Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference...

Are you ready?

OK--After I wrote my last blog entry God kind of kicked me in the booty! I have so much to be thankfull for.

First of all, I may be in pain, but it could be so much worse. I could have died. Last week in one of my Bible studies we talked about "are you ready?" Are you ready to leave this earth? I said sure! Why not? I can't wait to be with my father! God kind of laughs at me now. I'm not nearly ready enough. And instead of taking all this free time that I have to just be in God's glory, I wallow in my self-pity.

Well, I am done wallowing.

That's it, that's my story. Now I need to go lay back down...

My sad existence

I am actually quite depressed right now. No one wants to hang out with someone who cannot do anything but lay on the couch. For goodness sake I can't even get my own water. I hate it. I hate depending on people. I hate being in pain...

The pain along my abdomen is not getting any better. I have been loading up on vicadin but it doesn't seem to be getting any better. It's not really the pain that is bothering me anymore. Now it is just the lonliness. My housemates work during the day so I just lay here by myself all day long. Ari is really good to me, but he works a ton as well. The only other person who has actually come to spend time with me is Ann -- my one friend who is already incredibly stressed out and overwhelmed with her life as it is. And I am not complaining about my friends, I know they all have crazy lifes. I am just really sick of being alone... at least I have Everette, Irwin, Pete, and Kincaid to keep me company (the characters in my favorite book).

And now that I have been sitting up for fifteen minutes I seem to be in pain.

Peace out y'all.

My life is so dumb

Well, there isn't much else to do with my life right now... SO.....

The ABC’s of Mon

A - Age of your first kiss: 14
B - Band you are listening to right now: the rent soundtrack
C – Crush: how old am i?
D – Dad’s name: Billy
E – Easiest person to talk to: Ann Milauskas
F – Favorite Ice Cream: vanilla bean
G – Gummy worms or gummy bears: worms
H – Hometown: west chicago
I – Instruments: guitar
J – Junior High: Benjamin (I was a Bengal!)
K – Kids: don't have any
L – Longest car ride ever: the car ride home from Florida with mom, dad, christopher, joe and me and I had to sit in between chris and joe... ugh
M – Mom’s name: Patty
N - Nicknames: Mon, Mony, Grace
O – One wish: i know this is cheesy, but peace on earth... seriously
P – Phobia [s]: heights
Q– Quote: do not worry for tomorrow, tomorrow will worry about itself; each day is sufficient for it's own.
R – Reason to smile: Jesus
S – Song you sang last: 1,000 sweet kisses (from rent)
T – Time you woke up: 7:00am I can't sleep in! I hate it!
U – Unknown fact about me: I don't have it as together as people thing
V – Vegetable[s] you hate: CORN!!
W – Worst Habit: cracking my knuckles
X – X-rays you’ve had: ankle, knee, back, wrist, CAT scans on my stomach, back, head, kneck, MRIs on my back and knee
Y – Years since you’ve been to church: uh... I was at church two Sundays ago (last Sunday I was sick)
Z – Zodiac sign: taurus

Now I need to go back and lay down. I will get up to type up another health update a little later today.

Health Update

I called the hospital yesterday to find out what my test results where. They told me if someone doesn't call, then everything is fine. So, I went to bed feeling good. At 9:00 this morning I got a phone call from the doctor he treated me in the ER. He said that the blood in my urine was coming from my kidneys. But as long as I haven't seen any more blood and as long as I continue to not see any blood, I will be fine. If there are any changes I need to get back into the ER immediately. Other than that, my body had been shaken around too much and something is bound to be abnormal for a couple days (those where his words). I think I can handle that. I asked him about the pain I have been in the last two days (which has been an immense amount of pain), he told me that I had some internal bruising and it is just going to hurt for a couple days. I need to stay laying down for the majority of the day, continue to not be active, and drink lots of water. Great. Another day of this and I may just go insane.

Anyway, I am okay and that is all that matters.

a little reflection

Well, it has finally hit me... no pun intended. I was in a car accident. My car flipped over. Woah.

So here's the deal. Having a near-death experience can change someone's life. Esspecially thinking about the fact that this was my first near death experience that was completely my fault. I almost killed myself (or at least almost seriously injured myself).

I am lying on my couch in the same spot that I have been in since 8:00 this morning (with the exception of getting up to go to the bathroom and getting up to get more water). I can't watch the tv because if I turn my neck it hurts too much, but I can hear one of my favorite movies playing (Dead Poets Society). The lap top is on my lap and the strain in my neck from lifting it up to see the screen is starting to travel down my spine. I have taken a vicadin which seems to be doing nothing. And as I type this I noticed my hospital bracelet is still on. My hospital bracelet... There is a bruise from where they took blood and a bruise from where my IV was. So unreal.

Now that I am done complaining, let me tell you what I did with my time on this couch. First of all, God suprises me in ways I can never comprehend. I have been praying a lot lately for some time to just settle down and relax and just be. Well, I got it. I have been praying lately that my world would be shaken and that God would strip me so that I had nothing left to focus on but Him. Well, I am shaken. I have been praying lately that I would be able to just get some good alone time with God and learn to have/keep my priorities straight. Well, I had all day today to be alone with God. Thankfully I was able to pull my Bible out of the wreckage yesterday. God humbled me today. He also reminded me, yet again, that I need to be careful what I pray for.

I have also had a chance to read my all time favorite book The Brother's K by David James Duncan. This book is excellent. Throughout the entire book it keeps my attention - it has me smiling, crying and laughing. So I guess I haven't been too lonely here. I have had Everette and Peter and Irwin and Kincaid to keep me company.

From the time I started this blog entry to now, the vicadin seems to be working. Well, not taking away all of the pain, but I feel more upbeat. I feel able to carry on a conversation--which is a huge step from the rest of the day.

This morning, for the first time since the accident, I cried. It was the first time I was actually alone since the accident and I think it has finally sunk in. My car is totalled. It's gone. The car that I learned how to drive on. The car that has been mine since I turned sixteen. Gone. Because of me. I killed my car. I got into a car accident. It was one of those accidents that if I had been driving by and saw the car upsidedown, my heart would have sped up incredibly and I would have had to catch my breath. Then I would have checked the newspapers the next day to see if there were any deaths...

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, God protected me and still managed to give me the things I ask for and still never ceases to suprise me. I guess my life has finally settled down.

Still no news from the hospital. They said they would call either today or tomorrow, so I guess I probably won't hear from them until tomorrow.

A conversation Ann and I just had:
(while talking about a mental hospital nearby)
Ann -"can I go?"
Me - "where? home?"
"no. to the hospital"
"sure, want me to drive you?"
short pause
"no"
longer pause
"you don't have a car..."
we both make frowning faces.

not as okay as i thought

Yesterday after the whole ordeal (if you are wondering what ordeal... read the post before this one) I thought I was fine. Well, it turned out I was not so fine. At 9:00 last night, Ari ended up taking me to the hospital because I had been getting some pain in my abdomin and it just kept getting worse and worse as the night had gone on. It wasn't severe pain or anything, I just wanted to check it out to be safe.

They ran some tests-- CAT scan, blood tests, urine test. It all came pack okay, except for one. There was a little trace of blood in my urine, which could mean a number of things. It could just be nothing. Sometimes women just have small traces of blood in their urine. It could be damage to my kidneys or liver that the CAT scan couldn't pick up on right away. He mentioned some other things, but I was still hung up on the sentence "we found some blood in your urine." They sent the urine off to be tested some more and they will get back to me.

So far things seemed to be okay, I am just in a lot of pain today. My stomach pains have gotten worse than they were last night. My back and neck are stiff and killing me. I have a headache. My knee hurts. It feels kind of like I was in a car accident where my car flipped over... oh wait...

ALIAS saved my life

I have had a lot of moments in my life where I have thought "wow, I could have died right then." Today I experienced the second scariest thing I have ever experienced in my life (don't ask me what the first is).

I got into a car accident today. For those of you who know the area, I was at North Ave and Morton Rd. For those of you who don't know the area, going north on Morton rd I have to cross three lanes of traffic going east bound and then yield in the middle and then cross three lanes of traffic going west bound. There are no traffic lights. My mom HATES this intersection, but it is the fastest way to get to my parent's house. Today I thought about going the "long" way, but I was on lunch break for jury duty and just wanted to get to my parents house so I could eat lunch with Mom.

I was sitting in the middle of North Ave. waiting to cross over and there was a break in the cars so I hit my gas. As soon as I hit the gas I saw a small black car appear behind an SUV that had been turning. Apparently, all the cars hadn't passed yet. I tried to get out of the way of the car and all of it could have been avoided if the driver had actually hit her brakes or turned the wheel even a little bit (or if she hadn't been speeding, but that's another story)-- but she didn't do any of that. I watched the car hit me and the next thing I felt was my car lifting off the ground. My car landed on it's side (the driver's side) and then flipped onto the hood. It all happened in slow motion (esspecially the flipping of the car).

When my car flipped I miraculously did NOT move at all. My body was strapped in securely by my seatbelt. My head never touched the winshield or the roof of my car. My body never touched the stering wheel. My legs never hit the dashboard.

My first instinct was that I had to get out of the car. In every movie or TV show that I have seen a car flip over it always catches on fire. So all I could think was, "Get out before you burn to death!" I was still stuck behind my seatbelt so I reached to unhook it. It was stuck--the very thing that saved my life had now become my worst enemy.

At this point, I went into ALIAS mode. I (don't laugh) asked myself, "What would Sydney Bristow do?" I remembered an episode where she was in a flipped car and she had to push herself up in order to release pressure on the belt. So I used one arm to push myself up as hard as I could and used the other to unlatch the belt. It worked! I fell and made contact with my car for the first time.

My next feat was getting out. The passenger side window has shattered, but there was not enough room to get out. The driver side window was okay. I tried to kick the window out - I kicked once and then thought maybe I should try rolling it down first. So I hit the button and it rolled down (thank goodness). I immediately crawled out the window.

The whole thing was surreal. I got out of the car and walked five or six steps away and then turned around and looked at the sight. My back tires were still spinning, glass was shattered everywhere, and a guy was on his cell phone yelling "is anybody hurt?" I couldn't answer him, I just stared. Finally, he ran over to me and I mustered out a "no" and then realized that two cars were involved in the accident.

I ran over to the woman who had been driving. She was out of her car, shaking and crying. There was very little damage to the front of her car (don't ask me how that happened). I asked her if she was okay and she just walked away from me. Meanwhile, a tow truck who had seen the car flipped, pulled over and blocked traffic for a while. He made me sit in his truck even though I didn't want to sit down. He let me use his phone to call mom. Here's how the conversation went:

"Hey mom, uh, I got into a car accident. I'm OK! I'll be home in a little bit. Don't worry. I'm fine."
"Where are you?"
"I gotta go mom, the police are here. I'll be home soon, the police officer will give me a ride. Don't worry."
*click*

I then called Ari:
"uh, so, I got into a car accident. My car is totalled but I am fine. I just wanted to let you know. I will call you later!"

By this time the ambulence was there and wanting to check me out. They took my vitals, listened to my lungs, asked me if I had any pain...

I was fine. I walked away from the accident without a scratch on me.

I am the luckiest "son of a gun" that I know. I've had a good four hours to reflect on it all and listen to all of this...
I wore my glasses for the first time today in weeks. When I crawled out of the car there were shards of glass everywhere, especially on my face. My glasses were covered in pieces of glass that would have otherwise been in my eyes.

There are a lot of things on top of everything else that I could talk about but Ari just got here and I am going to spend time with him.

One more thing - maybe it wasn't ALIAS that saved my life. The police officer who filed the report said something along the lines of, "Someone must be on your side..." I think she was right.

I'm being vulnerable now...

Two Names You Go By
1. Mon
2. Monaca

Two Things That Scare You
1. Guys
2. The dark

Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Prayer
2. Deep conversations

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. My epilepsy bracelet
2. My favorite jeans

Two Things You want in a relationship
1. Honesty
2. Communication

Two Truths
1. God is love
2. Jesus saves

Two Self-Truths
1. The idea that I have it all together is a complete act
2. I am really scared of getting hurt in friendships

Two things You hate:
1. Gossip
2. Lies

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You
1. Warming/welcoming smile
2. Athletic looking

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Riding my bike
2. Learning about people

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. To be a social worker
2. Free time

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. I want to go to Florida and swim with the dolphins
2. Ireland
3. I want to LIVE in Spain (does that count?)

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Write a book
2. Learn sign language fluently

Two Ways that you are Stereotypically a Girl
1. I like boys
2. I worry about my weight

I promise -- one day I will actually write something of substance... just give me some time to get my life back together.

Memories: take two

Memories from freshman year at Calvin...

Memory One: MALARI'S HEAD
I don't think I will ever forget this... A buanch of people were hanging out in the basement of our dorm and Malari was being her crazy self--walking about on the tables. She out of no where decides she wants to jump off the table, forgetting that the ceiling comes down lower at one point in the basement. She leaps gracefully and smashes her head on a corner of the ceiling and falls to the ground. She gets up laughing and saying "I'm okay guys" but that didn't stop the blood from gushing out of the hole in her head! She was taken to the hospital and had three staples put in her head. I slept in her room that night with my phone alarm ringing every two hours to make sure she didn't have a concusion. Fun times.

Memory Two: FAKE BAKED
My freshman year roommate, Heather, was awesome. We had a lot of fun together--although we were VERY different people. Once a week she would go tanning and get her eyebrows waxed. She was always encouraging me to go with her so finally one day I thought, "what they hey... I'll go" so I went. We got our eyebrows waxed and that was fun. Then we went tanning. I stayed in the booth for seven minutes. Seven minutes is all it took for me to get severe burns. I slept naked for the next week and only put on clothes to go to class -- otherwise I was wrapped up in a blanket. I remember running down the hallway to Kay's room wrapped in my blanket (and nothing else) because Kay was the only one around to put Aloe on me, which needed to be applied every fifteen minutes. Yes, the aloe that I made Andrew make a midnight run to Meijer for...

Memory Three: A COLD SLUMBER
Heather, my roomie, would go home every weekend so I was pretty lonely on weekends. I would often sleep in Malari and Jackie's room on their futon! One night Jaclyn and I are sleeping on the futon and Mal was in her bed and we were talking about nothing in particular. When out of nowhere Mal decides to throw her nalgene water bottle onto us. Jackie got most of the water -- but I was so shocked I didn't really know what to do. We spent the next half hour laughing

QUOTES

I was thinking about Spain today and I remembered some hillarious quotes from my time there, so I thought I would share them with you...

1- I don't understand how you think people don't understand what's going through your head, you say everything you are thinking - Troy to Monaca

2- There's even salami on the wall! - Troy

3- Why don't we have any salad? - Troy, Heather and I had said that at some point.

4- Heather (talking about her theory on what happened in a movie) - "I did research to back up my thesis"
Troy - "did she just say thesis?"

5- Mon - "I'll help you get revenge"
Teresa - "I bet you would. You're evil."

Memories: take one

A friend from Calvin, Andrea, made some comment on her xanga about how I would be proud of her because she did some stuff that bordered on our ALIAS adventures... now I feel the need to write about some of my favorite memories from Calvin. Most of my favorite memories occured during interim second semester... after everyone found out I was not coming back for second semester.Anyway, I thought it would be fun to write on my favorite memories from major periods in my life... first off: CALVIN MEMORIES!

Memory One: ALIAS ADVENTURES
Andrea and I would run down the hall with our hands clasped together like guns and shoot at each other. This game got fun when we would hide behind any wall that stuck out even just a little bit. We would do somersaults across the hall into people's rooms (who would in return laugh at us). One of my favorite parts was when we got to the annex. The annex was at the end of the hall - you would turn right, go down three or four steps, turn left and there was more hallway with about six rooms. I would run down the hall - leap over the stairs and land into a somersault and end up by the doorway to the stairs. It was one of the coolest moments of my life. Almost as cool as when I would get into my bed pretending I was Sydney Bristow getting shot at...

Memory Two: MATTRESSES IN THE HALLWAY
One day Ben and Amy and I were wandering down the hall looking for something to do. We noticed that someone on third had put a mattress in the hall... random but no biggie. We went downstairs to first and noticed ANOTHER mattress in the hall. This was when the wheels in my head began turning a little too fast. So, my brilliant idea was to bring this mattress upstairs and put the two mattresses across the hall from each other and bounce back and forth. This was all good and fun but not enough for our twisted minds. Eventually someone came up with the idea (I think it was Ben!) to run at each other holding the two mattresses. The first time, it was hillarious! The second time... well, let's just say Ben got to know the wall in a way he never wanted. I have a tape of it on my computer -- you can actually hear a cracking noise at the moment Ben's head WHAMS into the wall... Brilliant idea.

Memory Three: TEAM MONJAMIN
My good friend Ben (benjamin houseward) and I combined forces and created team monjamin! Together, we were unbeatable. We would help each other out during our many Mario Kart battles against others... actually, pretty much any endeavor we tried - the two of us were a team. One weekend we had a floor date- my floor and Ben's floor went bowling together. Ben and I bought a box of Krispy Kreme donuts to give away to whatever team won. They had to pick partners but they had to be guy/girl partners. Of course, team Monjamin was united again. Not only did we win this challenge -- we kicked some MAJOR booty! We won by some 150 points or something like that. It was pretty awesome. Don't worry - we are good people! We gave the donuts away.

There are so many more memories that I cannot even begin to explain -- snowball fights, playing in the rain, smokers pit stops, slumber parties, tent building, good talks, and so much more! but I would need a whole book to write on all of that... so I will end with just three.

"find the card that fits your life"

I found this in an advertisement for American Express so I am stealing it and filling it out for myself.

My name: Monaca Marie
childhood ambition: going to the olympics
fondest memory: sitting on my papa's lap while watching the rain/lightning storm
soundtrack: bon jovi
retreat: florida
wildest dream: living in Spain
proudest moment: i know this is sad... but getting an A in Chemistry... i have my reasons
biggest challenge: becoming the person God has created me to be
alarm clock: the most annoying ring on my phone
perfect day: I would be in Spain and I would be able to spend quality time with all of my family, my closest friends, and Ari all in the same day.
first job: babysitter
indulgence: food... isnt that sad?
last purchase: Ari's christmas present
favorite movie: shawshank redemption
inspiration: my friends
My life: is crazy and yet so fun
My card: is mastercard!!
the end

Actress...

I am realizing now that I didn't finish that part on who my favorite actress is, so here is my answer.

I was debating between Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock and I couldn't decide because I really like them both for different reasons. Then I thought about if they were put in a boxing ring together who would win... I think it would be a good fight but ultimately, Sandra Bullock would win. So... she is my favorite.

The Worst Feeling

Tonight I experienced one of the worst feelings I have experienced in a long time. Today was a really rough day for me. I am not entirely sure why... I think a lot of it has to do with how dry and empty I am feeling in every relationship I have right now; friends, family, God. I wanted to turn to someone and talk things out and when I finally realized why it was so hard for me to do that I felt so much worse. The only person in the world that I feel may have some insight for me or would be the best person to talk to about everything lives 4,208.2 miles away from me and there is a seven hour time difference between here and there. Which just makes me wanna cry.

The begining of fun, as I know it

A few weeks after meeting Ari I called him and asked him if he was interested in going fishing with Celeste and Kendra and me. Here is how the conversation that Friday went...

"Are you coming fishing with us tomorrow?"
"No, I can't I have to work."
"Oh come on, you bum! What time do you get off?"
"Six O'clock"
"Oh... well, that's no good. Can't you get out of it?"
"No, I can't but I'm not working Sunday or Monday; can we go then?" (Monday was Labor Day)
"Shoot! I'm going up to Michigan tomorrow night and not coming home until Monday."
"Oh...."
(akward silence)
"I mean, you can come if you want, but..."
"Okay."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah, sure, I'll come"
"Okay. Well, I'll be visiting my old school, so it may not be that interesting for you"
"That's cool. Unless you don't want me to come."
"No, you can come! It would be fun"

I immediately got off the phone and told Celeste she had to come with because if she didn't it would be the weird and incredibly akward. She agreed to come - thank goodness.

Well... that trip ended up being one of the most fun trips I have taken up to Michigan. The ride up felt completely normal. The first day was a bit akward--we hadn't arrived at Calvin until 4am, so the three of us were really tired. And I wanted to spend the day catching up with friends I hadn't seen since May. The next day, however, we went to the beach with a bunch of my Calvin friends. We had so much fun swimming in the freezing water, burying Ari in the sand. Then we left to drive home. On the way home we stopped in Holland, MI for some hotdogs (that we ended up not getting--long story). Then we stopped at a Dutch Farmer's Market and got some peaches and some green beans. Then we stopped at the Warren Dunes and climbed the dunes and went swimming again. While we were swimming we talked about making a list of all of the fun things we wanted to do:

Rent a boat at Lake Geneva and go skiing and tubing, go kayaking, go camping, go on a picnic, have a BBQ, go to millenium park, go to the shedd aquarium, go dancing/clubbing, take a ski trip,... the list goes on.

When we got home we actually wrote down a huge list of things we wanted to do. We agreed we would do one fun thing a weekend together. And we stuck to it through all of September and all of October. Then November came and Ari and Celeste and I have not done anything fun together on a weekend... unless you count Celeste's birthday party. Come to think of it, Ari and I haven't actually dont anything fun together since November hit. We did go see a play - but that was required for my acting class.

This weekend Ari and I actually did have fun together. A LOT of fun actually. Unfortunately, Celeste was not with us... even though she should have been!! I will write more about my awesome weekend tomorrow - I've had enough typing for one day.

Highlights of the Week

10- Finally catching up on sleep this week
9- Fulfilling my craving for chinese food... mmm crab rangoons
8- Hanging out with Kendra and Matthew at 9am
7- Listening to A Capella Christmas music
6- Going to the mall with Ari and the twins
5- Playing cards with Aunt Maryann, Aunt Lou, Uncle Tom, Celeste, and Ari
4- "Performing" a dance to It's Gonna Be Me by *NSYNC at the reception
3- Taking a shots with my mom and cousins
2- Finally getting to spend quality time with Ari
1- Seeing Christopher and Erika unite together as one