FORGIVENESS

I have been learning an important lesson in forgiveness. And here it is... I need to forgive.

Sounds simple right? WRONG. I always thought I was a forgiving person and that I didn't hold grudges, but I am realizing now how false those thoughts actually are. Here's an example:

My brother.

I love my brother. He has always been a huge example to me of how to live a good life. I've written about him in the past about how he lights up a room just by being in it. He's wonderful and everyone agrees. So why would I need to forgive him? Growing up, I always had this terrible feeling that he was perfect and everyone compared me to him and I could never be as great as him... so where did that leave me? Empty. The thing is, he never made it easier for me. When my parents would hurt my feelings, Christopher took their side. When I had a hard time with a friend, Christopher told me I was maybe doing something wrong. Whenever I had a feeling that I couldn't help - he reassured me that my feelings were wrong and that I shouldn't feel them.

Now, I know that my brother would never hurt me on purpose and I know that he probably never realized how much those things affected me but I cannot help that they did. We have feelings for a reason and to push them aside and act like they aren't real only complicates things. So for years and years I have been pushing my feelings toward Christopher aside. I convinced myself that I was the problem and that he didn't need to be forgiven and that ate me apart.

I am sure my brother didn't even know he needed to be forgiven, but he did. So last week I decided I was going to forgive him and not just say I forgave him but to act it out. To love him even when he hurts me. To stop having negetive feelings toward him. To understand that I am just a small dot on this earth and that God has forgiven me and who do I think I am that I deserve forgiveness in any way, shape or form? I don't and I have still been forgiven, so why should I hold a grudge against anyone on this earth.

So my new goal for this year is to forgive Ryan--A guy who hurt me more than anyone else ever could. But not just to forgive him, but to love him. To recognize that though he has strayed from God's plan for his life, he is still a child of God and God still loves him. And if God loves him, who am I to think I am incapable of loving a child of God. And if he has been forgiven for his sins, which are no worse than my own, who am I to hold a grudge?

That doesn't mean it will be easy, but I want to try. And for those of you who know who Ryan is -- feel free to ask me if I have forgiven him yet... I am sure I will need the reminders.

Above forgiving the people who have hurt me in big ways I need it's also important to remember to forgive the little things. Even more important than that---asking others to forgive me.

So to everyone out there that I have hurt (and I know that there are a lot of you)... I truly am sorry. Forgive me as Jesus forgives all of us, though non of us (esspecially me) are worthy.