Madrid

I know, I know--it's been a month. It's been a long month. I have been avoiding posting because I knew if I posted I would have to tell about about this. And once I tell you about this...it's real. It's official. And I don't want it to be real or official.

Ari and I are not moving to Spain. At least it's not in the plans. I am hoping God brings us there some day... but I know it won't be any day in the next couple of years.

After I spent a summer in Spain I was really feeling a calling to go there. There had just been talk about Troy and Heather splitting off and starting a new church in the city and I was so excited about what they were doing and I was ready to go. The plan was to come home and make some money and leave. I felt a strong calling from God and I was ready.

Well, then I met Ari. And I wanted to be with him. I wanted to wait until Ari finished school before I went so that he could come with me. Then we were going to wait until we got married. And it kept being pushed off longer and longer. Finally there was no reason to push it off any longer--Ari and I were going to get married and we were going to move to Madrid.

But the calling has faded. My time is up. I don't feel needed anymore. I don't feel like this is part of God's plan anymore. I waited around for so long that I missed my calling. I always thought that when God calls you somewhere, he calls you until you are ready to go and when you go he's happy until he's ready to move you somewhere else. I'm learning that when God calls us some where, he calls us as we are. Right then and there -- drop everything and follow him. "Let the dead burry the dead"

Now I just want to finish my degree and start working as a social worker. I don't feel any other calling.

I am incredibly sad though because my heart will always be in Madrid. It's the first place I've felt like I belonged, like I fit the culture and the people. I miss it.I guess this means I'll just have to do a lot of visiting now.

I'm so sad.

My neck

The last couple of weeks my neck has been really bothering me. So much so that holding my head up for longer than fifteen minutes becomes a workout. I finally went to the chiropractor this past week and he took x-rays that were scary.

God created our bodies to have a 45 degree curve in the neck. Doctors call this curve the "arc of life" because the spinal chord's most important nerves are in this area and when the arc is lost the nerves are being pinched which causes your immune system to not work properly which causes disease.

My neck x-ray looks nothing like this one on the right. The curve in my neck is actually at 5 degrees--so virtually not there. Also on the top that 5 degree curve is there but then it flips and starts to curve the wrong direction toward the bottom. Dr.Tim, my chiropractor, said this is one of the most unique cases he's seen. Also, one of the worst.

He said he can help me and he put me on a 60 sessions in 6 months plan. So for the next 12 weeks I will be going to the chiropractor 3 times a week and then for the 12 weeks after that I will be going 2 times a week. With periodic x-rays to check the progress.

No wonder my neck has been bothering me for so long. In fact, it has been bothering me since that car accident I got into. Good to know my neck has been straight for a year and a half now!

By request - the ring

Ari's sister, Brienne, took this picture while we were in Minnesota last weekend. It's the best we could do--everything was coming out blurry. Once we get our engagement photos taken we will have a good picture for all you out of towners to see the ring.

the engagement

This is a little overdue but better late than never, right?

Last Thursday Ari called me up. Here is a replay of the conversation (Ari's in blue, I'm in purple)
I dont really feel like cooking dinner tonight. It's been a long day and I am tired. Wanna just go out to eat?
Yeah that's fine. Where?
I don't care, where do you want to go?
Meh, we can just go to Outback.
Sounds good.
So we head over to Outback (our favorite "cheaper" restaurant) and have a nice laidback dinner and then as we are getting the check another important conversation arises.
I'm glad it didn't rain. We should do something outside.
Wanna go for a bike ride?
No I'm too tired.
Okay. Ooh, we should go to the waterfall.
Want to? Yeah, let's go.
So we head over to that waterfall in Warrenville (our favorite place to relax) and talk for a while. As the sun is setting and we could see the beautiful reflection on the water Ari announced that we should get going. I declared that I wasn't ready to go yet but he persisted. So I stood up to walk away and he grabed my hand and turned me toward him and huged me. Then he got down on one knee and I exclaimed "GET OUT" and he asked me to marry him.

So, Ari and I are getting married on Friday, December 28, 2007!

Hymn for the day:

God is mys trong salvation
What foe have I to fear?
In darkness and temptation
My light, my help is near:
Though hosts encamp around me,
Firm to the fight I stand;
What terror can confound me,
With God at my right hand?

Place on the Lord reliance,
My soul with courage wait;
His truth be thine affiance,
When faint and desolate.
His might they heart shall strengthen,
His love thy joy increase;
Mercy thy days shall lengthen,
They Lord will give thee peace.

Coming together

Life feels like it is coming together.

That sentence feels funny for me to say because I am not one of those people that generally have things figured out but I always want people to think that I have my head on straight. I don't. I've never had things all figured out, but I was never meant to.

My journey continues and it is a glorious one. I hit rough waters, I walk through flames and my GOD continues to sustain me.

At the end of the Return of the King Frodo while the last ship is boarding to leave for middle earth Frodo wonders "How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart you know--there is no going back?" Over the past couple weeks I have come to realize that you can't. You simply can't pick up the threads of an old life when everything around you has changed. That's what makes our journeys so unique, so adventurous. That's what makes it a journey. We learn from our mistakes, change from our past, prepare for our future. We live. We continue forward without regrets.

My life is coming together because I am finally figuring this one thing out -- I do not have to know everything. I do not have to know where I'll be six months from now or when I am moving to spain or where I'll be eating dinner next Thursday. I do not have to know who I am going to marry (although I already do know that) or how to get past trials in a relationship or how to be a better friend. All I need to do is follow Jesus and the rest will play itself out.

Sir Winston Churchill said "Every day you make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey but this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb."

belated birthday thing

Well, my birthday was last week and I thought this would be fun...

------10 years ago---------------

1.) How old were you? 12
2.) Where did you go to school? Benjamin Middle School
3) Where did you work? didn't
4.) Where did you live? With mom and dad in West Chicago
5.) Where did you hang out? Christine Wolniak's house... all the time
6.) Did you wear glasses? Yes
7.) Who was your best friend(s)? Christine Wolniak
8.) Who was your crush? Hans Colliander
9.) How many tattoos did you have? None
10.) How many piercings did you have? One in each ear
11.) What car did you drive? I didn't
12.) Did you drink or smoke? Nope
13.) Had your heart broken? I was twelve!
14.) Were you Single, Taken, Engaged, Married, Divorced, or Widowed? *see above*
15.) What were your main interests/activities? swimming and playing games with Christine and volleyball and basketball

----------------5 years ago----------------------

1.)How old were you? 17
2.) Where did you go to school? West Chicago high school
3.) Where did you work? St. Vincent DePaul thrift store
4.) Where did you live? Basically in my car! but technically with my parents still
5.) Where did you hang out? Evangel Baptist, Bakers Square, Wendy and Steve Taylor's house, anywhere that wasn't home
6.) Did you wear glasses? Contacts
7.) Who was your best friend(s)? Kelly Wagers
8.) Who was your crush? I was in between crushing on Aaron Troy and Joe Wagers
9.) How many tattoos did you have? None
10.) How many piercings did you have? Two in each ears and my cartilage in my left year
11.) What car did you drive? Micah, my buick white regal
12.) Did you drink or smoke? Nope
13.) Had you had your heart broken? No
14.) Were you Single, Taken, Engaged, Married, Divorced, or Widowed? Single
15.) What were your main interests/activities? Hanging out with my friends, being super involved at Evangel, helping out at the junior high youth group, choir, forensics (speech team)

----------------------NOW------------------------

1.) How old are you? 22
2.) Where do you go to school? Not in school
3.) Where do you work? Benjamin Middle School
4.) Where do you live? back in with mom and dad...
5.) Where do you hang out? work, Ari's house, Celeste's house, anywhere there is good company
6.) Do you wear glasses? Contacts
7.) Who are your best friend(s)? Ann M
8.) Who is your crush? I'm a little old for crushes
9.) How many tattoos do you have? one
10.) How many piercings do you have? five in one ear, three in the other, and my nose used to be and will be again soon
11.) What kind of car do you drive? Grace, my sebring convertible
12.) Do you drink or smoke? I'll have wine or beer occasionally (and margaritas) but I don't get drunk and I sometimes smoke cigars socially
13.) Has your heart been broken? No
14.) Are you Single, Taken, Engaged, Married, Divorced, or Widowed? I am very happily in a relationship
15.) What are your main interests/activities? Ari, spending quality time with friends, playing board games, flippy cup, road trips, europe trips, following Jesus

taking care of business

I am doing relay for life on Friday and I have not yet reached my goal for fundraising. Please visit my website an consider donating. This is for a great cause I am walking to honor Dawn Leo (Ari's mom) and Erica Walter (my cousin). These are two amazing women who have impacted my life through their strength. To visit my RFL website click here

I did something to mess up my computer so I lost ALL of my bookmarks. So if anyone with a blog could send me your link so I can stay as updated on your lives as you stay on mine, I'll greatly appreciate it (even if you read this an think "she probably didn't read mine anyway" chances are, I did!) Thanks! Email address is lamonaca5@yahoo.com

Thank you so much!

walking through fire part 2

I apologize for my last post.

To explain myself, I am struggling with something. I feel betrayed and alone and confused and I have so many questions. While asking them, including the ones I expressed on my blog, I realized that God has been preparing me for this particular struggle, even when I had no idea it was coming.

Because of converstations with a friend, I have been challenged incredibly in my walk with Christ. I have had to find answers to questions that, in return, helped me to memorize scripture. The scripture I have memorized in the past couple months are words that our Lord knew I would need to remember through this trial.

I know I will get through it and I know I will come out stronger because I am learning to rely on the strength of God and He has more strength than any of us could ever imagine.

So let's all praise God for being so present in the darkest of times. For being my hope, my joy, my light, my strength, my one true love.

I'll write more later, I just needed to post this and let you all know that I really am okay. And though it feels like I am getting burned--I am confident that God is a God of love and that He will never let me be consumed by the flames.

walking through fire

Isaiah 43:2 says "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."

This is a verse that I carry with me every day believing that it is true. I have seen it in my life and I have seen it in others' lives.

As of today, I am walking through fire and I am trying so hard not to be consumed, but I feel like I am burning up. If I get burned does that mean that I didn't believe hard enough? Or that I didn't have enough faith? Or that I am not one of His chosen ones? Or that I am not good enough (which I'm not). If I get burned, does that mean that all of this is a lie? A lie.

Lies are funny things. We've all told them, but they destroy lives; they burn.

Could it all be a lie? Or is that just what the enemy wants me to think? If that is the case, than what happens if I do get burned?