I know, I know--it's been a month. It's been a long month. I have been avoiding posting because I knew if I posted I would have to tell about about this. And once I tell you about this...it's real. It's official. And I don't want it to be real or official.
Ari and I are not moving to Spain. At least it's not in the plans. I am hoping God brings us there some day... but I know it won't be any day in the next couple of years.
After I spent a summer in Spain I was really feeling a calling to go there. There had just been talk about Troy and Heather splitting off and starting a new church in the city and I was so excited about what they were doing and I was ready to go. The plan was to come home and make some money and leave. I felt a strong calling from God and I was ready.
Well, then I met Ari. And I wanted to be with him. I wanted to wait until Ari finished school before I went so that he could come with me. Then we were going to wait until we got married. And it kept being pushed off longer and longer. Finally there was no reason to push it off any longer--Ari and I were going to get married and we were going to move to Madrid.
But the calling has faded. My time is up. I don't feel needed anymore. I don't feel like this is part of God's plan anymore. I waited around for so long that I missed my calling. I always thought that when God calls you somewhere, he calls you until you are ready to go and when you go he's happy until he's ready to move you somewhere else. I'm learning that when God calls us some where, he calls us as we are. Right then and there -- drop everything and follow him. "Let the dead burry the dead"
Now I just want to finish my degree and start working as a social worker. I don't feel any other calling.
I am incredibly sad though because my heart will always be in Madrid. It's the first place I've felt like I belonged, like I fit the culture and the people. I miss it.I guess this means I'll just have to do a lot of visiting now.
I'm so sad.
7.27.2007
6.21.2007
My neck
The last couple of weeks my neck has been really bothering me. So much so that holding my head up for longer than fifteen minutes becomes a workout. I finally went to the chiropractor this past week and he took x-rays that were scary.
God created our bodies to have a 45 degree curve in the neck. Doctors call this curve the "arc of life" because the spinal chord's most important nerves are in this area and when the arc is lost the nerves are being pinched which causes your immune system to not work properly which causes disease.
My neck x-ray looks nothing like this one on the right. The curve in my neck is actually at 5 degrees--so virtually not there. Also on the top that 5 degree curve is there but then it flips and starts to curve the wrong direction toward the bottom. Dr.Tim, my chiropractor, said this is one of the most unique cases he's seen. Also, one of the worst.
He said he can help me and he put me on a 60 sessions in 6 months plan. So for the next 12 weeks I will be going to the chiropractor 3 times a week and then for the 12 weeks after that I will be going 2 times a week. With periodic x-rays to check the progress.
No wonder my neck has been bothering me for so long. In fact, it has been bothering me since that car accident I got into. Good to know my neck has been straight for a year and a half now!
God created our bodies to have a 45 degree curve in the neck. Doctors call this curve the "arc of life" because the spinal chord's most important nerves are in this area and when the arc is lost the nerves are being pinched which causes your immune system to not work properly which causes disease.
My neck x-ray looks nothing like this one on the right. The curve in my neck is actually at 5 degrees--so virtually not there. Also on the top that 5 degree curve is there but then it flips and starts to curve the wrong direction toward the bottom. Dr.Tim, my chiropractor, said this is one of the most unique cases he's seen. Also, one of the worst.
He said he can help me and he put me on a 60 sessions in 6 months plan. So for the next 12 weeks I will be going to the chiropractor 3 times a week and then for the 12 weeks after that I will be going 2 times a week. With periodic x-rays to check the progress.
No wonder my neck has been bothering me for so long. In fact, it has been bothering me since that car accident I got into. Good to know my neck has been straight for a year and a half now!
6.15.2007
By request - the ring
Ari's sister, Brienne, took this picture while we were in Minnesota last weekend. It's the best we could do--everything was coming out blurry. Once we get our engagement photos taken we will have a good picture for all you out of towners to see the ring.
6.14.2007
the engagement
This is a little overdue but better late than never, right?
Last Thursday Ari called me up. Here is a replay of the conversation (Ari's in blue, I'm in purple)
I dont really feel like cooking dinner tonight. It's been a long day and I am tired. Wanna just go out to eat?
Yeah that's fine. Where?
I don't care, where do you want to go?
Meh, we can just go to Outback.
Sounds good.
So we head over to Outback (our favorite "cheaper" restaurant) and have a nice laidback dinner and then as we are getting the check another important conversation arises.
I'm glad it didn't rain. We should do something outside.
Wanna go for a bike ride?
No I'm too tired.
Okay. Ooh, we should go to the waterfall.
Want to? Yeah, let's go.
So we head over to that waterfall in Warrenville (our favorite place to relax) and talk for a while. As the sun is setting and we could see the beautiful reflection on the water Ari announced that we should get going. I declared that I wasn't ready to go yet but he persisted. So I stood up to walk away and he grabed my hand and turned me toward him and huged me. Then he got down on one knee and I exclaimed "GET OUT" and he asked me to marry him.
So, Ari and I are getting married on Friday, December 28, 2007!
Last Thursday Ari called me up. Here is a replay of the conversation (Ari's in blue, I'm in purple)
I dont really feel like cooking dinner tonight. It's been a long day and I am tired. Wanna just go out to eat?
Yeah that's fine. Where?
I don't care, where do you want to go?
Meh, we can just go to Outback.
Sounds good.
So we head over to Outback (our favorite "cheaper" restaurant) and have a nice laidback dinner and then as we are getting the check another important conversation arises.
I'm glad it didn't rain. We should do something outside.
Wanna go for a bike ride?
No I'm too tired.
Okay. Ooh, we should go to the waterfall.
Want to? Yeah, let's go.
So we head over to that waterfall in Warrenville (our favorite place to relax) and talk for a while. As the sun is setting and we could see the beautiful reflection on the water Ari announced that we should get going. I declared that I wasn't ready to go yet but he persisted. So I stood up to walk away and he grabed my hand and turned me toward him and huged me. Then he got down on one knee and I exclaimed "GET OUT" and he asked me to marry him.
So, Ari and I are getting married on Friday, December 28, 2007!
6.07.2007
Hymn for the day:
God is mys trong salvation
What foe have I to fear?
In darkness and temptation
My light, my help is near:
Though hosts encamp around me,
Firm to the fight I stand;
What terror can confound me,
With God at my right hand?
Place on the Lord reliance,
My soul with courage wait;
His truth be thine affiance,
When faint and desolate.
His might they heart shall strengthen,
His love thy joy increase;
Mercy thy days shall lengthen,
They Lord will give thee peace.
God is mys trong salvation
What foe have I to fear?
In darkness and temptation
My light, my help is near:
Though hosts encamp around me,
Firm to the fight I stand;
What terror can confound me,
With God at my right hand?
Place on the Lord reliance,
My soul with courage wait;
His truth be thine affiance,
When faint and desolate.
His might they heart shall strengthen,
His love thy joy increase;
Mercy thy days shall lengthen,
They Lord will give thee peace.
6.06.2007
Coming together
Life feels like it is coming together.
That sentence feels funny for me to say because I am not one of those people that generally have things figured out but I always want people to think that I have my head on straight. I don't. I've never had things all figured out, but I was never meant to.
My journey continues and it is a glorious one. I hit rough waters, I walk through flames and my GOD continues to sustain me.
At the end of the Return of the King Frodo while the last ship is boarding to leave for middle earth Frodo wonders "How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart you know--there is no going back?" Over the past couple weeks I have come to realize that you can't. You simply can't pick up the threads of an old life when everything around you has changed. That's what makes our journeys so unique, so adventurous. That's what makes it a journey. We learn from our mistakes, change from our past, prepare for our future. We live. We continue forward without regrets.
My life is coming together because I am finally figuring this one thing out -- I do not have to know everything. I do not have to know where I'll be six months from now or when I am moving to spain or where I'll be eating dinner next Thursday. I do not have to know who I am going to marry (although I already do know that) or how to get past trials in a relationship or how to be a better friend. All I need to do is follow Jesus and the rest will play itself out.
Sir Winston Churchill said "Every day you make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey but this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb."
5.22.2007
belated birthday thing
Well, my birthday was last week and I thought this would be fun...
------10 years ago---------------
1.) How old were you? 12
2.) Where did you go to school? Benjamin Middle School
3) Where did you work? didn't
4.) Where did you live? With mom and dad in West Chicago
5.) Where did you hang out? Christine Wolniak's house... all the time
6.) Did you wear glasses? Yes
7.) Who was your best friend(s)? Christine Wolniak
8.) Who was your crush? Hans Colliander
9.) How many tattoos did you have? None
10.) How many piercings did you have? One in each ear
11.) What car did you drive? I didn't
12.) Did you drink or smoke? Nope
13.) Had your heart broken? I was twelve!
14.) Were you Single, Taken, Engaged, Married, Divorced, or Widowed? *see above*
15.) What were your main interests/activities? swimming and playing games with Christine and volleyball and basketball
----------------5 years ago----------------------
1.)How old were you? 17
2.) Where did you go to school? West Chicago high school
3.) Where did you work? St. Vincent DePaul thrift store
4.) Where did you live? Basically in my car! but technically with my parents still
5.) Where did you hang out? Evangel Baptist, Bakers Square, Wendy and Steve Taylor's house, anywhere that wasn't home
6.) Did you wear glasses? Contacts
7.) Who was your best friend(s)? Kelly Wagers
8.) Who was your crush? I was in between crushing on Aaron Troy and Joe Wagers
9.) How many tattoos did you have? None
10.) How many piercings did you have? Two in each ears and my cartilage in my left year
11.) What car did you drive? Micah, my buick white regal
12.) Did you drink or smoke? Nope
13.) Had you had your heart broken? No
14.) Were you Single, Taken, Engaged, Married, Divorced, or Widowed? Single
15.) What were your main interests/activities? Hanging out with my friends, being super involved at Evangel, helping out at the junior high youth group, choir, forensics (speech team)
----------------------NOW------------------------
1.) How old are you? 22
2.) Where do you go to school? Not in school
3.) Where do you work? Benjamin Middle School
4.) Where do you live? back in with mom and dad...
5.) Where do you hang out? work, Ari's house, Celeste's house, anywhere there is good company
6.) Do you wear glasses? Contacts
7.) Who are your best friend(s)? Ann M
8.) Who is your crush? I'm a little old for crushes
9.) How many tattoos do you have? one
10.) How many piercings do you have? five in one ear, three in the other, and my nose used to be and will be again soon
11.) What kind of car do you drive? Grace, my sebring convertible
12.) Do you drink or smoke? I'll have wine or beer occasionally (and margaritas) but I don't get drunk and I sometimes smoke cigars socially
13.) Has your heart been broken? No
14.) Are you Single, Taken, Engaged, Married, Divorced, or Widowed? I am very happily in a relationship
15.) What are your main interests/activities? Ari, spending quality time with friends, playing board games, flippy cup, road trips, europe trips, following Jesus
------10 years ago---------------
1.) How old were you? 12
2.) Where did you go to school? Benjamin Middle School
3) Where did you work? didn't
4.) Where did you live? With mom and dad in West Chicago
5.) Where did you hang out? Christine Wolniak's house... all the time
6.) Did you wear glasses? Yes
7.) Who was your best friend(s)? Christine Wolniak
8.) Who was your crush? Hans Colliander
9.) How many tattoos did you have? None
10.) How many piercings did you have? One in each ear
11.) What car did you drive? I didn't
12.) Did you drink or smoke? Nope
13.) Had your heart broken? I was twelve!
14.) Were you Single, Taken, Engaged, Married, Divorced, or Widowed? *see above*
15.) What were your main interests/activities? swimming and playing games with Christine and volleyball and basketball
----------------5 years ago----------------------
1.)How old were you? 17
2.) Where did you go to school? West Chicago high school
3.) Where did you work? St. Vincent DePaul thrift store
4.) Where did you live? Basically in my car! but technically with my parents still
5.) Where did you hang out? Evangel Baptist, Bakers Square, Wendy and Steve Taylor's house, anywhere that wasn't home
6.) Did you wear glasses? Contacts
7.) Who was your best friend(s)? Kelly Wagers
8.) Who was your crush? I was in between crushing on Aaron Troy and Joe Wagers
9.) How many tattoos did you have? None
10.) How many piercings did you have? Two in each ears and my cartilage in my left year
11.) What car did you drive? Micah, my buick white regal
12.) Did you drink or smoke? Nope
13.) Had you had your heart broken? No
14.) Were you Single, Taken, Engaged, Married, Divorced, or Widowed? Single
15.) What were your main interests/activities? Hanging out with my friends, being super involved at Evangel, helping out at the junior high youth group, choir, forensics (speech team)
----------------------NOW------------------------
1.) How old are you? 22
2.) Where do you go to school? Not in school
3.) Where do you work? Benjamin Middle School
4.) Where do you live? back in with mom and dad...
5.) Where do you hang out? work, Ari's house, Celeste's house, anywhere there is good company
6.) Do you wear glasses? Contacts
7.) Who are your best friend(s)? Ann M
8.) Who is your crush? I'm a little old for crushes
9.) How many tattoos do you have? one
10.) How many piercings do you have? five in one ear, three in the other, and my nose used to be and will be again soon
11.) What kind of car do you drive? Grace, my sebring convertible
12.) Do you drink or smoke? I'll have wine or beer occasionally (and margaritas) but I don't get drunk and I sometimes smoke cigars socially
13.) Has your heart been broken? No
14.) Are you Single, Taken, Engaged, Married, Divorced, or Widowed? I am very happily in a relationship
15.) What are your main interests/activities? Ari, spending quality time with friends, playing board games, flippy cup, road trips, europe trips, following Jesus
5.09.2007
taking care of business
I am doing relay for life on Friday and I have not yet reached my goal for fundraising. Please visit my website an consider donating. This is for a great cause I am walking to honor Dawn Leo (Ari's mom) and Erica Walter (my cousin). These are two amazing women who have impacted my life through their strength. To visit my RFL website click here
I did something to mess up my computer so I lost ALL of my bookmarks. So if anyone with a blog could send me your link so I can stay as updated on your lives as you stay on mine, I'll greatly appreciate it (even if you read this an think "she probably didn't read mine anyway" chances are, I did!) Thanks! Email address is lamonaca5@yahoo.com
Thank you so much!
I did something to mess up my computer so I lost ALL of my bookmarks. So if anyone with a blog could send me your link so I can stay as updated on your lives as you stay on mine, I'll greatly appreciate it (even if you read this an think "she probably didn't read mine anyway" chances are, I did!) Thanks! Email address is lamonaca5@yahoo.com
Thank you so much!
5.03.2007
walking through fire part 2
I apologize for my last post.
To explain myself, I am struggling with something. I feel betrayed and alone and confused and I have so many questions. While asking them, including the ones I expressed on my blog, I realized that God has been preparing me for this particular struggle, even when I had no idea it was coming.
Because of converstations with a friend, I have been challenged incredibly in my walk with Christ. I have had to find answers to questions that, in return, helped me to memorize scripture. The scripture I have memorized in the past couple months are words that our Lord knew I would need to remember through this trial.
I know I will get through it and I know I will come out stronger because I am learning to rely on the strength of God and He has more strength than any of us could ever imagine.
So let's all praise God for being so present in the darkest of times. For being my hope, my joy, my light, my strength, my one true love.
I'll write more later, I just needed to post this and let you all know that I really am okay. And though it feels like I am getting burned--I am confident that God is a God of love and that He will never let me be consumed by the flames.
To explain myself, I am struggling with something. I feel betrayed and alone and confused and I have so many questions. While asking them, including the ones I expressed on my blog, I realized that God has been preparing me for this particular struggle, even when I had no idea it was coming.
Because of converstations with a friend, I have been challenged incredibly in my walk with Christ. I have had to find answers to questions that, in return, helped me to memorize scripture. The scripture I have memorized in the past couple months are words that our Lord knew I would need to remember through this trial.
I know I will get through it and I know I will come out stronger because I am learning to rely on the strength of God and He has more strength than any of us could ever imagine.
So let's all praise God for being so present in the darkest of times. For being my hope, my joy, my light, my strength, my one true love.
I'll write more later, I just needed to post this and let you all know that I really am okay. And though it feels like I am getting burned--I am confident that God is a God of love and that He will never let me be consumed by the flames.
5.02.2007
walking through fire
Isaiah 43:2 says "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."
This is a verse that I carry with me every day believing that it is true. I have seen it in my life and I have seen it in others' lives.
As of today, I am walking through fire and I am trying so hard not to be consumed, but I feel like I am burning up. If I get burned does that mean that I didn't believe hard enough? Or that I didn't have enough faith? Or that I am not one of His chosen ones? Or that I am not good enough (which I'm not). If I get burned, does that mean that all of this is a lie? A lie.
Lies are funny things. We've all told them, but they destroy lives; they burn.
Could it all be a lie? Or is that just what the enemy wants me to think? If that is the case, than what happens if I do get burned?
This is a verse that I carry with me every day believing that it is true. I have seen it in my life and I have seen it in others' lives.
As of today, I am walking through fire and I am trying so hard not to be consumed, but I feel like I am burning up. If I get burned does that mean that I didn't believe hard enough? Or that I didn't have enough faith? Or that I am not one of His chosen ones? Or that I am not good enough (which I'm not). If I get burned, does that mean that all of this is a lie? A lie.
Lies are funny things. We've all told them, but they destroy lives; they burn.
Could it all be a lie? Or is that just what the enemy wants me to think? If that is the case, than what happens if I do get burned?
4.22.2007
Why I love kids but don't want to be a mom
I got a call two days ago asking if I could babysit tonight. I had many options of plans for tonight (which is not normal for my Saturdays) but I welcomed the opportunity to babysit. I kept telling people it was because I need the money, but, in reality, I simply enjoy babysitting.
Halfway through the day today I realized that I wouldn't be getting there until 8:30 which meant the kids would be in bed and I got really sad. When I got there Lisa (the mom) told me that Brianna (the 3 1/2 year old) was up twenty minutes earlier asking "is Monaca here yet?" and when her mom said no she asked "Next time can she come earlier so I can play with her?"
That melted my heart and made me ask myself "why dont I want kids?" Really, I am good with kids and I love being around them at most times. I have an incredible amount of patience when it comes to kids. Then I started wondering why I loved being a nanny so much but don't really enjoy working in a school as much (don't get me wrong, I love my job, I just really miss nannying). Then it hit me.
My favorite moments at work are when the kids make me laugh. I loved coaching the girls basketball team because they were so down to earth and I could goof around with them and they respected me and we just had fun. I love babysitting and nannying because I just get to be a kid. I get to play games and laugh and have fun. Most times the kids respect me-no questions asked. When I am at work I have to be an adult. I have to act like an adult and not laugh when people fall down and not laugh at silliness.
I don't like being an adult.
I love being around kids because they are so innocent. When they smile my world seems to make sense. Parents so often get wrapped up in "being the adult" that they forget how important the little things are. The laughter that can melt a heart becomes a high pitched noise that causes a headache. The innocent barrage of questions become a nuisance. Kids get used to their parents as the disciplinarian and get used to the routine of life with their parents and (even if it is a fun routine) welcome the break when a babysitter comes. When I babysit the kids get my full attention and, for however long I am there, they are my only responsibility. I don't have to think about laundry and work and cleaning and other people and "adult things." My world becomes them and they keep my world turning.
Maybe I will want to be a mom someday--I hear kids are a joy. But for now, I hope this clears up the question people always ask and I hope you will all stop asking. I love kids because they bring out a part of me that I like. They remind me of faith and joy and hope and pure love and innocence. They let me be me without judgement. They play with me and let me teach them new things. They know how to have fun and they include me in their fun. How could I not love kids?
Halfway through the day today I realized that I wouldn't be getting there until 8:30 which meant the kids would be in bed and I got really sad. When I got there Lisa (the mom) told me that Brianna (the 3 1/2 year old) was up twenty minutes earlier asking "is Monaca here yet?" and when her mom said no she asked "Next time can she come earlier so I can play with her?"
That melted my heart and made me ask myself "why dont I want kids?" Really, I am good with kids and I love being around them at most times. I have an incredible amount of patience when it comes to kids. Then I started wondering why I loved being a nanny so much but don't really enjoy working in a school as much (don't get me wrong, I love my job, I just really miss nannying). Then it hit me.
My favorite moments at work are when the kids make me laugh. I loved coaching the girls basketball team because they were so down to earth and I could goof around with them and they respected me and we just had fun. I love babysitting and nannying because I just get to be a kid. I get to play games and laugh and have fun. Most times the kids respect me-no questions asked. When I am at work I have to be an adult. I have to act like an adult and not laugh when people fall down and not laugh at silliness.
I don't like being an adult.
I love being around kids because they are so innocent. When they smile my world seems to make sense. Parents so often get wrapped up in "being the adult" that they forget how important the little things are. The laughter that can melt a heart becomes a high pitched noise that causes a headache. The innocent barrage of questions become a nuisance. Kids get used to their parents as the disciplinarian and get used to the routine of life with their parents and (even if it is a fun routine) welcome the break when a babysitter comes. When I babysit the kids get my full attention and, for however long I am there, they are my only responsibility. I don't have to think about laundry and work and cleaning and other people and "adult things." My world becomes them and they keep my world turning.
Maybe I will want to be a mom someday--I hear kids are a joy. But for now, I hope this clears up the question people always ask and I hope you will all stop asking. I love kids because they bring out a part of me that I like. They remind me of faith and joy and hope and pure love and innocence. They let me be me without judgement. They play with me and let me teach them new things. They know how to have fun and they include me in their fun. How could I not love kids?
4.21.2007
4.20.2007
Till we meet again
A memorial service was held for Grandma Dunkeld on Monday and I have been thinking about a song that was sung at the service since then. It was, of course, sung in Shona (the language of Zimbabwe) but it was beautiful. I think I would want this to be sung at my funeral as well. I love hymns. Here's the English version.
God be with you till we meet again;
by his counsels guide, uphold you,
with his sheep securely fold you;
God be with you till we meet again.
Till we meet, till we meet,
till we meet at Jesus' feet;
till we meet, till we meet,
God be with you till we meet again.
God be with you till we meet again;
neath his wings securely hide you,
daily manna still provide you;
God be with you till we meet again.
God be with you till we meet again;
when life's perils thick confound you,
put his arms unfailing round you;
God be with you till we meet again.
Till we meet, till we meet,
till we meet at Jesus' feet;
till we meet, till we meet,
God be with you till we meet again.
God be with you till we meet again;
keep love's banner floating o'er you,
smite death's threatening wave before you;
God be with you till we meet again.
How exciting is it that the Bible tells us we will recognize faces when we get to Heaven? Not only will we be worshiping our glorious Lord for eternity, we will be among loved one and friends. We will forever be with our brothers and sisters in Christ.
God be with you till we meet again;
by his counsels guide, uphold you,
with his sheep securely fold you;
God be with you till we meet again.
Till we meet, till we meet,
till we meet at Jesus' feet;
till we meet, till we meet,
God be with you till we meet again.
God be with you till we meet again;
neath his wings securely hide you,
daily manna still provide you;
God be with you till we meet again.
God be with you till we meet again;
when life's perils thick confound you,
put his arms unfailing round you;
God be with you till we meet again.
Till we meet, till we meet,
till we meet at Jesus' feet;
till we meet, till we meet,
God be with you till we meet again.
God be with you till we meet again;
keep love's banner floating o'er you,
smite death's threatening wave before you;
God be with you till we meet again.
How exciting is it that the Bible tells us we will recognize faces when we get to Heaven? Not only will we be worshiping our glorious Lord for eternity, we will be among loved one and friends. We will forever be with our brothers and sisters in Christ.
4.14.2007
Go away and never come back.
Maybe this is a result of Easter passing or maybe it's because Easter Sunday a year ago I was baptized or maybe it's because God is just that good, but regardless of why, I have been thinking a lot about Jesus. I have been asking myself questions like "why did he die for me?" I fail him all the time and he still wants me to be with him forever?? why?
Then I remember Psalm 139. He knit me together in my mothers womb. He has laid his hand upon me. No matter where I go, he is there. He knows my every thought, every word, every move. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. All of my days were written in his book.
I have had a lot of ghosts from the past that cause a lot of pain in my heart and leave room for the enemy to sneak his way in and tell me lies. I have sinned, as we all have, and I often fall short of the glory of God. Almost two years ago I wrote a post called the armor of God and I talked about how Satan uses our weaknesses to get into our minds. This is why we need the armor of God (read Ephesians 6 for more information). In the post, I talked about Smeagol and Gollum from Lord of the Rings and how our spiritual fights are much like his. Think about it.
Gollum:They're thieves! They're thieves! They're filthy little thieves! Where is it? Where is it? They stole it from us, our precious. Curse them! WE hates them! it's ours it is, and we wants it! We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false!
Smeagol: No! Not master.
Gollum: Yes precious. First they cheat you, hurt you, LIE.
Smeagol: Master's my friend!.
Gollum: You don't have any friends, nobody likes you!
Smeagol: I'm not listening, I'm not listening.
Gollum: You're a liar and a thief.
Smeagol: No!
Gollum: Murderer.
That sound like fights I constantly have in my head. Don't trust them. They'll lie to you, hurt you, cheat you! Nobody likes you! You have no friends! You're worthless.
But they keep going.
Smeagol: Go away!
Gollum: Go away?
Smeagol: I hate you, I hate you.
Gollum: Where would you be without me? Gollum! Gollum saved us! It was me! We survived because of me!
Smeagol: Not anymore.
Gollum: What did you say?
Smeagol: Master looks after us now, we don't need you anymore. Leave now and never come back!
This is what Jesus has done for us. He has given us the power to say to the enemy "No! Go away. I dont need you anymore! Jesus is all I need now. Jesus is my master!"
But it goes on...
Smeagol: Master looks after us now, we don't need you anymore. Leave now and never come back!
Gollum:What?
Smeagol: LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK! [Gollum screams]
Smeagol:LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK! [Silence]
Smeagol: We told him to go away and away he goes! Gone, gone, gone! Smeagol is free!
The Bible tells us that Jesus has set us free. We have the power to tell satan to go away and with the power of God, he will. Satan is no match compared to God and God is on our side! So we don't have to live in fear and live in lies and live in unhappiness becuase Jesus is our savior and he died so that we could live. He died so that we can tell satan to take his lies and leave and the enemy has no choice because he is WEAK.
How amazing is this? The weakness of God is still stronger than the strongest man (1 Corinthians 1:25) and with the strength of God, because of Jesus, there is a way out of every temptation to sin (1 Corinthians 10:13). He gives us the strength to not believe the lies of the enemy and to call him out on them and tell him to go away.
That is why Jesus died for us. God loved us so much that he sent his son so that we could call him master and live with him for eternity. When I was baptized a year ago I started my life over. All of my sins were washed away and along with them went the lies of the devil because I know I have been forgiven and I know I am loved.
Thank you for loving me Lord, even when I forget why.
Then I remember Psalm 139. He knit me together in my mothers womb. He has laid his hand upon me. No matter where I go, he is there. He knows my every thought, every word, every move. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. All of my days were written in his book.
I have had a lot of ghosts from the past that cause a lot of pain in my heart and leave room for the enemy to sneak his way in and tell me lies. I have sinned, as we all have, and I often fall short of the glory of God. Almost two years ago I wrote a post called the armor of God and I talked about how Satan uses our weaknesses to get into our minds. This is why we need the armor of God (read Ephesians 6 for more information). In the post, I talked about Smeagol and Gollum from Lord of the Rings and how our spiritual fights are much like his. Think about it.
Gollum:They're thieves! They're thieves! They're filthy little thieves! Where is it? Where is it? They stole it from us, our precious. Curse them! WE hates them! it's ours it is, and we wants it! We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false!
Smeagol: No! Not master.
Gollum: Yes precious. First they cheat you, hurt you, LIE.
Smeagol: Master's my friend!.
Gollum: You don't have any friends, nobody likes you!
Smeagol: I'm not listening, I'm not listening.
Gollum: You're a liar and a thief.
Smeagol: No!
Gollum: Murderer.
That sound like fights I constantly have in my head. Don't trust them. They'll lie to you, hurt you, cheat you! Nobody likes you! You have no friends! You're worthless.
But they keep going.
Smeagol: Go away!
Gollum: Go away?
Smeagol: I hate you, I hate you.
Gollum: Where would you be without me? Gollum! Gollum saved us! It was me! We survived because of me!
Smeagol: Not anymore.
Gollum: What did you say?
Smeagol: Master looks after us now, we don't need you anymore. Leave now and never come back!
This is what Jesus has done for us. He has given us the power to say to the enemy "No! Go away. I dont need you anymore! Jesus is all I need now. Jesus is my master!"
But it goes on...
Smeagol: Master looks after us now, we don't need you anymore. Leave now and never come back!
Gollum:What?
Smeagol: LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK! [Gollum screams]
Smeagol:LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK! [Silence]
Smeagol: We told him to go away and away he goes! Gone, gone, gone! Smeagol is free!
The Bible tells us that Jesus has set us free. We have the power to tell satan to go away and with the power of God, he will. Satan is no match compared to God and God is on our side! So we don't have to live in fear and live in lies and live in unhappiness becuase Jesus is our savior and he died so that we could live. He died so that we can tell satan to take his lies and leave and the enemy has no choice because he is WEAK.
How amazing is this? The weakness of God is still stronger than the strongest man (1 Corinthians 1:25) and with the strength of God, because of Jesus, there is a way out of every temptation to sin (1 Corinthians 10:13). He gives us the strength to not believe the lies of the enemy and to call him out on them and tell him to go away.
That is why Jesus died for us. God loved us so much that he sent his son so that we could call him master and live with him for eternity. When I was baptized a year ago I started my life over. All of my sins were washed away and along with them went the lies of the devil because I know I have been forgiven and I know I am loved.
Thank you for loving me Lord, even when I forget why.
4.07.2007
Answers
In my previous post I asked a bunch of questions about gossip. Here is what I have come up with thus far.
We know that it is never okay to gossip. The Bible talks about this in numerous places. (Check out Matthew 15:10-11... this is my favorite verse on this topic)
Ephesians 5:11 says do not take part in the unfruitful works of the darkness (for context read 5:6-12). This clearly means we should never join in the conversation in any way. Okay so far so good. Now what?
Proverbs 20:19 says who ever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefor do not associate with a simple babbler. Does this mean that we should walk away?
Yes, I think we should walk away. Here's why:
James 1:27 says ...keep oneself unstained from the world (for context read 1:26-27). How are we to stay unstained from the world if we are allowing ourselves to hear malicious attacks on other people. If we are listening to gossip we are listening to things of this world. Proverbs 26:22 says the words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body (read 26:20-23 for more info). If this is true, and I believe it is because it is in the Bible, than how can we listen to gossip and not have it infect us? It goes down into the inner parts of our body... do I really want the Holy Spirit inside of me to be exposed to the words of a "whisperer"?
Just as, if not more, important than what is said above is this: where is are focus when people gossip and where is our focus supposed to be? Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things (Philippians 4:8). Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth (Colossians 3:2). If we stand there and listen to the gossip that is being spoken, whether we participate in the conversation or not, we are not putting our focus on what we are supposed to be focusing on. If we listen, we are setting our minds on things of this earth, not things that are above. Listening to gossip is as bad as taking part in gossip because we lose focus, thus being tempted to sin. And we all know what the Bible says about that in Matthew 18 - if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away.
One last thought. As Christians we are called to be salt to the earth and a light of the world (Matthew 5:13-16). If we are listening to gossip without making it clear that we don't want any part of those conversations we are not being a light to the world. Instead, by not walking away we are making ourselves just like everyone else on this earth. We are almost condoning that kind of behavior and that is one of the last things we should want as Christians. How can we be an example of Christ if we don't stand out from the nonbelievers?
We know that it is never okay to gossip. The Bible talks about this in numerous places. (Check out Matthew 15:10-11... this is my favorite verse on this topic)
Ephesians 5:11 says do not take part in the unfruitful works of the darkness (for context read 5:6-12). This clearly means we should never join in the conversation in any way. Okay so far so good. Now what?
Proverbs 20:19 says who ever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefor do not associate with a simple babbler. Does this mean that we should walk away?
Yes, I think we should walk away. Here's why:
James 1:27 says ...keep oneself unstained from the world (for context read 1:26-27). How are we to stay unstained from the world if we are allowing ourselves to hear malicious attacks on other people. If we are listening to gossip we are listening to things of this world. Proverbs 26:22 says the words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body (read 26:20-23 for more info). If this is true, and I believe it is because it is in the Bible, than how can we listen to gossip and not have it infect us? It goes down into the inner parts of our body... do I really want the Holy Spirit inside of me to be exposed to the words of a "whisperer"?
Just as, if not more, important than what is said above is this: where is are focus when people gossip and where is our focus supposed to be? Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things (Philippians 4:8). Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth (Colossians 3:2). If we stand there and listen to the gossip that is being spoken, whether we participate in the conversation or not, we are not putting our focus on what we are supposed to be focusing on. If we listen, we are setting our minds on things of this earth, not things that are above. Listening to gossip is as bad as taking part in gossip because we lose focus, thus being tempted to sin. And we all know what the Bible says about that in Matthew 18 - if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away.
One last thought. As Christians we are called to be salt to the earth and a light of the world (Matthew 5:13-16). If we are listening to gossip without making it clear that we don't want any part of those conversations we are not being a light to the world. Instead, by not walking away we are making ourselves just like everyone else on this earth. We are almost condoning that kind of behavior and that is one of the last things we should want as Christians. How can we be an example of Christ if we don't stand out from the nonbelievers?
4.06.2007
Good questions about gossip
I made a new friend a couple months ago and I want to tell you about our friendship because I have been blessed immensely by it.
Outwardly, her and I are very different people. She is much older than I am. She is an artist, I am far from it. She is not very outspoken, I generally speak my mind. She is soft-spoken, I am Italian (enough said). She loves cats, I think cats are the spawn of satan. She loves being a mom, I never want to be a mom. She always feels bad when people get hurt, I laugh. I love roller coasters and rollerblading down lake shore drive and playing sports and you wouldn't find her near anything daring or athletic. I think you get my point.
Inwardly, her and I are very similar people. We both love Jesus. We both love being around people but need to be alone to re energize. We like the same books. We have similar love languages. We have similar attitudes about almost everything (except cats). And there is a lot more but I can't share them without you knowing the both of us and our stories of how we became who we are today.
When her and I talk, even from day one of our friendship, we never talk about surface level garbage. We always talk about the things that matter. We talk about what it means to be a Christian in a fallen world. We ask questions about life and share our stories.
You know the book Tuesdays with Morrie? Every Tuesday this guy goes to visit Morrie and they talk and share their life stories and every conversation is a learning lesson. That is my friend and me. We call it our "after schools" conversations.
During our last "after schools" conversation, my friend brought up a topic that consistently weighs on my heart--judgement and gossip and judging gossipers. Let me explain.
After a faculty meeting one day, my friend was talking to someone and a coworker came up to that person and said something that was very clearly making fun of another coworker and they both laughed. My friend was appalled. First, this was obviously a coworker these two people have made fun of before. Second, why did this coworker think it was okay to make fun of someone else in front of my friend? (Sorry for the lack of names, I just can't use names in case anyone at work reads this). So my friend came to me asking what should she have done in that situation.
I wasn't sure, this is a tough one for me. This is a question I constantly go back and forth on. If she said something along the lines of "please don't talk like that in front of me" then these nonbelievers would have just accused her of being a judgemental Christian. She obviously didn't take part in the conversation or even laugh when they were laughing but should she have done more? Should she have walked away? What could be done in a situation like that?
The bible is very clear on gossip. We are not to let cursings and blessings come from the same mouth and it is not the things we put into our mouths that defile us but the things that come out of our mouths and so on. But where does it talk about when others are gossiping in front of you? I know it has to be somewhere in the Bible and for some reason I never looked into it until today. I did find an answer and I will share it with you tomorrow.
Outwardly, her and I are very different people. She is much older than I am. She is an artist, I am far from it. She is not very outspoken, I generally speak my mind. She is soft-spoken, I am Italian (enough said). She loves cats, I think cats are the spawn of satan. She loves being a mom, I never want to be a mom. She always feels bad when people get hurt, I laugh. I love roller coasters and rollerblading down lake shore drive and playing sports and you wouldn't find her near anything daring or athletic. I think you get my point.
Inwardly, her and I are very similar people. We both love Jesus. We both love being around people but need to be alone to re energize. We like the same books. We have similar love languages. We have similar attitudes about almost everything (except cats). And there is a lot more but I can't share them without you knowing the both of us and our stories of how we became who we are today.
When her and I talk, even from day one of our friendship, we never talk about surface level garbage. We always talk about the things that matter. We talk about what it means to be a Christian in a fallen world. We ask questions about life and share our stories.
You know the book Tuesdays with Morrie? Every Tuesday this guy goes to visit Morrie and they talk and share their life stories and every conversation is a learning lesson. That is my friend and me. We call it our "after schools" conversations.
During our last "after schools" conversation, my friend brought up a topic that consistently weighs on my heart--judgement and gossip and judging gossipers. Let me explain.
After a faculty meeting one day, my friend was talking to someone and a coworker came up to that person and said something that was very clearly making fun of another coworker and they both laughed. My friend was appalled. First, this was obviously a coworker these two people have made fun of before. Second, why did this coworker think it was okay to make fun of someone else in front of my friend? (Sorry for the lack of names, I just can't use names in case anyone at work reads this). So my friend came to me asking what should she have done in that situation.
I wasn't sure, this is a tough one for me. This is a question I constantly go back and forth on. If she said something along the lines of "please don't talk like that in front of me" then these nonbelievers would have just accused her of being a judgemental Christian. She obviously didn't take part in the conversation or even laugh when they were laughing but should she have done more? Should she have walked away? What could be done in a situation like that?
The bible is very clear on gossip. We are not to let cursings and blessings come from the same mouth and it is not the things we put into our mouths that defile us but the things that come out of our mouths and so on. But where does it talk about when others are gossiping in front of you? I know it has to be somewhere in the Bible and for some reason I never looked into it until today. I did find an answer and I will share it with you tomorrow.
3.31.2007
Passions and Goals
I was talking to a friend of mine about passion and how important it is to be passionate about things and to have goals for ourselves. I just recently created a list of goals for myself and realized how closely related most of my goals are to the things I am passionate about. I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking about all the things that I am passionate about and here is a list I came up with.
I am passionate about:
Jesus—if I didn’t have the Lord in my life there is no way I would be where I am today.
Family—no explanation needed here. My family is the only constant I have had in my life. They have been there for every stage of my life and supported me continually.
Building relationships—I love meeting new people and learning about their lives and going deeper in relationships I already have.
Love—This goes without saying. What was the greatest commandment (according to Jesus)? Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind; likewise, love your neighbor as yourself.
Children—I think it is important that children are valued in our world, hence my wanting to be a social worker –> breaks out into song “I believe the children are our future…”
Life—As I have seen recently, I have no idea when my life will end or when anyone of my friends' lives will end. So, I want to live life to it’s fullest.
Music—I don’t really know why, but it keeps me going. It frees my soul.
Writing—it’s the best way I know how to express myself.
My goals:
Live – I want to live each day as if it were my last. I won’t let the sun go down on my anger and make sure I have no regrets.
Love – I want to love to my ultimate ability. I, of course, am human and will falter but I don’t want anyone in my life to be unsure of how important they are to me.
Health – I plan to loose weight. I will eat healthier and exercise regularly. God gave me this body and it is a temple therefore, I want to keep it healthy for him.
Relationships – I want to be the best friend/girlfriend/sister/cousin/daughter/aunt I can possibly be.
Jesus – I want my life to be a reflection of Christ’s. I want to be a light on a hill, salt to the earth, etcetera.
Joy – A friend told me recently that I don’t seem as happy as I used to be and that worries him. I want to laugh more and find the true joys in life, find happiness in the little things.
Priorities – I want to keep my priorities straight: God, Family, Friends, Work.
So if any of you want to keep me accountable on these goals, I am up for the challenge.
I am passionate about:
Jesus—if I didn’t have the Lord in my life there is no way I would be where I am today.
Family—no explanation needed here. My family is the only constant I have had in my life. They have been there for every stage of my life and supported me continually.
Building relationships—I love meeting new people and learning about their lives and going deeper in relationships I already have.
Love—This goes without saying. What was the greatest commandment (according to Jesus)? Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind; likewise, love your neighbor as yourself.
Children—I think it is important that children are valued in our world, hence my wanting to be a social worker –> breaks out into song “I believe the children are our future…”
Life—As I have seen recently, I have no idea when my life will end or when anyone of my friends' lives will end. So, I want to live life to it’s fullest.
Music—I don’t really know why, but it keeps me going. It frees my soul.
Writing—it’s the best way I know how to express myself.
My goals:
Live – I want to live each day as if it were my last. I won’t let the sun go down on my anger and make sure I have no regrets.
Love – I want to love to my ultimate ability. I, of course, am human and will falter but I don’t want anyone in my life to be unsure of how important they are to me.
Health – I plan to loose weight. I will eat healthier and exercise regularly. God gave me this body and it is a temple therefore, I want to keep it healthy for him.
Relationships – I want to be the best friend/girlfriend/sister/cousin/daughter/aunt I can possibly be.
Jesus – I want my life to be a reflection of Christ’s. I want to be a light on a hill, salt to the earth, etcetera.
Joy – A friend told me recently that I don’t seem as happy as I used to be and that worries him. I want to laugh more and find the true joys in life, find happiness in the little things.
Priorities – I want to keep my priorities straight: God, Family, Friends, Work.
So if any of you want to keep me accountable on these goals, I am up for the challenge.
3.30.2007
Give Me Jesus
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Mostly, what being a Christian is all about.
I've been spending some time with friends who are into the whole "party scene" lately and I have realized what made them stop walking the walk. It isn't that they are angry at God or don't believe, it is way more simple. It is easier to just not care.
Apathy is the best tool the devil has. If we just did't care about how we live our lives, things would be easier.
Last week, I went to my great uncle's wake. While there, I mentioned to my mom and dad that I used to have my funeral planned out in case anything ever happened to me. I want the song Give Me Jesus to be sung out my funeral.
In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus
When I am alone, give me Jesus
When I come to die, give me Jesus
Not only do I want that song to be sung, but I want people to hear it and think "that song is fitting." I don't want to be apathetic, making my life easier. No one ever said life was going to be easy--Jesus' life surely was not. I want to wake up every morning saying "Lord, I give this day to you" and live each day glorifying him. So when I come to die I can honestly say, "give me JESUS."
After hearing the news of Grandma Dunkeld yesterday, I was driving in my car listening to my favorite Christian radio station. Of course, the song I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe came on. It made me cry.
I've been spending some time with friends who are into the whole "party scene" lately and I have realized what made them stop walking the walk. It isn't that they are angry at God or don't believe, it is way more simple. It is easier to just not care.
Apathy is the best tool the devil has. If we just did't care about how we live our lives, things would be easier.
Last week, I went to my great uncle's wake. While there, I mentioned to my mom and dad that I used to have my funeral planned out in case anything ever happened to me. I want the song Give Me Jesus to be sung out my funeral.
In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus
When I am alone, give me Jesus
When I come to die, give me Jesus
Not only do I want that song to be sung, but I want people to hear it and think "that song is fitting." I don't want to be apathetic, making my life easier. No one ever said life was going to be easy--Jesus' life surely was not. I want to wake up every morning saying "Lord, I give this day to you" and live each day glorifying him. So when I come to die I can honestly say, "give me JESUS."
After hearing the news of Grandma Dunkeld yesterday, I was driving in my car listening to my favorite Christian radio station. Of course, the song I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe came on. It made me cry.
I can only imagine what it will be likeI want to live my life knowing that one day that moment will come and I wont have to wonder what it will be like anymore because I will finally be at home, forever with my Lord.
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine
Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus,
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Halelluja,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
3.29.2007
Grandma Dunkeld
I apologize for the lack of communication on my end. There has been crazyness going on--and not the normal kind.
For starters, one of my closests friends' grandma had a massive heart attack last week. I have known Grandma Dunkeld for five years and she is an amazing woman. She was a missionary for some astronomical number of years in Africa and she has always been a passionate woman. This year we celebrated her 90th birthday and believe me, she doesn't act, let alone look, 90.
On Friday morning at about 3:30 she started having a heart attack. An ambulence was called and everyone rushed over to the hospital. The left side of her heart was clogged at 100% and the right was clogged at 90%. After a couple days of pain and claiming she was "ready to go home to Jesus" the doctor told her that her heart is strong and she is going to live to be 100. Her reply of course was, "I don't want to be 100, do you know what people who are 100 look like? OLD!" Good old Grandma Dunkeld still had her wit and sense of humor.
Monday they moved her out of the Intensive Cardiac care unit into the regular cardiac care unit. I was there when they moved her. I was sitting in her room having a conversation with her (she was telling me about when she broke her tailbone years ago) and I was thinking about how great she looked. She was upbeat and wanting to go home to her house (and dog who wont eat without her there). All of a sudden my vision started going black and I said "I'm blacking out" without warning. I completely fainted and Auntie Lois (Celeste's aunt) caught me and sat me down. As soon as I woke up I vomitted. It was terrible. A nurse came with a wheel chair and brought me down to the emergency room where I spent the next 7 hours hooked up to IVs and monitors. Apparently I was very dehydrated. Great.
So, I haven't been able to make it to the hospital since my Monday episode but everyone has been telling me that Grandma is doing well. Celeste even told me last night that they were thinking about discharging her into rehab today. I told Celeste I would come by to see her in the afternoon.
This morning at 7am I got a phone call that said Grandma Dunkeld had another massive heart attack. I called Celeste to see if she wanted me to come to the hospital and she made it sound like they are basically just waiting for her to let go now. Ari's mom didn't even know if she would be able to make it to the hospital in time.
So, that is what has been going on. This week has been filled with tears, laughter, joy, peace, sorrow, fear, and prayers.
A scripture comes to mind right now and it is what really keeps me going often.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for you souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. -- Matthew 11:28-30
I do not need to worry about the happenings around me. Jesus will take care of all of it. He will give us rest. I musn't worry about Grandma Dunkeld. I know if she dies that she will be out of pain and at home with Jesus. And, though everyone here will miss her on earth, we will see her again one day and be able to spend eternity with her. Whatever happens, I will find rest in Jesus.
As I finished typing this post I got a phone call from Celeste. Grandma Dunkeld didn't make it.
For starters, one of my closests friends' grandma had a massive heart attack last week. I have known Grandma Dunkeld for five years and she is an amazing woman. She was a missionary for some astronomical number of years in Africa and she has always been a passionate woman. This year we celebrated her 90th birthday and believe me, she doesn't act, let alone look, 90.
On Friday morning at about 3:30 she started having a heart attack. An ambulence was called and everyone rushed over to the hospital. The left side of her heart was clogged at 100% and the right was clogged at 90%. After a couple days of pain and claiming she was "ready to go home to Jesus" the doctor told her that her heart is strong and she is going to live to be 100. Her reply of course was, "I don't want to be 100, do you know what people who are 100 look like? OLD!" Good old Grandma Dunkeld still had her wit and sense of humor.
Monday they moved her out of the Intensive Cardiac care unit into the regular cardiac care unit. I was there when they moved her. I was sitting in her room having a conversation with her (she was telling me about when she broke her tailbone years ago) and I was thinking about how great she looked. She was upbeat and wanting to go home to her house (and dog who wont eat without her there). All of a sudden my vision started going black and I said "I'm blacking out" without warning. I completely fainted and Auntie Lois (Celeste's aunt) caught me and sat me down. As soon as I woke up I vomitted. It was terrible. A nurse came with a wheel chair and brought me down to the emergency room where I spent the next 7 hours hooked up to IVs and monitors. Apparently I was very dehydrated. Great.
So, I haven't been able to make it to the hospital since my Monday episode but everyone has been telling me that Grandma is doing well. Celeste even told me last night that they were thinking about discharging her into rehab today. I told Celeste I would come by to see her in the afternoon.
This morning at 7am I got a phone call that said Grandma Dunkeld had another massive heart attack. I called Celeste to see if she wanted me to come to the hospital and she made it sound like they are basically just waiting for her to let go now. Ari's mom didn't even know if she would be able to make it to the hospital in time.
So, that is what has been going on. This week has been filled with tears, laughter, joy, peace, sorrow, fear, and prayers.
A scripture comes to mind right now and it is what really keeps me going often.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for you souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. -- Matthew 11:28-30
I do not need to worry about the happenings around me. Jesus will take care of all of it. He will give us rest. I musn't worry about Grandma Dunkeld. I know if she dies that she will be out of pain and at home with Jesus. And, though everyone here will miss her on earth, we will see her again one day and be able to spend eternity with her. Whatever happens, I will find rest in Jesus.
As I finished typing this post I got a phone call from Celeste. Grandma Dunkeld didn't make it.
3.18.2007
Don't hassel the hoff!
pparently, David Hasselhoff was seriously trying to build a career in music with these videos... (supposedly he made it big in Europe) Check these out, they are hillarious! his voice isn't too bad either.
Jump in my Car
Jump in my Car
3.09.2007
the love movement
Someone let me down yesterday.
Someone told me that (s)he was going to show up somewhere and then didn't. No phone call. No warning. Nothing.
It wasn't a big deal. It wasn't like I needed this person to be there. It wasn't like I couldn't go on without this person. Which is why (s)he didn't understand when I was upset.
I understand when someone says they'll be somewhere and then before that time I get a phone call saying, "I'm not feeling well" or "I don't want to drive in this weather" or "My dog got sick" or whatever. I understand because it happens to me all the time. That's life--welcome to living. What I do not understand and do not appreciate is when there is no phone call and no emergency.
That is an issue of trust. If I can't trust I can't depend on you and a lack of dependence is a lack of any sort of good relationship.
Someone let me down yesterday but I forgave him/her and we set things right.
Even more frustrating to me than someone letting me down is someone not forgiving me or moving on from me letting him/her down.
I am human, just as you are. I make mistakes just as you have. I let people down just as we all do. I sometimes forget what is right and what is wrong. I sometimes forget that everybody reacts to things differently and that something that may not be a big deal to me is a big deal to someone else. I ask to be forgiven.
Please do not hold a grudge. I have never intentionally hurt anyone (except maybe my brother when I was younger.... but that's another story). Just as I have to realize that no one is out to get me, we all need to realize that no one is out to get us.
Where is the joy in holding a grudge?
I honestly believe that it takes more energy to be mean and hold a grudge than it takes to just love one another as we would want to be loved.
I want to start a movement called The Love Movement where everyone loves each other as Christ loved the church. Who's with me?
Someone told me that (s)he was going to show up somewhere and then didn't. No phone call. No warning. Nothing.
It wasn't a big deal. It wasn't like I needed this person to be there. It wasn't like I couldn't go on without this person. Which is why (s)he didn't understand when I was upset.
I understand when someone says they'll be somewhere and then before that time I get a phone call saying, "I'm not feeling well" or "I don't want to drive in this weather" or "My dog got sick" or whatever. I understand because it happens to me all the time. That's life--welcome to living. What I do not understand and do not appreciate is when there is no phone call and no emergency.
That is an issue of trust. If I can't trust I can't depend on you and a lack of dependence is a lack of any sort of good relationship.
Someone let me down yesterday but I forgave him/her and we set things right.
Even more frustrating to me than someone letting me down is someone not forgiving me or moving on from me letting him/her down.
I am human, just as you are. I make mistakes just as you have. I let people down just as we all do. I sometimes forget what is right and what is wrong. I sometimes forget that everybody reacts to things differently and that something that may not be a big deal to me is a big deal to someone else. I ask to be forgiven.
Please do not hold a grudge. I have never intentionally hurt anyone (except maybe my brother when I was younger.... but that's another story). Just as I have to realize that no one is out to get me, we all need to realize that no one is out to get us.
Where is the joy in holding a grudge?
I honestly believe that it takes more energy to be mean and hold a grudge than it takes to just love one another as we would want to be loved.
I want to start a movement called The Love Movement where everyone loves each other as Christ loved the church. Who's with me?
2.27.2007
2.19.2007
My friend, Bob
I have gotten a lot of questions and emails regarding my last post. So let me clarify what I believe.
As I Christian I have a struggle that continuously haunts me. There are plenty of instances where the liberal part of me says "yes, fight for that belief!" and the Christian part of me says "whoa, slow down a second. Would Jesus fight for this?" And that is where it gets iffy.
Though we have the Bible, there are so many things I am unclear on. Take homosexuality, for instance. Yes, it clearly says in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin. But so was prostitution and Jesus spent most of his time with the prostitutes and tax collectors. Jesus preached love--love everyone. We are all sinners and sin is sin, period. Whether it's not forgiving our brothers and sisters or prostitution or lying or homosexuality or lusting after that man or woman on TV, it is sin. Sin is sin. So why is the church pushing away homosexuals? Why is the church hating someone who had an abortion? Why does the church look down upon a man or woman who is divorced? Why does the church turn its back on people who need to see the love of Jesus more than anything?
More importantly, why hasn't the church turned its back on me? I am a sinner. And believe me, I am not better than any one else the church "looks down upon". I hold grudges and sometimes lie and sometimes I stuff my face with ho-hos. I find myself gossiping and sometimes I admire God's creation of Michael Vartan a little too much... Why has the church accepted me? Who decided those things are okay and I can repent and be forgiven but my brother who is gay and my sister who had an abortion and my brother who is divorced--they can't repent? they won't be forgiven? they aren't worthy??? (by my brother and sister I mean brothers and sisters in Christ).
True, they aren't worthy. But neither are you. Niether am I. No one is worthy, I am sure of that much.
So, though I don't really think that this guy who wrote Initiative 957 is really going to get his point across, I support the point he is trying to make. Which brings me to my next frustration (then I'll get off my soap box).
I have a friend whom I will call Bob. Bob and I were joking around one day and I said "you're going to go to hell for saying that" and he said "well, I don't believe in hell, so I guess I'm safe." That got me thinking.
You can tell Bob that homosexuality is a sin all you want but he doesn't believe in God, so why would that matter to him? If he doesn't believe in an after life, who are we to tell him he cannot be happy in his life on Earth? You see, I often see the corrupt world and remind myself that I am not home. That I have hope because I will be spending an eternity with God. Bob doesn't have that hope. He is home. This is his life--he only has one and he will live it to the fullest. I'm not saying that Bob is gay, but if he were, who are we to tell him he cannot be happy? Why can the government tell him he cannot get married?
Now some of my other Christian friends (particularly those friends from Calvin) would tell me that marriage is a unity between a man and a woman under God. True. So let's not let the Buddists and the Muslims and the agnostic and the atheists get married then too. If non-christians can get married in a courthouse (which is not a unity under God, by the way) then why can't homosexuals? So even if Bob isn't gay, because he doesn't believe in God does that mean he cannot fall in love? Does that mean he cannot commit to spend the rest of his life with a woman? Should we not allow him to get married because it would not be a unity under God because he does not believe in God? How is that fair? If marriage is about God, why do we get marriage certificates and it becomes a legal act? Where is the seperation of church and state?
If I get married, you better believe it will be a unity under God. I believe in God and I will marry someone else who believes. We will get married in a church and become one in God's eyes, but we will also become united as man and woman legally. The legal part is all the non-christians are looking for. They just want to be united legally.
As a Christian, I believe Jesus loves homosexuals just as much as he loves me. I also believe Jesus loves me just as much as he loves rapists and murderers. I believe he loves murderers just as much as he loves you. I believe he loves you just as much as he loves pastors and preachers and priests. I believe he loves priests just as much as he loves my friend, Bob. I believe he loves my friend, Bob, just as much as he loves my dad, who is becoming a Deacon. I believe he loves my dad just as much as he loved Judah, who betrayed him. I believe he loved Judah just as much as he loved his other disciples. I believe he loves his disciples just as much as he loved the prostitutes and tax collectors with whom he spent so much time. Get my point?
As I Christian I have a struggle that continuously haunts me. There are plenty of instances where the liberal part of me says "yes, fight for that belief!" and the Christian part of me says "whoa, slow down a second. Would Jesus fight for this?" And that is where it gets iffy.
Though we have the Bible, there are so many things I am unclear on. Take homosexuality, for instance. Yes, it clearly says in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin. But so was prostitution and Jesus spent most of his time with the prostitutes and tax collectors. Jesus preached love--love everyone. We are all sinners and sin is sin, period. Whether it's not forgiving our brothers and sisters or prostitution or lying or homosexuality or lusting after that man or woman on TV, it is sin. Sin is sin. So why is the church pushing away homosexuals? Why is the church hating someone who had an abortion? Why does the church look down upon a man or woman who is divorced? Why does the church turn its back on people who need to see the love of Jesus more than anything?
More importantly, why hasn't the church turned its back on me? I am a sinner. And believe me, I am not better than any one else the church "looks down upon". I hold grudges and sometimes lie and sometimes I stuff my face with ho-hos. I find myself gossiping and sometimes I admire God's creation of Michael Vartan a little too much... Why has the church accepted me? Who decided those things are okay and I can repent and be forgiven but my brother who is gay and my sister who had an abortion and my brother who is divorced--they can't repent? they won't be forgiven? they aren't worthy??? (by my brother and sister I mean brothers and sisters in Christ).
True, they aren't worthy. But neither are you. Niether am I. No one is worthy, I am sure of that much.
So, though I don't really think that this guy who wrote Initiative 957 is really going to get his point across, I support the point he is trying to make. Which brings me to my next frustration (then I'll get off my soap box).
I have a friend whom I will call Bob. Bob and I were joking around one day and I said "you're going to go to hell for saying that" and he said "well, I don't believe in hell, so I guess I'm safe." That got me thinking.
You can tell Bob that homosexuality is a sin all you want but he doesn't believe in God, so why would that matter to him? If he doesn't believe in an after life, who are we to tell him he cannot be happy in his life on Earth? You see, I often see the corrupt world and remind myself that I am not home. That I have hope because I will be spending an eternity with God. Bob doesn't have that hope. He is home. This is his life--he only has one and he will live it to the fullest. I'm not saying that Bob is gay, but if he were, who are we to tell him he cannot be happy? Why can the government tell him he cannot get married?
Now some of my other Christian friends (particularly those friends from Calvin) would tell me that marriage is a unity between a man and a woman under God. True. So let's not let the Buddists and the Muslims and the agnostic and the atheists get married then too. If non-christians can get married in a courthouse (which is not a unity under God, by the way) then why can't homosexuals? So even if Bob isn't gay, because he doesn't believe in God does that mean he cannot fall in love? Does that mean he cannot commit to spend the rest of his life with a woman? Should we not allow him to get married because it would not be a unity under God because he does not believe in God? How is that fair? If marriage is about God, why do we get marriage certificates and it becomes a legal act? Where is the seperation of church and state?
If I get married, you better believe it will be a unity under God. I believe in God and I will marry someone else who believes. We will get married in a church and become one in God's eyes, but we will also become united as man and woman legally. The legal part is all the non-christians are looking for. They just want to be united legally.
As a Christian, I believe Jesus loves homosexuals just as much as he loves me. I also believe Jesus loves me just as much as he loves rapists and murderers. I believe he loves murderers just as much as he loves you. I believe he loves you just as much as he loves pastors and preachers and priests. I believe he loves priests just as much as he loves my friend, Bob. I believe he loves my friend, Bob, just as much as he loves my dad, who is becoming a Deacon. I believe he loves my dad just as much as he loved Judah, who betrayed him. I believe he loved Judah just as much as he loved his other disciples. I believe he loves his disciples just as much as he loved the prostitutes and tax collectors with whom he spent so much time. Get my point?
2.14.2007
Marriages not legal if unable to procreate??
While browsing through cnn.com--the only thing in my life that keeps me updated on current events--I came across a video titled Have Baby in 3 Years or Divorce, Proposal Says and got curious. I watched this video and found myself completely appalled by this new proposal. Initiative 957 is requiring that marriages in the state of Washington have a child within 3 years of their marriage. They must prove that they are able to procreate before getting married and if they do not the marriage will be annulled.
I have so many things to say about this -- especially as someone who decided when I start my own family I do not want to put more children on this earth when there are so many in need of adoption.
I decided to do a little research on this to ensure that I know what I am talking about when I start to fight against this propsal and boy am I glad I did.
While it is true that they are trying to get I-957 on the ballot in November, it is not true that the creator of the proposal is serious about it. Instead, he is serious about a much larger issue--what defines a marriage?
When Washington passed a law that same sex marriages are not legal in the state of Washington the Supreme Court mentioned procreation multiple times as support behind that decision. This new proposal is solely to raise awareness of the absurdity of saying who can and cannot fall in love and decide to spend the rest of their lives together.
If I am unable to birth a child would it be fair for my government to tell me I cannot get married because marriage is for the purpose of procreation. Isn't that what the Catholic church believes? Who gets to say that the Catholic church is wrong or right here? Likewise, if I fall in love with another woman is it fair for my government to tell me I cannot marry her because marriage is a union between a man and a woman? Isn't that what the Catholic church believes? Again, who gets to say the Catholic church is wrong or right here?
Where do we draw the line of separation of church and state? Isn't homosexuality wrong because the church said so? It is a sin, I don't disagree with that but so is having sex before marriage and I don't see states outlawing that...
Just some things to ponder before making a decision and standing by it on whether or not same sex marriage should be legal.
To read the article I read about Initiative 957 click here
I have so many things to say about this -- especially as someone who decided when I start my own family I do not want to put more children on this earth when there are so many in need of adoption.
I decided to do a little research on this to ensure that I know what I am talking about when I start to fight against this propsal and boy am I glad I did.
While it is true that they are trying to get I-957 on the ballot in November, it is not true that the creator of the proposal is serious about it. Instead, he is serious about a much larger issue--what defines a marriage?
When Washington passed a law that same sex marriages are not legal in the state of Washington the Supreme Court mentioned procreation multiple times as support behind that decision. This new proposal is solely to raise awareness of the absurdity of saying who can and cannot fall in love and decide to spend the rest of their lives together.
If I am unable to birth a child would it be fair for my government to tell me I cannot get married because marriage is for the purpose of procreation. Isn't that what the Catholic church believes? Who gets to say that the Catholic church is wrong or right here? Likewise, if I fall in love with another woman is it fair for my government to tell me I cannot marry her because marriage is a union between a man and a woman? Isn't that what the Catholic church believes? Again, who gets to say the Catholic church is wrong or right here?
Where do we draw the line of separation of church and state? Isn't homosexuality wrong because the church said so? It is a sin, I don't disagree with that but so is having sex before marriage and I don't see states outlawing that...
Just some things to ponder before making a decision and standing by it on whether or not same sex marriage should be legal.
To read the article I read about Initiative 957 click here
2.08.2007
Look out Boston, here I come
I'll be in Boston with my cousin Anna this weekend to visit Justin and our friends Jeff and D.J.! I can't wait.
I don't think Boston is ready for the LaMonaca cousins...
I don't think Boston is ready for the LaMonaca cousins...
2.05.2007
MIA
Sorry I have been missing for the last couple weeks. A lot has been going on. Here's a "brief" update. (I put "brief" in quotation marks because nothing is ever really brief with me... is it?)
My tailbone
It's healing. Slowly but surely. The doctor said people feel pain anywhere from three weeks to ten. For once in my life I think I am on the "fast track". It has been three weeks and I am starting to be able to sit on one cheek at a time. That's nice because I do not need to carry around my donut. Hopefully I will be healed sooner than later.
The Bears
I have been waiting for the Chicago Bears to win the superbowl my entire life. I cannot express my excitement two weeks ago when we defeated the Saints to win the NFC Championship. I was so sure they would win (esspecially against the Colts). Yes, the Colts had one of the best kickers in the NFL, but so did we. Yes the Colts had one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL but so did... wait a minute.... Rex Grossman sucks! However, we had a chance. We had one of the best runningbacks in the NFL. If Grossman had handed the ball over to Thomas Jones every time, we would have dominated. Benson's not so bad either, but he had to go and hurt himself. Anyway, there's no point in dwelling--just know that I am mourning. The bears haven't won a superbowl since I was 7 months old... and I am still waiting.
My Job
I started coaching the girls basketball team. I felt like the boys team had ruined the coaching experience for me, so I was not very excited. We had a game last Thursday and we lost by three points. It was a close game, but my team has a large--how should I put this--lack of talent... I'm not trying to be mean. They are in 6th grade and most of them have not played on a team before. That's fine. I would take this team ANY day over what I had with the boys--cocky players who throw the game by not listening to/challenging the coach. The girls team vs the boys team is like night and day. The girls get excited every time they score. They play with enthusiasm and they listen to everything I tell them to do. When we won they were jumping around with joy. Who wouldn't want to coach such a wonderful team?
Family Reunion!
This week Mike, Beth, and Cassandra (my brother, sister-in-law, and niece) came in town. They live in Arizona, so it's a huge treat when we get to see them. Then Sunday Christopher and Erika (my other brother and sister-in-law) came up to visit. So today I took off work, as did my mom and dad, and we spent the day together as a family. We haven't done that since before Christopher even knew Erika! It was wonderful. I finally feel like I am getting to know Beth and my niece actually knows who I am! It's nice. Another thing that is nice is that Mike finally got to meet Ari and I like that my brothers are getting to know him. I feel like that is important. I love my family.
So, that's been my excitement over the last two weeks. Life is good. God is good.
One God-One Word-One Way
My tailbone
It's healing. Slowly but surely. The doctor said people feel pain anywhere from three weeks to ten. For once in my life I think I am on the "fast track". It has been three weeks and I am starting to be able to sit on one cheek at a time. That's nice because I do not need to carry around my donut. Hopefully I will be healed sooner than later.
The Bears
I have been waiting for the Chicago Bears to win the superbowl my entire life. I cannot express my excitement two weeks ago when we defeated the Saints to win the NFC Championship. I was so sure they would win (esspecially against the Colts). Yes, the Colts had one of the best kickers in the NFL, but so did we. Yes the Colts had one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL but so did... wait a minute.... Rex Grossman sucks! However, we had a chance. We had one of the best runningbacks in the NFL. If Grossman had handed the ball over to Thomas Jones every time, we would have dominated. Benson's not so bad either, but he had to go and hurt himself. Anyway, there's no point in dwelling--just know that I am mourning. The bears haven't won a superbowl since I was 7 months old... and I am still waiting.
My Job
I started coaching the girls basketball team. I felt like the boys team had ruined the coaching experience for me, so I was not very excited. We had a game last Thursday and we lost by three points. It was a close game, but my team has a large--how should I put this--lack of talent... I'm not trying to be mean. They are in 6th grade and most of them have not played on a team before. That's fine. I would take this team ANY day over what I had with the boys--cocky players who throw the game by not listening to/challenging the coach. The girls team vs the boys team is like night and day. The girls get excited every time they score. They play with enthusiasm and they listen to everything I tell them to do. When we won they were jumping around with joy. Who wouldn't want to coach such a wonderful team?
Family Reunion!
This week Mike, Beth, and Cassandra (my brother, sister-in-law, and niece) came in town. They live in Arizona, so it's a huge treat when we get to see them. Then Sunday Christopher and Erika (my other brother and sister-in-law) came up to visit. So today I took off work, as did my mom and dad, and we spent the day together as a family. We haven't done that since before Christopher even knew Erika! It was wonderful. I finally feel like I am getting to know Beth and my niece actually knows who I am! It's nice. Another thing that is nice is that Mike finally got to meet Ari and I like that my brothers are getting to know him. I feel like that is important. I love my family.
So, that's been my excitement over the last two weeks. Life is good. God is good.
One God-One Word-One Way
1.23.2007
My Coccyx
Monday at 5:30 in the morning I was walking down the stairs and I somehow slipped. I hit the first stair so hard that I bounced up and missed the next two stairs and then slid on my tushy the rest of the way down. By the time I got to the bottom, the entire room was spinning and everything started to go black. Next, I threw up.
I don't really remember hitting my head - but somehow I got a minor concusion. I do remember hitting my tushy--that hurt more than I could have imagined. There is a small hairline fracture in my coccyx (my tailbone... I just like that word). I also unaligned my back somewhere in the process and now have a back that looks like an "S".
And I had gone so long without getting hurt. Geeze.
I don't really remember hitting my head - but somehow I got a minor concusion. I do remember hitting my tushy--that hurt more than I could have imagined. There is a small hairline fracture in my coccyx (my tailbone... I just like that word). I also unaligned my back somewhere in the process and now have a back that looks like an "S".
And I had gone so long without getting hurt. Geeze.
1.22.2007
1.14.2007
Four days! yay!
This weekend was a four day weekend for me! Friday was an institute day so the teachers had to stay but not the TAs which meant I got to relax all day. Then Monday is Martin Luther King Jr. Day which, again, means I get to relax all day. Leave it to Ari to go out of town on the weekend I have four days!
I didn't really do anything this weekend. I mainly just enjoyed the break from life. Over holiday break I didn't get much time to myself cause I was with my cousins all the time or working on stuff for the MOLE or with my mom and dad. So this weekend was just Crocket and me. I read a lot, taught Crocket the point of fetch (he never really caught on to it before), watched Forrest Gump with Mom and Dad, and took Crocket for a run. Fun times.
So now Ari is back and we are going out to dinner and tomorrow we are not doing anything or talking to anyone. That's my plan at least.
I don't really have much else to say. Sooooo... peace out.
I didn't really do anything this weekend. I mainly just enjoyed the break from life. Over holiday break I didn't get much time to myself cause I was with my cousins all the time or working on stuff for the MOLE or with my mom and dad. So this weekend was just Crocket and me. I read a lot, taught Crocket the point of fetch (he never really caught on to it before), watched Forrest Gump with Mom and Dad, and took Crocket for a run. Fun times.
So now Ari is back and we are going out to dinner and tomorrow we are not doing anything or talking to anyone. That's my plan at least.
I don't really have much else to say. Sooooo... peace out.
1.12.2007
A million ways
This is the same group who did the "Here We Go Again" song (the one with the treadmills)
I am so going to learn this dance!
Enjoy
I am so going to learn this dance!
Enjoy
1.08.2007
FORGIVENESS
I have been learning an important lesson in forgiveness. And here it is... I need to forgive.
Sounds simple right? WRONG. I always thought I was a forgiving person and that I didn't hold grudges, but I am realizing now how false those thoughts actually are. Here's an example:
My brother.
I love my brother. He has always been a huge example to me of how to live a good life. I've written about him in the past about how he lights up a room just by being in it. He's wonderful and everyone agrees. So why would I need to forgive him? Growing up, I always had this terrible feeling that he was perfect and everyone compared me to him and I could never be as great as him... so where did that leave me? Empty. The thing is, he never made it easier for me. When my parents would hurt my feelings, Christopher took their side. When I had a hard time with a friend, Christopher told me I was maybe doing something wrong. Whenever I had a feeling that I couldn't help - he reassured me that my feelings were wrong and that I shouldn't feel them.
Now, I know that my brother would never hurt me on purpose and I know that he probably never realized how much those things affected me but I cannot help that they did. We have feelings for a reason and to push them aside and act like they aren't real only complicates things. So for years and years I have been pushing my feelings toward Christopher aside. I convinced myself that I was the problem and that he didn't need to be forgiven and that ate me apart.
I am sure my brother didn't even know he needed to be forgiven, but he did. So last week I decided I was going to forgive him and not just say I forgave him but to act it out. To love him even when he hurts me. To stop having negetive feelings toward him. To understand that I am just a small dot on this earth and that God has forgiven me and who do I think I am that I deserve forgiveness in any way, shape or form? I don't and I have still been forgiven, so why should I hold a grudge against anyone on this earth.
So my new goal for this year is to forgive Ryan--A guy who hurt me more than anyone else ever could. But not just to forgive him, but to love him. To recognize that though he has strayed from God's plan for his life, he is still a child of God and God still loves him. And if God loves him, who am I to think I am incapable of loving a child of God. And if he has been forgiven for his sins, which are no worse than my own, who am I to hold a grudge?
That doesn't mean it will be easy, but I want to try. And for those of you who know who Ryan is -- feel free to ask me if I have forgiven him yet... I am sure I will need the reminders.
Above forgiving the people who have hurt me in big ways I need it's also important to remember to forgive the little things. Even more important than that---asking others to forgive me.
So to everyone out there that I have hurt (and I know that there are a lot of you)... I truly am sorry. Forgive me as Jesus forgives all of us, though non of us (esspecially me) are worthy.
Sounds simple right? WRONG. I always thought I was a forgiving person and that I didn't hold grudges, but I am realizing now how false those thoughts actually are. Here's an example:
My brother.
I love my brother. He has always been a huge example to me of how to live a good life. I've written about him in the past about how he lights up a room just by being in it. He's wonderful and everyone agrees. So why would I need to forgive him? Growing up, I always had this terrible feeling that he was perfect and everyone compared me to him and I could never be as great as him... so where did that leave me? Empty. The thing is, he never made it easier for me. When my parents would hurt my feelings, Christopher took their side. When I had a hard time with a friend, Christopher told me I was maybe doing something wrong. Whenever I had a feeling that I couldn't help - he reassured me that my feelings were wrong and that I shouldn't feel them.
Now, I know that my brother would never hurt me on purpose and I know that he probably never realized how much those things affected me but I cannot help that they did. We have feelings for a reason and to push them aside and act like they aren't real only complicates things. So for years and years I have been pushing my feelings toward Christopher aside. I convinced myself that I was the problem and that he didn't need to be forgiven and that ate me apart.
I am sure my brother didn't even know he needed to be forgiven, but he did. So last week I decided I was going to forgive him and not just say I forgave him but to act it out. To love him even when he hurts me. To stop having negetive feelings toward him. To understand that I am just a small dot on this earth and that God has forgiven me and who do I think I am that I deserve forgiveness in any way, shape or form? I don't and I have still been forgiven, so why should I hold a grudge against anyone on this earth.
So my new goal for this year is to forgive Ryan--A guy who hurt me more than anyone else ever could. But not just to forgive him, but to love him. To recognize that though he has strayed from God's plan for his life, he is still a child of God and God still loves him. And if God loves him, who am I to think I am incapable of loving a child of God. And if he has been forgiven for his sins, which are no worse than my own, who am I to hold a grudge?
That doesn't mean it will be easy, but I want to try. And for those of you who know who Ryan is -- feel free to ask me if I have forgiven him yet... I am sure I will need the reminders.
Above forgiving the people who have hurt me in big ways I need it's also important to remember to forgive the little things. Even more important than that---asking others to forgive me.
So to everyone out there that I have hurt (and I know that there are a lot of you)... I truly am sorry. Forgive me as Jesus forgives all of us, though non of us (esspecially me) are worthy.
1.06.2007
I Am
Someone sent this to me in an email. I thought it was cool. I also think you should copy it and delete whats green and fill in your own answers, then post in on your blogs...
I Am alive
I Want freedom
I Have hope
I Wish for peace
I Hate steak
I Fear darkness
I Hear rain on the roof
I Search for truth
I Wonder what's to come
I Regret nothing
I Love because Jesus loved
I Ache when I hurt others
I Always try to be myself
I Usually fail
I Am Not a liar
I Dance to free my soul
I Sing all the time
I Never hurt people intentionaly
I Rarely feel lonely
I Cry when I feel lonely
I Am Not Always what I seem to be
I Lose faith in humanity every day
I'm Confused about what I am doing with my life
I Need answers
I Am alive
I Want freedom
I Have hope
I Wish for peace
I Hate steak
I Fear darkness
I Hear rain on the roof
I Search for truth
I Wonder what's to come
I Regret nothing
I Love because Jesus loved
I Ache when I hurt others
I Always try to be myself
I Usually fail
I Am Not a liar
I Dance to free my soul
I Sing all the time
I Never hurt people intentionaly
I Rarely feel lonely
I Cry when I feel lonely
I Am Not Always what I seem to be
I Lose faith in humanity every day
I'm Confused about what I am doing with my life
I Need answers
1.05.2007
Holiday Break
This break from work has been AWESOME. I have made an effort to spend as much time as possible with my cousins, which I love. I was telling my mom today that I love my friends, I truly do, but my cousins are like my "soul mates". And not because they are better than my friends but because they are my constant. I can tell other people about my past, but my cousins where there for it.
I got really stressed out while trying to run a reality game for my family the weekend before New Years. It went from Friday evening to Sunday early evening. Though it was a ton of fun (and so rewarding to watch my family have so much fun) I think I am done running the Mole. Maybe I'll do the amazing race next year. Anyway, once that ended I felt like I could finally let go/let loose and have fun. So we did. New Years Eve was excellent. As it always is. My family always has a party and we play cards and bring in the new year laughing and joking and having fun, the way it should be. I think that whenever I do move to Spain I would still have to fly home for the week of Christmas and New Years. I would miss it too much.
And that's all I have to say about that. It's hard to explain why I have been having so much fun. Maybe it's because I haven't had to coach basketball, work on MOLE stuff, spend all day with sixth graders, work as a waitress on the weekends, and on top of that try to be a good daughter, friend, and girlfriend AND try to follow Christ through it all. Not that I don't like keeping busy, but I often overdo it and forget my real priorities. Anyway, maybe this year I will be better. Who knows...
I got really stressed out while trying to run a reality game for my family the weekend before New Years. It went from Friday evening to Sunday early evening. Though it was a ton of fun (and so rewarding to watch my family have so much fun) I think I am done running the Mole. Maybe I'll do the amazing race next year. Anyway, once that ended I felt like I could finally let go/let loose and have fun. So we did. New Years Eve was excellent. As it always is. My family always has a party and we play cards and bring in the new year laughing and joking and having fun, the way it should be. I think that whenever I do move to Spain I would still have to fly home for the week of Christmas and New Years. I would miss it too much.
And that's all I have to say about that. It's hard to explain why I have been having so much fun. Maybe it's because I haven't had to coach basketball, work on MOLE stuff, spend all day with sixth graders, work as a waitress on the weekends, and on top of that try to be a good daughter, friend, and girlfriend AND try to follow Christ through it all. Not that I don't like keeping busy, but I often overdo it and forget my real priorities. Anyway, maybe this year I will be better. Who knows...
1.03.2007
I'm here again...
This break from work has been exactly what I needed. I feel like I have been able to get my life back in order and breath again. I feel like I have been able to reconnect with God again. I feel like myself again.
Though I always knew this, I am really figuring out how much of my identity gets based off of who I am in my family. I am a LaMonaca and there is no denying that. I am a daughter, a sister, a niece, and (my favorite roll) a cousin. Everything I know about being a friend was developed through these rolls first. So, when my brother goes back home and my cousins go back to school and my aunts and uncles stop inviting me over... I forget who I am.
My New Years resolution -- figure out who I am as a daughter of Christ. As Christ's bride. As Christ's sister.
I feel like I come to this point over and over again where I realize a case of missing identity. At least once a year I need to come back here and say "who am I in your eyes, Lord?" So, now I am on an adventure to figure that out.
I'll write about my Christmas and New Years tomorrow.
Though I always knew this, I am really figuring out how much of my identity gets based off of who I am in my family. I am a LaMonaca and there is no denying that. I am a daughter, a sister, a niece, and (my favorite roll) a cousin. Everything I know about being a friend was developed through these rolls first. So, when my brother goes back home and my cousins go back to school and my aunts and uncles stop inviting me over... I forget who I am.
My New Years resolution -- figure out who I am as a daughter of Christ. As Christ's bride. As Christ's sister.
I feel like I come to this point over and over again where I realize a case of missing identity. At least once a year I need to come back here and say "who am I in your eyes, Lord?" So, now I am on an adventure to figure that out.
I'll write about my Christmas and New Years tomorrow.
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