my journey

Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions. --David Borenstein

Today I went into the city. We ate good spanish food, saw good spanish sights, went shopping in good spanish stores, eavesdropped on good spanish conversation, and saw great european buildings/alleys. It was wonderful. At one point I actually had to catch my breath. Then I went to a park with my friend and we sat on this bench for a couple hours and it was beautiful. I kept thinking to myself that I do not want to leave, I love this way too much. I feel like I finally may have found my niche--found a place where I finally feel like I belong. Tonight was my community group, which I love. I always walk away from community group feeling refreshed and like I was just a part of something really great. Right there in the middle of this park with an Egyptian Temple a group of believers get together and share their stories and their lives. They pray together and read the Word together and learn more about their Father together. And as different as each person in that group is they all have one thing in common--Jesus Christ. I know I should not be suprised by this... but God never ceases to amaze me in His ability to bring people together. He says where two or more are gathered together in my name, I will be there. Well, I have seen His presence at community group each Monday and I have felt His hand on me throughout the night saying "now this is exactly what I have been trying to teach you..."

Despite all of that, today I came home and cried. I haven't had a good cry in a long while and it felt good, but I do not know why I cried. In spite of the incredible friendships I have made here, there is a loneliness that burns deep within. It feels pretty similar to what I felt in my first few months at Calvin. A piece of myself gets left behind whenever I leave home and I find myself searching, trying to figure out who I am. It is not easy being in a place where I have to re-establish who I am. When I got here, no one knew what makes me laugh, what makes me cry, where I came from, where I have been, or what has made me who I am. Where do you start? How does one choose which stories to tell and to whom? And now that I have shared a bit of myself with friends here and they have shared their lives with me, how do I pack up and leave in two weeks. I am finally feeling like I can call this place home and my time to leave will come quicker than I could imagine.

We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started... and to know the place for the first time. -- T.S. Elliot