sleepless nights

One time a friend of mine told me, “I know how the dark can capture one’s thoughts,” and it is so very true. Sometimes at night I have trouble sleeping, and oh how nights are so dark. So I thought I would give you all a little glimpse into what goes on inside my head when it is ever so dark.

1- Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if I became a CIA agent.
Now I am mainly telling you this because of the humor involved, but I am serious about everything I say. We all know that I have a very visual personality which means when I am lying awake at night, it is almost as if I am dreaming; especially when I am in ALIAS mode. I imagine myself doing crazy missions—Sydney Bristow style. When I was at college (aka university, for you Spanish folk) I used to even get into my bed pretending I was running/hiding from someone. Mind you, my bed was very close to the ceiling and I needed to climb a bunch of stuff to get into it. Needless to say, sometimes I think I should have become a secret agent for the CIA instead of studying to become a social worker. Or maybe I am a secret agent and being a “social worker” is my cover up… if I ever start working at a bank—be suspicious.

2- Sometimes I wonder about God and ask the same questions over and over again.
a) Why does God love me?
Really though. Why does God love me? At community group last Monday someone made a comment that God is both a just God and a God of grace. Well, my question is, if God is a just God, how can I be so sure I will not end up in Hell? Because that is definitely what I deserve. Nothing inside of me deserves to be in Heaven. In What’s so Amazing About Grace Phillip Yancey says, “There is nothing we can do to make God love us more and there is nothing we can do to make God love us less.” I believe that, but why does God even love me in the first place? I know, I know—He created me. But I turn my back on him every day. Time and time again. “Daily in my sin I take his life,” (12 stones). Psalm 139, my favorite Psalm, says For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (verses 13-16). Just read that and imagine what kind of love it would take to carefully knit together a body and to love it so much… I cannot fathom it.
b) What things do I do that get in the way of my relationship with God?
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24). Why is this not my attitude all the time? The number one answer to this question: pride. Not only is it one of the “seven deadly sins” and sinful enough in itself, it blinds me from all other things I do that keeps me from living the life I was created to live. For the sake of time, I will write more on this another day…

There a lot of other things that I think about, but I think this is enough to chew on for one day.