Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference...

Are you ready?

OK--After I wrote my last blog entry God kind of kicked me in the booty! I have so much to be thankfull for.

First of all, I may be in pain, but it could be so much worse. I could have died. Last week in one of my Bible studies we talked about "are you ready?" Are you ready to leave this earth? I said sure! Why not? I can't wait to be with my father! God kind of laughs at me now. I'm not nearly ready enough. And instead of taking all this free time that I have to just be in God's glory, I wallow in my self-pity.

Well, I am done wallowing.

That's it, that's my story. Now I need to go lay back down...

My sad existence

I am actually quite depressed right now. No one wants to hang out with someone who cannot do anything but lay on the couch. For goodness sake I can't even get my own water. I hate it. I hate depending on people. I hate being in pain...

The pain along my abdomen is not getting any better. I have been loading up on vicadin but it doesn't seem to be getting any better. It's not really the pain that is bothering me anymore. Now it is just the lonliness. My housemates work during the day so I just lay here by myself all day long. Ari is really good to me, but he works a ton as well. The only other person who has actually come to spend time with me is Ann -- my one friend who is already incredibly stressed out and overwhelmed with her life as it is. And I am not complaining about my friends, I know they all have crazy lifes. I am just really sick of being alone... at least I have Everette, Irwin, Pete, and Kincaid to keep me company (the characters in my favorite book).

And now that I have been sitting up for fifteen minutes I seem to be in pain.

Peace out y'all.

My life is so dumb

Well, there isn't much else to do with my life right now... SO.....

The ABC’s of Mon

A - Age of your first kiss: 14
B - Band you are listening to right now: the rent soundtrack
C – Crush: how old am i?
D – Dad’s name: Billy
E – Easiest person to talk to: Ann Milauskas
F – Favorite Ice Cream: vanilla bean
G – Gummy worms or gummy bears: worms
H – Hometown: west chicago
I – Instruments: guitar
J – Junior High: Benjamin (I was a Bengal!)
K – Kids: don't have any
L – Longest car ride ever: the car ride home from Florida with mom, dad, christopher, joe and me and I had to sit in between chris and joe... ugh
M – Mom’s name: Patty
N - Nicknames: Mon, Mony, Grace
O – One wish: i know this is cheesy, but peace on earth... seriously
P – Phobia [s]: heights
Q– Quote: do not worry for tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself; each day is sufficient for it's own.
R – Reason to smile: Jesus
S – Song you sang last: 1,000 sweet kisses (from rent)
T – Time you woke up: 7:00am I can't sleep in! I hate it!
U – Unknown fact about me: I don't have it as together as people thing
V – Vegetable[s] you hate: CORN!!
W – Worst Habit: cracking my knuckles
X – X-rays you’ve had: ankle, knee, back, wrist, CAT scans on my stomach, back, head, kneck, MRIs on my back and knee
Y – Years since you’ve been to church: uh... I was at church two Sundays ago (last Sunday I was sick)
Z – Zodiac sign: taurus

Now I need to go back and lay down. I will get up to type up another health update a little later today.

Health Update

I called the hospital yesterday to find out what my test results where. They told me if someone doesn't call, then everything is fine. So, I went to bed feeling good. At 9:00 this morning I got a phone call from the doctor he treated me in the ER. He said that the blood in my urine was coming from my kidneys. But as long as I haven't seen any more blood and as long as I continue to not see any blood, I will be fine. If there are any changes I need to get back into the ER immediately. Other than that, my body had been shaken around too much and something is bound to be abnormal for a couple days (those where his words). I think I can handle that. I asked him about the pain I have been in the last two days (which has been an immense amount of pain), he told me that I had some internal bruising and it is just going to hurt for a couple days. I need to stay laying down for the majority of the day, continue to not be active, and drink lots of water. Great. Another day of this and I may just go insane.

Anyway, I am okay and that is all that matters.

a little reflection

Well, it has finally hit me... no pun intended. I was in a car accident. My car flipped over. Woah.

So here's the deal. Having a near-death experience can change someone's life. Esspecially thinking about the fact that this was my first near death experience that was completely my fault. I almost killed myself (or at least almost seriously injured myself).

I am lying on my couch in the same spot that I have been in since 8:00 this morning (with the exception of getting up to go to the bathroom and getting up to get more water). I can't watch the tv because if I turn my neck it hurts too much, but I can hear one of my favorite movies playing (Dead Poets Society). The lap top is on my lap and the strain in my neck from lifting it up to see the screen is starting to travel down my spine. I have taken a vicadin which seems to be doing nothing. And as I type this I noticed my hospital bracelet is still on. My hospital bracelet... There is a bruise from where they took blood and a bruise from where my IV was. So unreal.

Now that I am done complaining, let me tell you what I did with my time on this couch. First of all, God suprises me in ways I can never comprehend. I have been praying a lot lately for some time to just settle down and relax and just be. Well, I got it. I have been praying lately that my world would be shaken and that God would strip me so that I had nothing left to focus on but Him. Well, I am shaken. I have been praying lately that I would be able to just get some good alone time with God and learn to have/keep my priorities straight. Well, I had all day today to be alone with God. Thankfully I was able to pull my Bible out of the wreckage yesterday. God humbled me today. He also reminded me, yet again, that I need to be careful what I pray for.

I have also had a chance to read my all time favorite book The Brother's K by David James Duncan. This book is excellent. Throughout the entire book it keeps my attention - it has me smiling, crying and laughing. So I guess I haven't been too lonely here. I have had Everette and Peter and Irwin and Kincaid to keep me company.

From the time I started this blog entry to now, the vicadin seems to be working. Well, not taking away all of the pain, but I feel more upbeat. I feel able to carry on a conversation--which is a huge step from the rest of the day.

This morning, for the first time since the accident, I cried. It was the first time I was actually alone since the accident and I think it has finally sunk in. My car is totalled. It's gone. The car that I learned how to drive on. The car that has been mine since I turned sixteen. Gone. Because of me. I killed my car. I got into a car accident. It was one of those accidents that if I had been driving by and saw the car upsidedown, my heart would have sped up incredibly and I would have had to catch my breath. Then I would have checked the newspapers the next day to see if there were any deaths...

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, God protected me and still managed to give me the things I ask for and still never ceases to suprise me. I guess my life has finally settled down.

Still no news from the hospital. They said they would call either today or tomorrow, so I guess I probably won't hear from them until tomorrow.

A conversation Ann and I just had:
(while talking about a mental hospital nearby)
Ann -"can I go?"
Me - "where? home?"
"no. to the hospital"
"sure, want me to drive you?"
short pause
"no"
longer pause
"you don't have a car..."
we both make frowning faces.

not as okay as i thought

Yesterday after the whole ordeal (if you are wondering what ordeal... read the post before this one) I thought I was fine. Well, it turned out I was not so fine. At 9:00 last night, Ari ended up taking me to the hospital because I had been getting some pain in my abdomin and it just kept getting worse and worse as the night had gone on. It wasn't severe pain or anything, I just wanted to check it out to be safe.

They ran some tests-- CAT scan, blood tests, urine test. It all came pack okay, except for one. There was a little trace of blood in my urine, which could mean a number of things. It could just be nothing. Sometimes women just have small traces of blood in their urine. It could be damage to my kidneys or liver that the CAT scan couldn't pick up on right away. He mentioned some other things, but I was still hung up on the sentence "we found some blood in your urine." They sent the urine off to be tested some more and they will get back to me.

So far things seemed to be okay, I am just in a lot of pain today. My stomach pains have gotten worse than they were last night. My back and neck are stiff and killing me. I have a headache. My knee hurts. It feels kind of like I was in a car accident where my car flipped over... oh wait...

ALIAS saved my life

I have had a lot of moments in my life where I have thought "wow, I could have died right then." Today I experienced the second scariest thing I have ever experienced in my life (don't ask me what the first is).

I got into a car accident today. For those of you who know the area, I was at North Ave and Morton Rd. For those of you who don't know the area, going north on Morton rd I have to cross three lanes of traffic going east bound and then yield in the middle and then cross three lanes of traffic going west bound. There are no traffic lights. My mom HATES this intersection, but it is the fastest way to get to my parent's house. Today I thought about going the "long" way, but I was on lunch break for jury duty and just wanted to get to my parents house so I could eat lunch with Mom.

I was sitting in the middle of North Ave. waiting to cross over and there was a break in the cars so I hit my gas. As soon as I hit the gas I saw a small black car appear behind an SUV that had been turning. Apparently, all the cars hadn't passed yet. I tried to get out of the way of the car and all of it could have been avoided if the driver had actually hit her brakes or turned the wheel even a little bit (or if she hadn't been speeding, but that's another story)-- but she didn't do any of that. I watched the car hit me and the next thing I felt was my car lifting off the ground. My car landed on it's side (the driver's side) and then flipped onto the hood. It all happened in slow motion (esspecially the flipping of the car).

When my car flipped I miraculously did NOT move at all. My body was strapped in securely by my seatbelt. My head never touched the winshield or the roof of my car. My body never touched the stering wheel. My legs never hit the dashboard.

My first instinct was that I had to get out of the car. In every movie or TV show that I have seen a car flip over it always catches on fire. So all I could think was, "Get out before you burn to death!" I was still stuck behind my seatbelt so I reached to unhook it. It was stuck--the very thing that saved my life had now become my worst enemy.

At this point, I went into ALIAS mode. I (don't laugh) asked myself, "What would Sydney Bristow do?" I remembered an episode where she was in a flipped car and she had to push herself up in order to release pressure on the belt. So I used one arm to push myself up as hard as I could and used the other to unlatch the belt. It worked! I fell and made contact with my car for the first time.

My next feat was getting out. The passenger side window has shattered, but there was not enough room to get out. The driver side window was okay. I tried to kick the window out - I kicked once and then thought maybe I should try rolling it down first. So I hit the button and it rolled down (thank goodness). I immediately crawled out the window.

The whole thing was surreal. I got out of the car and walked five or six steps away and then turned around and looked at the sight. My back tires were still spinning, glass was shattered everywhere, and a guy was on his cell phone yelling "is anybody hurt?" I couldn't answer him, I just stared. Finally, he ran over to me and I mustered out a "no" and then realized that two cars were involved in the accident.

I ran over to the woman who had been driving. She was out of her car, shaking and crying. There was very little damage to the front of her car (don't ask me how that happened). I asked her if she was okay and she just walked away from me. Meanwhile, a tow truck who had seen the car flipped, pulled over and blocked traffic for a while. He made me sit in his truck even though I didn't want to sit down. He let me use his phone to call mom. Here's how the conversation went:

"Hey mom, uh, I got into a car accident. I'm OK! I'll be home in a little bit. Don't worry. I'm fine."
"Where are you?"
"I gotta go mom, the police are here. I'll be home soon, the police officer will give me a ride. Don't worry."
*click*

I then called Ari:
"uh, so, I got into a car accident. My car is totalled but I am fine. I just wanted to let you know. I will call you later!"

By this time the ambulence was there and wanting to check me out. They took my vitals, listened to my lungs, asked me if I had any pain...

I was fine. I walked away from the accident without a scratch on me.

I am the luckiest "son of a gun" that I know. I've had a good four hours to reflect on it all and listen to all of this...
I wore my glasses for the first time today in weeks. When I crawled out of the car there were shards of glass everywhere, especially on my face. My glasses were covered in pieces of glass that would have otherwise been in my eyes.

There are a lot of things on top of everything else that I could talk about but Ari just got here and I am going to spend time with him.

One more thing - maybe it wasn't ALIAS that saved my life. The police officer who filed the report said something along the lines of, "Someone must be on your side..." I think she was right.

I'm being vulnerable now...

Two Names You Go By
1. Mon
2. Monaca

Two Things That Scare You
1. Guys
2. The dark

Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Prayer
2. Deep conversations

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. My epilepsy bracelet
2. My favorite jeans

Two Things You want in a relationship
1. Honesty
2. Communication

Two Truths
1. God is love
2. Jesus saves

Two Self-Truths
1. The idea that I have it all together is a complete act
2. I am really scared of getting hurt in friendships

Two things You hate:
1. Gossip
2. Lies

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You
1. Warming/welcoming smile
2. Athletic looking

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Riding my bike
2. Learning about people

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. To be a social worker
2. Free time

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. I want to go to Florida and swim with the dolphins
2. Ireland
3. I want to LIVE in Spain (does that count?)

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Write a book
2. Learn sign language fluently

Two Ways that you are Stereotypically a Girl
1. I like boys
2. I worry about my weight

I promise -- one day I will actually write something of substance... just give me some time to get my life back together.

Memories: take two

Memories from freshman year at Calvin...

Memory One: MALARI'S HEAD
I don't think I will ever forget this... A buanch of people were hanging out in the basement of our dorm and Malari was being her crazy self--walking about on the tables. She out of no where decides she wants to jump off the table, forgetting that the ceiling comes down lower at one point in the basement. She leaps gracefully and smashes her head on a corner of the ceiling and falls to the ground. She gets up laughing and saying "I'm okay guys" but that didn't stop the blood from gushing out of the hole in her head! She was taken to the hospital and had three staples put in her head. I slept in her room that night with my phone alarm ringing every two hours to make sure she didn't have a concusion. Fun times.

Memory Two: FAKE BAKED
My freshman year roommate, Heather, was awesome. We had a lot of fun together--although we were VERY different people. Once a week she would go tanning and get her eyebrows waxed. She was always encouraging me to go with her so finally one day I thought, "what they hey... I'll go" so I went. We got our eyebrows waxed and that was fun. Then we went tanning. I stayed in the booth for seven minutes. Seven minutes is all it took for me to get severe burns. I slept naked for the next week and only put on clothes to go to class -- otherwise I was wrapped up in a blanket. I remember running down the hallway to Kay's room wrapped in my blanket (and nothing else) because Kay was the only one around to put Aloe on me, which needed to be applied every fifteen minutes. Yes, the aloe that I made Andrew make a midnight run to Meijer for...

Memory Three: A COLD SLUMBER
Heather, my roomie, would go home every weekend so I was pretty lonely on weekends. I would often sleep in Malari and Jackie's room on their futon! One night Jaclyn and I are sleeping on the futon and Mal was in her bed and we were talking about nothing in particular. When out of nowhere Mal decides to throw her nalgene water bottle onto us. Jackie got most of the water -- but I was so shocked I didn't really know what to do. We spent the next half hour laughing

QUOTES

I was thinking about Spain today and I remembered some hillarious quotes from my time there, so I thought I would share them with you...

1- I don't understand how you think people don't understand what's going through your head, you say everything you are thinking - Troy to Monaca

2- There's even salami on the wall! - Troy

3- Why don't we have any salad? - Troy, Heather and I had said that at some point.

4- Heather (talking about her theory on what happened in a movie) - "I did research to back up my thesis"
Troy - "did she just say thesis?"

5- Mon - "I'll help you get revenge"
Teresa - "I bet you would. You're evil."

Memories: take one

A friend from Calvin, Andrea, made some comment on her xanga about how I would be proud of her because she did some stuff that bordered on our ALIAS adventures... now I feel the need to write about some of my favorite memories from Calvin. Most of my favorite memories occured during interim second semester... after everyone found out I was not coming back for second semester.Anyway, I thought it would be fun to write on my favorite memories from major periods in my life... first off: CALVIN MEMORIES!

Memory One: ALIAS ADVENTURES
Andrea and I would run down the hall with our hands clasped together like guns and shoot at each other. This game got fun when we would hide behind any wall that stuck out even just a little bit. We would do somersaults across the hall into people's rooms (who would in return laugh at us). One of my favorite parts was when we got to the annex. The annex was at the end of the hall - you would turn right, go down three or four steps, turn left and there was more hallway with about six rooms. I would run down the hall - leap over the stairs and land into a somersault and end up by the doorway to the stairs. It was one of the coolest moments of my life. Almost as cool as when I would get into my bed pretending I was Sydney Bristow getting shot at...

Memory Two: MATTRESSES IN THE HALLWAY
One day Ben and Amy and I were wandering down the hall looking for something to do. We noticed that someone on third had put a mattress in the hall... random but no biggie. We went downstairs to first and noticed ANOTHER mattress in the hall. This was when the wheels in my head began turning a little too fast. So, my brilliant idea was to bring this mattress upstairs and put the two mattresses across the hall from each other and bounce back and forth. This was all good and fun but not enough for our twisted minds. Eventually someone came up with the idea (I think it was Ben!) to run at each other holding the two mattresses. The first time, it was hillarious! The second time... well, let's just say Ben got to know the wall in a way he never wanted. I have a tape of it on my computer -- you can actually hear a cracking noise at the moment Ben's head WHAMS into the wall... Brilliant idea.

Memory Three: TEAM MONJAMIN
My good friend Ben (benjamin houseward) and I combined forces and created team monjamin! Together, we were unbeatable. We would help each other out during our many Mario Kart battles against others... actually, pretty much any endeavor we tried - the two of us were a team. One weekend we had a floor date- my floor and Ben's floor went bowling together. Ben and I bought a box of Krispy Kreme donuts to give away to whatever team won. They had to pick partners but they had to be guy/girl partners. Of course, team Monjamin was united again. Not only did we win this challenge -- we kicked some MAJOR booty! We won by some 150 points or something like that. It was pretty awesome. Don't worry - we are good people! We gave the donuts away.

There are so many more memories that I cannot even begin to explain -- snowball fights, playing in the rain, smokers pit stops, slumber parties, tent building, good talks, and so much more! but I would need a whole book to write on all of that... so I will end with just three.

"find the card that fits your life"

I found this in an advertisement for American Express so I am stealing it and filling it out for myself.

My name: Monaca Marie
childhood ambition: going to the olympics
fondest memory: sitting on my papa's lap while watching the rain/lightning storm
soundtrack: bon jovi
retreat: florida
wildest dream: living in Spain
proudest moment: i know this is sad... but getting an A in Chemistry... i have my reasons
biggest challenge: becoming the person God has created me to be
alarm clock: the most annoying ring on my phone
perfect day: I would be in Spain and I would be able to spend quality time with all of my family, my closest friends, and Ari all in the same day.
first job: babysitter
indulgence: food... isnt that sad?
last purchase: Ari's christmas present
favorite movie: shawshank redemption
inspiration: my friends
My life: is crazy and yet so fun
My card: is mastercard!!
the end

Actress...

I am realizing now that I didn't finish that part on who my favorite actress is, so here is my answer.

I was debating between Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock and I couldn't decide because I really like them both for different reasons. Then I thought about if they were put in a boxing ring together who would win... I think it would be a good fight but ultimately, Sandra Bullock would win. So... she is my favorite.

The Worst Feeling

Tonight I experienced one of the worst feelings I have experienced in a long time. Today was a really rough day for me. I am not entirely sure why... I think a lot of it has to do with how dry and empty I am feeling in every relationship I have right now; friends, family, God. I wanted to turn to someone and talk things out and when I finally realized why it was so hard for me to do that I felt so much worse. The only person in the world that I feel may have some insight for me or would be the best person to talk to about everything lives 4,208.2 miles away from me and there is a seven hour time difference between here and there. Which just makes me wanna cry.

The begining of fun, as I know it

A few weeks after meeting Ari I called him and asked him if he was interested in going fishing with Celeste and Kendra and me. Here is how the conversation that Friday went...

"Are you coming fishing with us tomorrow?"
"No, I can't I have to work."
"Oh come on, you bum! What time do you get off?"
"Six O'clock"
"Oh... well, that's no good. Can't you get out of it?"
"No, I can't but I'm not working Sunday or Monday; can we go then?" (Monday was Labor Day)
"Shoot! I'm going up to Michigan tomorrow night and not coming home until Monday."
"Oh...."
(akward silence)
"I mean, you can come if you want, but..."
"Okay."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah, sure, I'll come"
"Okay. Well, I'll be visiting my old school, so it may not be that interesting for you"
"That's cool. Unless you don't want me to come."
"No, you can come! It would be fun"

I immediately got off the phone and told Celeste she had to come with because if she didn't it would be the weird and incredibly akward. She agreed to come - thank goodness.

Well... that trip ended up being one of the most fun trips I have taken up to Michigan. The ride up felt completely normal. The first day was a bit akward--we hadn't arrived at Calvin until 4am, so the three of us were really tired. And I wanted to spend the day catching up with friends I hadn't seen since May. The next day, however, we went to the beach with a bunch of my Calvin friends. We had so much fun swimming in the freezing water, burying Ari in the sand. Then we left to drive home. On the way home we stopped in Holland, MI for some hotdogs (that we ended up not getting--long story). Then we stopped at a Dutch Farmer's Market and got some peaches and some green beans. Then we stopped at the Warren Dunes and climbed the dunes and went swimming again. While we were swimming we talked about making a list of all of the fun things we wanted to do:

Rent a boat at Lake Geneva and go skiing and tubing, go kayaking, go camping, go on a picnic, have a BBQ, go to millenium park, go to the shedd aquarium, go dancing/clubbing, take a ski trip,... the list goes on.

When we got home we actually wrote down a huge list of things we wanted to do. We agreed we would do one fun thing a weekend together. And we stuck to it through all of September and all of October. Then November came and Ari and Celeste and I have not done anything fun together on a weekend... unless you count Celeste's birthday party. Come to think of it, Ari and I haven't actually dont anything fun together since November hit. We did go see a play - but that was required for my acting class.

This weekend Ari and I actually did have fun together. A LOT of fun actually. Unfortunately, Celeste was not with us... even though she should have been!! I will write more about my awesome weekend tomorrow - I've had enough typing for one day.

Highlights of the Week

10- Finally catching up on sleep this week
9- Fulfilling my craving for chinese food... mmm crab rangoons
8- Hanging out with Kendra and Matthew at 9am
7- Listening to A Capella Christmas music
6- Going to the mall with Ari and the twins
5- Playing cards with Aunt Maryann, Aunt Lou, Uncle Tom, Celeste, and Ari
4- "Performing" a dance to It's Gonna Be Me by *NSYNC at the reception
3- Taking a shots with my mom and cousins
2- Finally getting to spend quality time with Ari
1- Seeing Christopher and Erika unite together as one

THE WEDDING

Well, my brother is now a married man...
The wedding was a great time! For more pics of the wedding click here... The Brown-Thomas wedding

I hope you enjoy them! (I stole some of them from my cousin, Erica, and my friend, Julie)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Lamonaca's reunite

Today is Wednesday and there was a mini cousins reunion.... we have yet for the five musketeers to be together, but we had a semi big dinner at the Walter's tonight. So, I have gotten to see Erica, Justin, Tommy, Anna, Danny, and Anthony. Not to mention my aunts and uncles. Anyway, Thursday (thanksgiving), I will get to see Nicki and Mike. Then Friday we will pretty much all be together again. Saturday for sure everyone will be together at the wedding! Plus (shhh dont tell), the five of us (Anna, Andrea, Justin, Tommy and I) are going to perform a little dance at the wedding!! haha. Hillarious.

I feel whole again when I am around my cousins.

Matthew says I need to post something so I am posting something.

SOMETHING

You know what's interesting about assassination.... did you ever stop to think about the people we kill? It's always those who tell us to live together harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Malcom X, John Lennon. They all said live together in harmony... BAM! Right in the head. Apparently we aren't ready for that yet.
- George Carlin

Monaca needs...

I stole this from Julie Clawson's blog (ps- to see really cute pics of Emma, check out Mike's blog):

So there is this blogger game I saw recently. You google your name followed by "needs" and post what comes up. I changed Monaca to Monica since nothing came up as Monaca... but its surprising (and hilarious) what the internet thinks I need!

1- monaca needs a job
2- monaca needs another dress washed
3- monaca needs a communicative parent who is skilled at listening and probing for feelings
4- monaca needs a permanent family who will be involved in her therapy
5- monaca needs to go to work for a rest
6- monaca needs special mention
7- monaca needs the gift of love to help steer her in the right direction
8- monaca needs to move in a new direction
9- monaca needs distraction
10- monaca needs a time out

wow -- those are weird...

I'm Pathetic!

Today I came to the sad realization that I am really not funny.

I think I have always known this, but secretly never wanted to believe it. I find a lot of things funny... so why shouldn't I be funny when I retell the stories.

For starters, I am a horrible story teller. Enough said. More than that, I have a unique sense of humor so the things that I find funny are usually pretty dumb to begin with and then I ruin them even more with my horrible story telling ability.

I'm getting better the longer I hang around Matthew... I've learned to say things like (when getting hit on the arm) "hey, thats my good arm, I need that for arming!" but then I quickly get in trouble when people hit my fingers... Or I've learned the great way to end a story "and then I found five dollars." -- twenty dollars if your story really needs a boost. I find myself often "finding" twenty dollars. If only it were true--I could have paid for my ticket to Spain by now.

So in conclusion, I am working on learning when to shut up (which is probably almost all the time) and I will just let my roommates be the funny ones.

Speaking of funny- I am starting a house quote board... and here is what is on it so far.

Josh tells a story and laughs...
Monaca: I don't get it
Josh: I didn't get it either.... but I laughed!

Gerry: What are you doing?
Josh: Tempting your girlfriend

Monaca: I ran into Dulce at the mall yesterday!
Gerry: Did anyone get hurt?

There are a couple more, but out of context they are x-rated and you are too young to read them.

Man, if you made it this far in my post -- you are a true friend! Because this is the most ridiculous post yet...

My life is sad...

Ariel

That's my boyfriend! :)

ODE TO CELESTE

Friday was my roommate's twenty-first birthday. Yup... the big 2-1. That means she can now legally consume alcohol and illegally supply minors with alcohol. It also means she can legally gamble. So now her and Ari have all these big plans to leave me at home and go to a casino and sit at the nickle machines while they bring her free drinks. That's the dream.

But that's not what is important, is it? What is important is that Celeste is one of my favorite people. I met her sometime in high school, but we didn't become friends until the summer going into my senior year when we went on a church retreat. We were put in the same street evangelizing group and instantly became friends. That whole retreat my new friends, Celeste and Kendra, and I had so much fun... getting on stage in front of three hundred people and performing a cheer that goes like this "form banana, form, form banana. peel banana, peel, peel banana. go! banana, go! go! banana" yeah... I knew I would be friends with these girls for a long time. Celeste and I have had one of those friendships where even though we were away from each other for a long time and didn't talk when I first went away to school--when I came home we just picked up where we left off. And our friendship has stayed strong. I find myself waiting for the times when it will be just the two of us in the house and we can have one of our long conversations about the most random things--but always about the important things in life. I can honestly say she is one of my favorite people. So, here is my ode to Celeste! Happy 21st Birthday, Friend!!

Ode to Celeste
Celeste, my friend
I will love you till the end
You are so great
You are one I will never hate
The End

And now, here are some pics from her birthday party!

Celeste and me hugging

Us dancing!

HAPPY BIRHDAY, CELESTE!
I LOVE YOU!

Cassandra Grace

Mom, Beth, Cassandra, Me, Anna, and Ang

I finally met my niece for the first time in the begining of October. So far, all I have gotten to see are pictures. Sad really. But I just got pictures back from when Beth, my sister-in-law and Cassandra, my niece, were in town. So I will share them with you...

Cassandra Grace Thomas (7months)

Cassandra and me at the Pumpkin Patch

Yeah, I gave her a beer bottle to play with... teaching her young....

And finally, is this not the cutest halloween costume you have ever seen?

She is definitely her father's child... although she has her mommy's eyes. If you want to see more pics of her throughout her eight months of life you can see how she's grown at http://thethomasfamily.photosite.com/CassandraGrowing

oh brotherly love

Compliment of the Week:
"I haven't been happy all week. Seriously, the first time all week that I was happy was in the last 48 hours and that's because I've been hanging out with you."
--Matthew

Insult of the Week:
"Sorry to totally cut you off but I'm cooler than you."
--Matthew

Newest poem

Hey guys, here's the newest poem I wrote for my poetry class.

Final Goodbyes
A searing pain
runs through my brain
leaving me paralyzed
I lay in bed
thoughts racing in my head
avoiding final goodbyes
I feel such a shame
from life's wasted game
with so much left unsaid
I can't comprehend
the way this will all end
her soul is already so dead
There was so much I hated
and so much wasn't appreciated
she had so much love to give
And as I watch her sleep
I can hear the monitors beep
as sickness takes her body captive
I start to yell
crying "why this awful hell?"
but I never get an answer
I scream to God "why?"
as her soul starts to fly
she's lost her body to cancer
--written 11/1/06

ha

IN YOUR FACE ALL YOUR PEOPLE WHO CALL ME WEIRD!

You Are 30% Weird

Not enough to scare other people... But sometimes you scare yourself.

How Weird Are You?

survey of the day

-Birth date: May 15

-Height: 5'6

-Eye color: hazelish brown

-Hair color: dark brown with some crazy red highlights (all natural of course)

-What does your name mean: couselor

-High school graduation year: 2003

-Favorite relatives: the cousins

-Summer memories: every memory from spain, going to lake geneva, almost winning survivor, running the mole

-Favorite TV shows: alias, judging amy

-What's on your mousepad: i always used paper

-In the car- ac or windows: apparently my ac doesn't work... not that it matters, i always have the windows down anyway

-Do you believe in yourself: it used to be hard to, but i try

-Favorite game: i can't answer this question...

-Favorite drink: water (although all week i have been craving orange juice)

-Favorite food: i like food way to much to have a favorite

-Favorite colors: blue and purple

-Favorite cigarettes: dont have a favorite

-Favorite sounds: children laughing, my friends laughing, rain on the ground,

-Favorite smell: homemade cooking, rain, cookies baking in the oven
-Favorite thing to do on a weekend: relax (not that i ever do) and spend time with friends, family, and God

-Favorite soundtrack: hrm... chicago

-Where do you see yourself in 10 years: i dont know - done with school... maybe in the missions field or something?

-First thought in the morning: not yet!

-Do you get motion sickness: rarely

Rollercoasters- deadly or exciting: exciting because they are deadly!

-How many rings before you answer the phone: depends on where my phone is... when andrea calls me i usually let it ring a little longer cause i like her ring... and wendy, brad, and ann -- their ring is thriller!

-Are you a good friend: i try to be but i'm not really sure how successful i have been

-Chocolate or Vanilla cake: if i actually eat it-vanilla

-What do you drive: my 91 buick regal!

-Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: i used to up until two weeks ago...

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-Thunderstorms cool or scary: very cool

-If you could meet one person in the World, who would it
be: Mary the mother of Jesus


-What is your zodiac sign: taurus

-What do you wear to bed: am i alone? tank tops and underwear

-Do you eat stems of broccoli: yes

-If a girl ever asked you for the shirt on your back,
would you give it to her? uh... no

-If you could have any occupation when you get older, what
would it be: social worker

-If you could dye your hair one color, what would it be: i like my hair color

-If you could have a tattoo, what and where would it be: i already have a tattoo

-Favorite brand of gum: anything but winterfresh

-What is your favorite quote: uh... "she laughs at my dreams but i dream about her laughter" its from a song

-Have you ever been in love: who wants to know?

-What's on your walls in your room: a collage of pics and cards and stuff from friends and christmas lights, kendra's parrot picture, and so on

-Is the glass half-empty or half-full: depends on what i am drinking

-Which do you prefer- Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Doritos: cool ranch

-Favorite flavor Snapple: i dont drink that crap

-Which one, Coke or Pepsi: pepsi

-Which kind of milk is your favorite: 2%

-If you were to kill someone, which method would you use? celeste tells me the perfect way to kill someone is stabbing them with an icicle so then the weapon would melt -- i think i would just tie them to a railroad track, all evidence would be destroyed (goodbye fingerprints)

-Are you a righty, lefty, or ambidextrous: righty

-Do you type with your fingers on the right keys: yes i do

-When you meet a person of the opposite sex, you notice
their: how he presents himself then smile

-What's under your bed: well, i think ari finally took the shotgun that was under my bed for a bit... now i just have a bedsheet

-What's the best number in the World: pi

-What is your dream car: pontiac firebird

-Who is your biggest crush right now: Ari Leo

-Nickname: Mon and for some people Monny

-School: College of Dupage (aka college of dreams)

-Bacon Bits Or croutons: both

-Favorite Salad Dressing: it varies from week to week

-Do you Drink: i'm H2O intollerant

-What type of Shampoo/Conditioner: aussie

-Have you ever been skinny dipping: no

-Do you make fun of people: i try not to

-Have you ever been convicted of a crime: nope

-One pillow or two: none

-Pets: my fish vaughn that is still at the taylor's house.

-Favorite Movies: so many...

-Favorite type of music: i like it all (even some country)

-Hobbies: eating, sleeping, hanging with friends

-Word or Phrase you overuse: No No!

-Toothpaste: crest vanilla

-Piercing or tattoos: three holes in my ear lobes two in my left cartilage and a tattoo

-Favorite beer: corona

-Favorite song at the moment: insomniac by ???

-Most humiliating moment: when the first time i brought ari to my parents' house my brother asked (in front of a lot of people)"so you're the one sleeping with my sister?" (long story behind it... dont worry it's innocent)

-Favorite Holiday: new years eve - the family always has a great party!

now cut and copy this and post it in ur blog, if u dont have a blog then make it into a t-shirt and wear it to starbucks on wednesdays after 4pm.

YAY

This is where I spent my summer but more importantly where Ari, Celeste and I will be visiting April 10-20, 2006!!!
Click here to check it out

Number Eighteen

The other day night I was getting ready for my bed as my housemate, Matthew, was downstairs on my laptop. I heard him saying little things like "ooohhh mike lombardo!" which made me know he was reading my blog. He kept making little comments and by the time I had gone down there to pick a fight he said, "Number eighteen is my favorite!"
So I read number eighteen -- Even though I always talk about how I never want kids – secretly, the older I get the more I know I want to be a mom some day.
"Why do you like that one?" I ask.
"Because I think you will make a great mom some day," says Matthew.

That was one of the best compliments I have ever gotten in my life. He doesn't know this, but one of the reasons I never wanted to have kids was because I am terrified I will be a bad mom and I don't want to screw up some poor kids life because they had me for a mother. That would be so sad. So, to hear Matthew say that made meant a lot to me and I thought I would share it with you.

Thanks Matthew!

Just to clear things up

Okay Okay - It's not that I do not like ALIAS anymore. It is that I don't really watch the fifth season and if it werent for me having to tape it for a friend - I would probably not even think twice about watching it. I still love seasons 1-4.... so don't be too dissapointed in me!!

Confessions

There is a girl that I have never met, but I feel like I know her well. When I was in Spain all I heard about all the time was Kelly Wills this and Kelly Wills that. Occasionally I would even get jealous (in a “gee-I-wish-people-talked-that-highly-about-me” kind of jealous). Anyway, occasionally I still read her blog, which I love because she always has me laughing. Anyway, I stole this idea from her blog (which she apparently stole from her roommate). So here are twenty random facts about me that nobody else knows. I feel like they are more confessions that facts… hrm... here are my confession:

1- Not only did I own a spice girls cd for years, I still sometimes enjoy their songs

2- When I was a kid I would dream about going to the Olympics and winning a gold medal. I would even act out how I would react when I won.

3- When we were kids I always felt like I shouldn’t get along with my brothers, so I would call Christopher dumbo (his ears were huge!) and annoy Mike because I didn’t know how else to tell them I loved them.

4- When my brother, Christopher, and I emptied the dishes in our house we would fight over who would empty the top rack and who emptied the bottom because neither of us likes the feeling of glass on our fingers.

5- I once stuck a knife in a toaster and didn’t have feeling in my left hand for days, but I was too afraid my parents would be mad so I never told them.

6- I have never been skinny dipping.

7- My first kiss was in kindergarten with my neighbor – Mike Lombardo.

8- My first real kiss was when I was fourteen with my best friend’s cousin (who’s name was also Mike).

9- I have a very visual mind, so whenever people tell stories I am actually visualizing everything they are saying. That explains why phrases like “bust a gut” make me laugh so hard.

10- I used to manipulate the security guards at my high school – I would talk to them and become friends with them and then when I wanted to get away with stuff I always did because they didn’t believe that I could/would do anything wrong.

11- When I talk to people on instant messenger I actually laugh out loud when I am by myself (and when people are around).

12- Christopher likes to tell a story about how he chased me around the house with a rope tied around me and then told me to go upstairs and how once I got up there he picked up the rope and pulled me down. I always act like I think he is really mean for doing that too me but deep down I think he was clever and wish I had come up with that idea.

13- My favorite childhood cartoon was Carebears. I still get REALLY excited when I see them.

14- When I was sixteen, I got into a minor care accident. Since I didn’t get a ticket and it didn’t go on my record I just tell people it wasn’t my fault. In reality, it probably was.

15- I used to be addicted to watching ALIAS (The tv show). I don’t really like it anymore, but since I got so many other people addicted to watching it, I feel like I still have to.

16- My brother’s favorite game is boggle – I don’t really like it that much but I tell everyone I love it because I feel like it gives me another way to connect to him.

17- Sometimes I make up excuses to go over to my parents house because I don’t want to admit that I actually enjoy just visiting with them (emphasis on sometimes).

18- Even though I always talk about how I never want kids – secretly, the older I get the more I know I want to be a mom some day.

19- When my brother and I fought over doing the dishes we would always end up taking big, sharp knives out and chasing each other around the house.

20- Chicken is the only meat I eat. I have never told anyone that I don’t actually like chicken either. It is just easier to say, “sure I eat chicken” then, “I hate all meat, including chicken. Oh yeah, and I don’t eat fish.” No one would ever invite me over for meals.

I'm excited

Rob Bell, the pastor at my former church in Grand Rapids, Michicgan (Mars hill Bible Church) is coming to the Borders in Danada this Thursday at 7:30 to show his newest Nooma video and talk about his book Velvet Elvis. You should all go!

Retraction

just so everyone knows -- it was not Heather who would fall off the curbs during our walks... it was me. Heather would always talk about how she wanted to bring a video camera on our walks because at least once a walk (usually more often) I would do something absolutely ridiculous. Yes, yes... I know most of you are not surprised. Most of my humor comes from the stupid things I do...

Top Ten Highlights of the Week

10-Long conversations with Andrea

9-Winning a free mcflurry at mcdonalds

8-My best friend turned 21

7-Finally being able to call Ari my boyfriend and not have it be weird

6-Playing volleyball at college group

5-Late night humor with Matthew

4-Getting to see Ann

3-Getting a rose

2-Going into the city with Matthew and Ari

1-Running through the sprinklers at Buger King with Ari

4,208.2 miles aways

Today I was really missing my friends. I heard someone make a really cheesy pun and all I could think was "that was a Troy joke" and I wanted it to be Troy who actually made the joke and I wanted Heather to be here with me so we could roll our eyes together and I can tease her and say "Hey, you're the one who married him..." Alas, my friends are thousands of miles away. I found out today that the distance between Glen Ellyn, IL and Madrid (Barajas) is 4,208.2 miles. That is so far away.

So I dedicate this post to my dear friends who are 4,208.2 miles away from me... here are just some of the things I miss...
-Hearing Heather yelling at Lexi over and over again only to have it end with "Troy, come yell at the dog"
-Troy's ridiculous puns that I could not help but laugh at
-Heather's and my daily walks (I think Heather was the one who would trip on the curb all the time... it was hillarious)
-Troy's and my commercial-- Jam-off: whenever you're in a jam, get the jam.
-Just a quote to add to the above-- "there's even salami on the wall!"
-Cafe con helado every Tuesday with Heather
-Sausage man (I'll leave it at that)
-Great conversations with Heather on our way to pick up the kids from school
-Great conversations with Troy on our way to community group every Monday
-Swimming at the pool with Meg and Nic
-Listening to music in the mornings while eating my toast and drinking my coffee (I usually had the orange cup!)
-Watching movies almost every night
-Trying to get that darn tv to stay on
-Talking on instant messenger with Heather while she sat in the same room as me
-Watching Tom and Gerry with the kids
-Heather's homemade pizza
-The way Nic would copy everything his dad would do
-The way Meg would asks her questions in a brittish way (so adorable)
-Meg's sly ways
-Nic's laughter
-Candyland and freeze tag
-My square meals that Troy was so afraid I wasn't getting
-And so much more

Walking through fire

Last night I was feeling really depressed. It just seemed like it was one thing after another. I was babysitting all day but ended up being the worst babysitter ever. I had a migrane that had been with me from the day before. On top of the pain in my head, my back AND knee were both flaring up and in pain (don't know why). Then I just started getting really down on myself. I saw someone I definitely did not want to be seeing (for those of you who would understand, his name is Ryan). Then I came back home to my house hoping to find some solace--instead I found hurt. One of my roommates is so upset with me she refuses to talk to me. The hardest thing about it is that it is all a misunderstanding but she won't hear me out. So now, I am left feeling like crap. There were a bunch of other little things that just had me flustered, but I won't go into those details right now because those things are not the point of this post.

So after my long, exhausting day, I went to a park near my house. One of my favorite parks. I find myself coming here when I just need an escape from the world. So I went to this park and sat at a bench near the lake, facing the sunset. I brought my Bible and read a bunch of different things. First I opened up to Nehemia - the book my community group studied while I was in Spain. I opened up to the part where it talked about the rebuilding of the wall and I remembered all the conversations we had as a community group about restoration of hope. Hope, something we all lose at some time but if we are faithful God will restore it in us. "Restore a hope in me" I prayed and He restored hope in me last night.

Then I opened up to Matthew were we are told that we are not to worry. How can we add a minute to our life by worrying? If God takes care of the sparrows (who are just animals) then how much more will he take care of us whom he loves. Thus we should not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Hmm 'nuff said.

These are all great things, but the thing that I really want to tell you about is what happened next. I looked up for a while and stared at the sky and the beauty of the sunset reflecting off the water. I remember thinking something along the lines of "wow, the sunset looks like a fire... oh, to walk through a fire right now--even that would be better than this," and I started to cry. I felt so lost, so alone. Then I was I spoke outloud to my Father and said "okay, God, I know you are here. Tell me what you want me to hear." Then I open my Bible up to Isaiah 43 and the first thing I read is "When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, the flames will not consume you"
So I kept reading these lines over and over again--

Thus says the Lord he who created you, he who formed you; fear not for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, the flames will not consume you.

Wow.

The above verse reminds me of my favorite psalm--psalm 139.

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me...
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me...
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made...

Isn't that an amazing fact we should all be reminding ourselves of daily?

My life in a nutshell

(HELP I'M IN A NUTSHELL AND I CAN'T GET OUT!)

Well- sorry. I have been missing in action for the last three or four weeks. My life has been a crazy whirlwind of events and I just have not figured out how to find time to do anything.

My classes have been wonderful but a lot of work. Every time I start up a new semester, I forget how much work actually has to be put into my classes in order to do well. But I am doing well and loving it.

Babysitting has also been quite the adventure. I love these boys. They really keep me going throughout my week. They remind me what it means to just love without condition and trust without questions. In other words to have "faith like a child." I am reminded why Jesus loved the children so much. Plus... (breaking out into song) "I believe the children are our future..." haha.

Some more news that may shock a bunch of people and may not surprise the rest. I officially have a boyfriend. That is kind of crazy to say. Kind of fun too. So this amazing guy's name is Ari and he is pretty much one of the greatest things that has happened to me. I am sure there will be more on that another time.

I also got to meet my niece for the first time. She is six months old and my sister-in-law flew in from Arizona last week with Cassandra Grace. That was pretty great. She is beautiful (and definitely a Thomas baby, which I love). She looks so much like my brother. I can't believe my brother is a daddy. We are all getting so old.
More than ever these last couple weeks I have been feeling the love of my family. I am quite possibly one of the luckiest people in the world. Every day I come home and have at least five emails from my cousins (although lately it's been more like 20-30 emails a day-no exaggeration). My family is incredibly unique and I feel more blessed than ever to be a part of it. Despite the fact that they have caused me to become deaf (because they are so stinking loud) and they can some times be a real pain in the rear... I love 'em.

And so, there is my life.

My goal now is to keep posting regularly again. I hope I can stick to it.

Together

Here is poem four.

Together

layer by layer
you unwrap me
with your soft eyes
and gentle smile

I long to know you more.

one by one
you remove my masks
making me feel naked
and vulnerable

I ache to be in your arms.

you held me close yesterday
and I couldn't catch my breath
you whispered in my ear
and I felt my heart racing

I yearn to touch your face.

I want to love you
and wrap my body in yours
and ride away into the sunset
knowing that only one thing is right

You and me.
Together.
-Written 10/1/05

New Poem

Oh man, my life is crazy. Anyway, here is poem three for my poetry class. The assignment was to draw a picture using water colors and then from that pictures write a poem. So, I drew a picture of a beach and this is the poem I created.

My Favorite Beach

I remember how it made me feel
every time I'd watch the sunset
my cares would evaporate with the colors

When I was growing up
I used to jog there for hours
leaving my fears behind me

At night the moon would stand high
reflecting on the water
and the world would stop around me

You took me there once

We walked for hours
your hand entangled in mine
the way I thought our bodies should be

And as we kissed
your hands were wrapped in my hair
and I felt it

I used to know you

And now as I lay by myself
I wonder where the time has gone
and who the boy I once loved has become
--Written 9/21/05

Today I Remembered...

Here's poem two for my poetry class. It's hard to describe the actual assignment so the poem will seem really weird and random out of context, but just know that it was written to fit the assignment. Anyway, you'll know what it is about... but it is not about me (like most of the poems I have written).

Today I Remembered
I can't stop thinking about you
and it's driving me insane
You still haunt me every day
in this world of pain

My life is so different without you
which is the way it has to be
I'm filled with so much anger now
about the way you treated me

Today I saw originality
it reminded me of you
the way you came up with excuses
for everything you'd do

Today I saw silverware
such a simple thing
but it reminded me of all the threats
and how much the cuts would sting

Today I saw an animal trapped
that's how I felt when we dated
you would do things just to piss me off
thing you know I hated

Today I saw a bird shit
it splattered everywhere
it reminded me of your shit
how you pretended to care

But then I saw him put his arm around her
and kiss her gently on the head
it reminded me of how sweet you could be
how gently you'd hold me in bed

And I saw him look at her
and whisper softly in her ear
it reminded me of the times you held me
softly telling me I had nothing to fear

I saw him reach for her
and gently take her hand
you had such a power over me
that I will never understand

But then I saw her pull away
with pain in her eyes
and I remembered who you really are
I remembered all the lies

I remembered all the bruises
and all the tears I cried
I remembered the night you beat me so hard
that night I almost died

I remember all the hospital visits
the times I "fell down the stairs"
all the excuses I'd come up with
and you convinced me that nobody cares

I remember how you'd grab my arm
Leaving bruises from squeezing so tight
and the times you'd throw things at me
or how often I cried through the night

I remember the sound of the door slamming
the smell of alcohol on your breath
the taste of cigarettes when you kissed me
oh, how you used to make me wish for death
--Written 9/15/05

my poetry

I apologize for not blogging this week. School hit me kind of hard. Anyway, I will continue with my posts tomorrow.

For now, I want to share my poetry. I am in a poetry writing class and I love it. Our assignment that is due on Tuesday is to write a poem based on a line in a book we read. I am currently reading a book called "Abortion's Second Victim." I chose a line out of the book and wrote a poem about it. So here it is (critiques are appreciated).

To Bethany Ann
I was only sixteen
Alone in the world
And scared for your life
And my own
I had been hurt
I didn't know what to do
How to take care of you
Or myself
I took the test at week seven
Until then I was in denial
After, I was still in denial
Still alone
At week nine I heard your heartbeat
And I cried for days
How could your heart beat so strong
When mine had stopped
At week thirteen I saw a picture
Your body taking form
I started to gain weight
I was so scared
At week fourteen the nurse told me
You were my baby girl
I threw myself down the stairs that day
What else could I do?
By week fifteen you had a name
Bethany Ann, I called you
Bethany--the town where Jesus rose Lazurus
Would he raise you?
By week sixteen it was over
I sat in church and cried
I was convinced it was for the best
But you were gone
I never got to see your eyes
Or the color of your hair
I miss you more every day
And once again, I am alone.
--Written 9/9/05