a little reflection

Well, it has finally hit me... no pun intended. I was in a car accident. My car flipped over. Woah.

So here's the deal. Having a near-death experience can change someone's life. Esspecially thinking about the fact that this was my first near death experience that was completely my fault. I almost killed myself (or at least almost seriously injured myself).

I am lying on my couch in the same spot that I have been in since 8:00 this morning (with the exception of getting up to go to the bathroom and getting up to get more water). I can't watch the tv because if I turn my neck it hurts too much, but I can hear one of my favorite movies playing (Dead Poets Society). The lap top is on my lap and the strain in my neck from lifting it up to see the screen is starting to travel down my spine. I have taken a vicadin which seems to be doing nothing. And as I type this I noticed my hospital bracelet is still on. My hospital bracelet... There is a bruise from where they took blood and a bruise from where my IV was. So unreal.

Now that I am done complaining, let me tell you what I did with my time on this couch. First of all, God suprises me in ways I can never comprehend. I have been praying a lot lately for some time to just settle down and relax and just be. Well, I got it. I have been praying lately that my world would be shaken and that God would strip me so that I had nothing left to focus on but Him. Well, I am shaken. I have been praying lately that I would be able to just get some good alone time with God and learn to have/keep my priorities straight. Well, I had all day today to be alone with God. Thankfully I was able to pull my Bible out of the wreckage yesterday. God humbled me today. He also reminded me, yet again, that I need to be careful what I pray for.

I have also had a chance to read my all time favorite book The Brother's K by David James Duncan. This book is excellent. Throughout the entire book it keeps my attention - it has me smiling, crying and laughing. So I guess I haven't been too lonely here. I have had Everette and Peter and Irwin and Kincaid to keep me company.

From the time I started this blog entry to now, the vicadin seems to be working. Well, not taking away all of the pain, but I feel more upbeat. I feel able to carry on a conversation--which is a huge step from the rest of the day.

This morning, for the first time since the accident, I cried. It was the first time I was actually alone since the accident and I think it has finally sunk in. My car is totalled. It's gone. The car that I learned how to drive on. The car that has been mine since I turned sixteen. Gone. Because of me. I killed my car. I got into a car accident. It was one of those accidents that if I had been driving by and saw the car upsidedown, my heart would have sped up incredibly and I would have had to catch my breath. Then I would have checked the newspapers the next day to see if there were any deaths...

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, God protected me and still managed to give me the things I ask for and still never ceases to suprise me. I guess my life has finally settled down.

Still no news from the hospital. They said they would call either today or tomorrow, so I guess I probably won't hear from them until tomorrow.

A conversation Ann and I just had:
(while talking about a mental hospital nearby)
Ann -"can I go?"
Me - "where? home?"
"no. to the hospital"
"sure, want me to drive you?"
short pause
"no"
longer pause
"you don't have a car..."
we both make frowning faces.