it took for me to get severe burns. I slept naked for the next week and only put on clothes to go to class -- otherwise I was wrapped up in a blanket. I remember running down the hallway to Kay's room wrapped in my blanket (and nothing else) because Kay was the only one around to put Aloe on me, which needed to be applied every fifteen minutes. Yes, the aloe that I made Andrew make a midnight run to Meijer for...

Memory Three: A COLD SLUMBER
Heather, my roomie, would go home every weekend so I was pretty lonely on weekends. I would often sleep in Malari and Jackie's room on their futon! One night Jaclyn and I are sleeping on the futon and Mal was in her bed and we were talking about nothing in particular. When out of nowhere Mal decides to throw her nalgene water bottle onto us. Jackie got most of the water -- but I was so shocked I didn't really know what to do. We spent the next half hour laughing