Walking through fire

Last night I was feeling really depressed. It just seemed like it was one thing after another. I was babysitting all day but ended up being the worst babysitter ever. I had a migrane that had been with me from the day before. On top of the pain in my head, my back AND knee were both flaring up and in pain (don't know why). Then I just started getting really down on myself. I saw someone I definitely did not want to be seeing (for those of you who would understand, his name is Ryan). Then I came back home to my house hoping to find some solace--instead I found hurt. One of my roommates is so upset with me she refuses to talk to me. The hardest thing about it is that it is all a misunderstanding but she won't hear me out. So now, I am left feeling like crap. There were a bunch of other little things that just had me flustered, but I won't go into those details right now because those things are not the point of this post.

So after my long, exhausting day, I went to a park near my house. One of my favorite parks. I find myself coming here when I just need an escape from the world. So I went to this park and sat at a bench near the lake, facing the sunset. I brought my Bible and read a bunch of different things. First I opened up to Nehemia - the book my community group studied while I was in Spain. I opened up to the part where it talked about the rebuilding of the wall and I remembered all the conversations we had as a community group about restoration of hope. Hope, something we all lose at some time but if we are faithful God will restore it in us. "Restore a hope in me" I prayed and He restored hope in me last night.

Then I opened up to Matthew were we are told that we are not to worry. How can we add a minute to our life by worrying? If God takes care of the sparrows (who are just animals) then how much more will he take care of us whom he loves. Thus we should not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Hmm 'nuff said.

These are all great things, but the thing that I really want to tell you about is what happened next. I looked up for a while and stared at the sky and the beauty of the sunset reflecting off the water. I remember thinking something along the lines of "wow, the sunset looks like a fire... oh, to walk through a fire right now--even that would be better than this," and I started to cry. I felt so lost, so alone. Then I was I spoke outloud to my Father and said "okay, God, I know you are here. Tell me what you want me to hear." Then I open my Bible up to Isaiah 43 and the first thing I read is "When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, the flames will not consume you"
So I kept reading these lines over and over again--

Thus says the Lord he who created you, he who formed you; fear not for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, the flames will not consume you.

Wow.

The above verse reminds me of my favorite psalm--psalm 139.

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me...
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me...
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...

Isn't that an amazing fact we should all be reminding ourselves of daily?

My life in a nutshell

(HELP I'M IN A NUTSHELL AND I CAN'T GET OUT!)

Well- sorry. I have been missing in action for the last three or four weeks. My life has been a crazy whirlwind of events and I just have not figured out how to find time to do anything.

My classes have been wonderful but a lot of work. Every time I start up a new semester, I forget how much work actually has to be put into my classes in order to do well. But I am doing well and loving it.

Babysitting has also been quite the adventure. I love these boys. They really keep me going throughout my week. They remind me what it means to just love without condition and trust without questions. In other words to have "faith like a child." I am reminded why Jesus loved the children so much. Plus... (breaking out into song) "I believe the children are our future..." haha.

Some more news that may shock a bunch of people and may not surprise the rest. I officially have a boyfriend. That is kind of crazy to say. Kind of fun too. So this amazing guy's name is Ari and he is pretty much one of the greatest things that has happened to me. I am sure there will be more on that another time.

I also got to meet my niece for the first time. She is six months old and my sister-in-law flew in from Arizona last week with Cassandra Grace. That was pretty great. She is beautiful (and definitely a Thomas baby, which I love). She looks so much like my brother. I can't believe my brother is a daddy. We are all getting so old.
More than ever these last couple weeks I have been feeling the love of my family. I am quite possibly one of the luckiest people in the world. Every day I come home and have at least five emails from my cousins (although lately it's been more like 20-30 emails a day-no exaggeration). My family is incredibly unique and I feel more blessed than ever to be a part of it. Despite the fact that they have caused me to become deaf (because they are so stinking loud) and they can some times be a real pain in the rear... I love 'em.

And so, there is my life.

My goal now is to keep posting regularly again. I hope I can stick to it.

Together

Here is poem four.

Together

layer by layer
you unwrap me
with your soft eyes
and gentle smile

I long to know you more.

one by one
you remove my masks
making me feel naked
and vulnerable

I ache to be in your arms.

you held me close yesterday
and I couldn't catch my breath
you whispered in my ear
and I felt my heart racing

I yearn to touch your face.

I want to love you
and wrap my body in yours
and ride away into the sunset
knowing that only one thing is right

You and me.
Together.
-Written 10/1/05

New Poem

Oh man, my life is crazy. Anyway, here is poem three for my poetry class. The assignment was to draw a picture using water colors and then from that pictures write a poem. So, I drew a picture of a beach and this is the poem I created.

My Favorite Beach

I remember how it made me feel
every time I'd watch the sunset
my cares would evaporate with the colors

When I was growing up
I used to jog there for hours
leaving my fears behind me

At night the moon would stand high
reflecting on the water
and the world would stop around me

You took me there once

We walked for hours
your hand entangled in mine
the way I thought our bodies should be

And as we kissed
your hands were wrapped in my hair
and I felt it

I used to know you

And now as I lay by myself
I wonder where the time has gone
and who the boy I once loved has become
--Written 9/21/05

Today I Remembered...

Here's poem two for my poetry class. It's hard to describe the actual assignment so the poem will seem really weird and random out of context, but just know that it was written to fit the assignment. Anyway, you'll know what it is about... but it is not about me (like most of the poems I have written).

Today I Remembered
I can't stop thinking about you
and it's driving me insane
You still haunt me every day
in this world of pain

My life is so different without you
which is the way it has to be
I'm filled with so much anger now
about the way you treated me

Today I saw originality
it reminded me of you
the way you came up with excuses
for everything you'd do

Today I saw silverware
such a simple thing
but it reminded me of all the threats
and how much the cuts would sting

Today I saw an animal trapped
that's how I felt when we dated
you would do things just to piss me off
thing you know I hated

Today I saw a bird shit
it splattered everywhere
it reminded me of your shit
how you pretended to care

But then I saw him put his arm around her
and kiss her gently on the head
it reminded me of how sweet you could be
how gently you'd hold me in bed

And I saw him look at her
and whisper softly in her ear
it reminded me of the times you held me
softly telling me I had nothing to fear

I saw him reach for her
and gently take her hand
you had such a power over me
that I will never understand

But then I saw her pull away
with pain in her eyes
and I remembered who you really are
I remembered all the lies

I remembered all the bruises
and all the tears I cried
I remembered the night you beat me so hard
that night I almost died

I remember all the hospital visits
the times I "fell down the stairs"
all the excuses I'd come up with
and you convinced me that nobody cares

I remember how you'd grab my arm
Leaving bruises from squeezing so tight
and the times you'd throw things at me
or how often I cried through the night

I remember the sound of the door slamming
the smell of alcohol on your breath
the taste of cigarettes when you kissed me
oh, how you used to make me wish for death
--Written 9/15/05

my poetry

I apologize for not blogging this week. School hit me kind of hard. Anyway, I will continue with my posts tomorrow.

For now, I want to share my poetry. I am in a poetry writing class and I love it. Our assignment that is due on Tuesday is to write a poem based on a line in a book we read. I am currently reading a book called "Abortion's Second Victim." I chose a line out of the book and wrote a poem about it. So here it is (critiques are appreciated).

To Bethany Ann
I was only sixteen
Alone in the world
And scared for your life
And my own
I had been hurt
I didn't know what to do
How to take care of you
Or myself
I took the test at week seven
Until then I was in denial
After, I was still in denial
Still alone
At week nine I heard your heartbeat
And I cried for days
How could your heart beat so strong
When mine had stopped
At week thirteen I saw a picture
Your body taking form
I started to gain weight
I was so scared
At week fourteen the nurse told me
You were my baby girl
I threw myself down the stairs that day
What else could I do?
By week fifteen you had a name
Bethany Ann, I called you
Bethany--the town where Jesus rose Lazurus
Would he raise you?
By week sixteen it was over
I sat in church and cried
I was convinced it was for the best
But you were gone
I never got to see your eyes
Or the color of your hair
I miss you more every day
And once again, I am alone.
--Written 9/9/05

how dare i?

It's crazy. I have been so cut off from the world recently. It reminds me of when I was at Calvin and all my friends became part of what we called the "Calvin Bubble." Really, this is what college does to you. You get so wrapped up in your own life, caught up in your own busyness that you forget to check out what is going on around you. Since I don't watch tv, I have to go out of my way to check out cnn.com once a week. Anyway, this week I had kind of heard a bit about what was happening in the south, but I never realized how huge of a deal it was until I got online last night to check out cnn.com. I sat at my computer and cried as I was reading news stories and looking a pictures. While my roommates turned up their dance music and had fun dancing and running around the house, people's lives where drastically changing. While I was sitting comfortably on bed eating my dinner with my laptop on my lap, people are dying because they are still stuck in the floods. Fires are breaking out, ruining any remains there might have been. A whole city is starving and homeless. It's ridiculous. And then I complain about the gas prices being over $3, worried it will go up to $4. How can I be so self-absorbed? How can I complain about anything when there are babies sleeping on cardboard boxes? The hospitals in New Orleans have no power, no water and no food. People are dying while waiting to be evacuated. Dead bodies have been seen throughout the city, floating throughout the water. And I lay comfortably in my bed complaining about how my back hurts... how dare I?

DAY 6

SIMPLE PLEASURES...

We are in Venice! U am seeing places I thought I would in see in my dreams! I am in awe of the beauty. We got here at 7:30 and took the hour long bus ride from Treviso into Venice. Then we took a boat ride down the canal. We wandered around for a bit looking for a hostel that we could afford but the two we tried were full. Luckily one guy made a call for use and led us to a hotel. The following is Wendy's version of what the conversation probably sounded like (since we don't know because the guy spoke in Italian... imagine that).

Here's a probable transcript of the conversation:
Receptionist: "Hey, Giuseppe."
Giuseppe: "What's going on, Paolo?"
R: "I've got two crazy American girls here who look like they've just been regurgitated by an angry whale. I don't want them staying in my hotel, but I know you're a pretty nice guy. Would you be willing to take them off my hands?"
G: "You say they're American?"
R: "Yes, and they look horrible."
G: (sigh) "Well, I'd rather not; it's not great for business. But I don't want their blood on my hands. Send them over."
R: "Thanks, man. You're a peach."

So we got to our new hotel--one room, two beds, air conditioning, private bath, phone in the room, and much more. All for sixty euros! The guy at the reception counter suddenly became our new hero. We must have looked incredibly pathetic; we were so excited to be able to shower. Then I asked him what time we needed to check out.
"11am" he said, "but you can leave your bags here all day"
"really?" I sighed. "Thank you so much!" I suddenly had the urge to hug him. But I refrained.

I took a bath while Wendy did her laundry in the sink and then we swapped. Then I went to a nearby bakery and bought two waters and two pizzettes (mini-pizzas) for 3.50 euros. Cheapest meal yet (we got ripped off in Rome). After we woke up we set off to Piazza San Marco which was great and there where thousands of pigeons everywhere. It's funny how being a tourist can make every day things (ex. pigeons) seem exciting. Wendy and I just walked around Venice for a while. Then we went to a pizza place near our hotel where we bought pizza and lots of beer. I don't think beer has ever tasted so good to me before. We were so hot and sweaty. Now we sit in our air conditioned hotel room, reminiscing about all the nice people we have come in contact with. Italy is wonderful. I will be say to leave tomorrow.

DAY 5

ONE ADVENTURE AFTER ANOTHER...

We dropped off our bags at Termini (a metro stop in Roma), which ended up being a two hour adventure. Finally we got back to Ottaviano and walked to the Vatican. We went inside St. Peters' Basilica which was simply amazing. The entire time I just kept thinking, "dad and mom would love this." We went to the sisteen chapel and I simply couldn't beleive I was really seeing all of this in person. I got to see my all time favorite painting in person (the creation of Adam). We also went to the Roman Forum where I told Wendy, "This is the type of thing you only see in book." I can't believe I am in Rome. So far all my experiences with Italian men have been nothing but good. There was the security guard who asked me if I wanted to play with my soccer ball inside the vatican museum "you want to play now?" or the security guard who wanted to be in Wendy's pitcture. Or the charmer in the gift shop who just wanted people to laugh at him. We have also had a lot of funny experiences -- Wendy falling down the stairs, me putting my bag down on gum, putting my leg up against gum on a bench, and stepping on gum... all within five minutes. We also spent some time speaking in accents today. Wendy had a very sophisticated french accent and I had a southern white trash accent. They fit well together. But our goal for the day was to make people smile--and we did (although it was usually because they were laughing at us). We ate our first meal at a resutaunt! mmmm.... Italy. My life is now complete. We are also spending another night in the airport. This time we will both sleep at the same time and just guard our bags. We fly to Venice in the morning. Sleeping in the airport is not my favorite experience. I always wake up tired, cold, hungry, and dirty. Wendy and I took a picture of my dirty feet today so that we can show people just how gross backpacking through Europe is. Not knowing when you'll get to shower next and if you'll have a place to sleep. Although I would not trade this experience for the world, I am glad it is only for two week. I am realizing how incredibly blessed (and spoiled) I really am.

I Remember

I remember when you used to tell me
"I'll show you mine if you show me yours"
Well, I never told you this, but I never really wanted to see yours.
I remember when you told me
"It is perfectly normal to do this"
Well, I never believed you, I was just too scared to say something.
Do you remember how
you used to lie to the people we loved?
Well, you started me off early, now my whole life is a lie.
Do you remember the time
You stuck your tongue inside me?
Well, I felt so dirty that day, because it actually felt good.
One time I jumped
I said it was because I just wasn't ready
What I really wanted to tell you was how much it hurt.
One time I thought you peed
You told me I'll understand when I'm older
Well, now I am older and I still have so many questions.
Why did you choose me
To have your fun with?
I was so yound and so innocent.
Did you ever stop to think
It may affect me for the rest of my life?
Does what we did ever affect you?
You touched me in places my parents didn't feel comfortable naming
And deep down I knew it was so wrong
But I couldn't make it stop
You said "this is our little secret to keep between just us"
It actually made me feel good to know I was your "little girl"
I tried to tell a friend once
But she just laughed and didn't believe me
So I told myself she was just jealous of you and me.
I hope that sometimes
When you see me
You think about what you did.
But don't worry
I never told another soul
Your secret's still safe within.
--Written July 30, 2005 (artist will remain unmentioned)